Good morning, folks.
Forwarding the latest blog I posted on the FaceBook yesterday. It deals with 3 mistakes Indian women make in their life and is being forwarded with the Moderator's kind permission. Been blogging in FB regularly on a variety of topics. Would indeed be glad to touch base with AI members on this platform too. You can find me listed as Sudhir R Shenoy (sudhir.ko...@gmail.com). And, do let me have your frank views, please. Rgds RS + 91 98 472 76 126 PS: Cockroach, Sant Roach Das etc are names I have ascribed to myself throughout the blogs. :-) -- Three Mistakes of a Bharatiya Nari's Life... Cockroach's observations on critical handicaps Indian women need to overcome at once. Indian womanhood has been deified in the Hindu mythology as personification of patience, determination, strength, courage and marital fidelity, the examples being Sita, Savithri, Draupadi and Kannagi. History too abounds with tales of how Chatrapathi Shivaji's mother inculcated the values of patriotism and valour in her young son and how Rani Lakshmi Bai led the battle against our colonial invaders. The Indra Nuis (Pepsi), Chanda Kochhars (ICICI Bank) and Kiran Majumdar Shaws (BioCon) of the modern corporate India are also inspiring icons for youngsters of both genders. This post, however, is not about the 1 % of the Indian womanhood that breaks the glass ceiling of gender stereotyping and stratification who may achieve and enjoy true autonomy of some sorts. It has been my unhappy observation, culled from life experiences of my numerous female friends and societal trends, that the average Bharathiya Nari makes one, two, or, in the worst case scenario, a combination of all the three cardinal mistakes illustrated below, in her life, irrespective of whether she is the traditional docile, doe-eyed, door-mat type or the hep, urban, educated and economically independent and confident type. * Dependence on males for physical safety Truly reminiscent of the oft-quoted-but-out-of-context Manu Smriti, which held forth that the woman has to be in the "care" of her father, brother, husband or son at the various stages of her life, the 21st century Indian woman still largely leads a male-dependent life, as far as her physical safety is concerned. While this arrangement was, may be, suited for a time and space where the woman remained "safely" hearth-bound, the modern woman has necessarily to venture out into the big, bad world for survival and success. Implying, unfortunately, that she needs to countenance constant harassment, ranging from the emotionally degrading eve-teasing, to physically traumatic threats like stalking, molestation and rape. Whether it was poor Soumya (who attempted to resist bag-snatching in the deserted Ladies' compartment of a local train in Kerala and got brutally raped and murdered by the disabled assailant), Sonu Sinha (national volley ball player who was thrown out of a running train by three gangsters who tried to snatch her gold chain and has now become a cripple) or the numerous call-centre agents who routinely get assaulted in the metros of India, the situation is uniformly alarming for the Indian woman who is not trained to be independent when it comes to her safety. (It is a moot point that even the Indian men are equally vulnerable, but, the patriarchal nature of the society somehow gives them a safe passage.) The wide adoption of Internet, the ubiquitous camera phones and morphing technologies have increased the vulnerability of Indian women. Their privacy and modesty is now under threat from invisible enemies such as concealed cameras, hacked email ids and mobile phone-based tracking and stalking. Very few of the actual cases of Net-based slander or blackmail actually get reported to the CyberPolice, as the first instinct of the victim is to limit the damage to her (and her family's) "reputation". But, the dark underbelly of the whole issue about safety of Indian women is domestic violence. It has always been there, be it in the form of dowry harassment, incestual advances or drunken abuse. This hardly shows outside homes as we are very good at maintaining the facade of domestic harmony and closed-knit families. Which implies, the Indian woman can no longer rely even on the "dominant" males in her life, as laid down by Manu, for her basic safety. The only way the Indian female can ensure her safety today is by acquiring skills and confidence at both the individual and collective levels. On the one hand, she needs to have basic self-defence training and carry around simple, but effective weapons like Pepper Sprays and Stun Guns (Tasers). She needs to know the basic precautions to take while using public rest-rooms, changing rooms in malls etc and how to check for bugging devices. She needs to keep a list of emergency numbers, like those of Police Control Rooms, CyberPolice cells, AntiHarassment Cell at the office etc and should have the guts to use them when required. She needs to educate herself on the various