> but I am enraged anew every day becauuse the man I love is a fucked up > victim of clergy abuse of children, and I can see all too clearly, as I > have for years, all the ramifications of what happens when a priest > tells a boy that sex is bad, that sex is sin and evil, that Father says > let me give you a massage, let me suck your cock, you little evil child, > you seduced me, suck me, you little evil thing, it is your fault, I am a > man of God and you damned little child corrupted me with your beauty, > damn you to hell, and just wait until I get my hands on you after the > next mass... >
Unfortunately, this is what happens to victims of abuse-they are blamed -made to feel it is their fault. because it happens in childhood, the feeling of badness never really goes away, the feeling or responsibilty, of shame, is always there and it takes continuous effort to counteract it. It rears it's head in even the most ordinary of everyday situations. To give you a silly example, but one that brings it all back: I recently paid a lot of money for a new machine. It didn't work as it should-it was faulty. I returned it, fearful of the rection. I need not have worried, they replaced it. However, they replaced it with a new machine that is even more faulty than the first. Now I feel afraid. Of waht i am not sure. I have returned the machine but no one was there but a receptionist. So far I have not heard from the company. i have sent 2 faxes. I have asked that they credit my Visa for the amount I spent as I do not want a 3rd machine. I have the law on my side. yet I feel guilty. I feel bad and more so I feel afraid. Thus I send faxes and won't speak on the phone. So far no response which increases the fear. I am aware that my feelings about this are not logical. they are not adult. They are not healthy. I am trapped in the 'they are adults and treating me badly and it is my fault' syndrome. And this after years of therapy! It never goes away. However, I accept it as part of my life, as part of me. It could have been much worse. i could be dead or still in a locked ward(as I was in my late teens). And believe it or not, I go thru very similar feelings all the time with the list mail! I feel guilty eveytime I share an opinion. I feel bad just writing this. So i don't express myself clearly and come across as someone I am not. Fear and shame are always a part of the interaction. I often dread looking in my Joni box. . But I don't let it stop me. I have to live. That is the best revenge there is. Living well despite them. As for the RC church. No it is not just an American thing. We have the same things going on here. In Eire and in Wales. In fact the exact same situation as in Boston with the bishop. there are calls for a Welsh Bishop(or whatever rank he is) to resign. He KNEW a priest was abusing children. he protected him and allowed the abuse to continue. there is reason to suspect the Bishop himself was abusing. All abuse of children is about power. The affects are the same regardless of the societal positon of the adult. It is tempting to think that abuse my priests, yteachers, ect is worse. It cannot be quantified like that. The only thing that makes affects worse, is the duration. bw colin