technologies and gadgets that could intrude into her privacy and of legal protection she is entitled to. On the other hand, she also needs to organize herself into self-help groups at the local level and network with other such groups through social networking platforms to share updates on legal and other remedies available to combat crimes against womanhood. This kind of organization is easy to create and easy to spread, both at the regional and national levels, thanks to the reach of the Internet and other communication devices. Remember, the perpetrators of crimes against women are bullies and bullies are easily cowed down if their victim, aided by her sister fraternity, turns back to fight, rather than flee. It will be difficult, and, take some time to change the psyche of the predatory Indian male, but, as Elizabeth Gilbert notes in her book, "Eat, Pray, Love", which, incidentally is a book I recommend to all the females I know, Italian men have changed in the last 20 years, from being lecherous and lewd to being the perfect gentlemen now. So, there is indeed hope, if only the females could seize the opportunity and act collectively. * Insufficient effort to create alternative emotional support mechanisms. Traditionally, the family has been the basic security net for Indians, socially, economically and emotionally. In fact, it is the presence of the functional family and community structures (based, strangely, on the much-maligned caste) that has continued to provide such essential support mechanism in India, relieving the Indian government of an onerous responsibility of providing expensive social security infrastructure, as in the USA. However, the institution of the family is breaking down here too. Urbanisation, migration and nuclearisation of the family has eroded the influence of joint or extended family and community in the lives of their individual members. While this has given the individual a larger sense of autonomy over his or her life, it has also robbed him or her of a vital support mechanism - the emotional security net, which is something we do not miss at all till things go horribly wrong with our life, like may be through a business failure, job loss, serious illness or disablement. This has naturally affected Indian women more than men. The Indian woman has traditionally relied on her mother, sisters or aunts for emotional support whenever the husband and other persons in his family have been unable to provide the same. She has not been conditioned to trust those outside of ties of blood, and, hence often lacks good friends with whom one could discuss personal issues. The friends one has during the school and college days usually drop out of contact after marriage and the new ones one acquires at office, neighbourhood or kitty parties are, for most parts, superficial acquaintances with whom one may discuss movies, clothes or such trivial matters. After all, it is a miniscule percentage of Indian women who are still comfortable discussing personal issues, relating to their health, marriage, family and relationships, with anyone, be it a friend, a medical professional or her lawyer. The modern Indian woman does not also have the emotional stamina of either her mother or her grand-mother, or access to the support mechanisms they had, including their implicit trust in God and deep-rooted belief in Karma, which somehow absolved one of the responsibility of trying to solve the problems and bear the setbacks in life in resigned stoicism. So, with the pressures of being a super-woman at home, at office and more so often now, of being a single parent, build-up steadily, and, since India still stigmatizes a visit to the psychologist, she just pulls on till she breaks. Stress-related disorders are higher among women and are manifest as chronic or acute ailments, often undetected or undiagnosed for long. Modern life demands one to have multiple levels of security nets, beyond the ones traditionally provided by the family and the community. The Indian woman needs to consciously cultivate good friends, with matching emotional quotients to survive in the stressed urban existence of India today. She could also take recourse to electronic communities, mailing fora etc on the Internet to discuss issues anonymously. Creative pursuits, whether it is writing or gardening also provide releases for pent-up emotions. Of course, there are also options like practicing Yoga, Pranayama etc, but, one needs to stay clear of dubious spiritual persons, who primarily target vulnerable women in their commercial practice of spirituality. Whatever the means, the Indian woman needs to act, and, soon. Otherwise, she will be an emotional wreck, which, in turn, could even adversely impact the development of her children's personalities. >Illiteracy of the financial kind. India reveres Maha Lakshmi as the Goddess of wealth, and, ladies in the family are respected as Her ambassadors. Paradoxically, the Indian woman, except for the odd Chartered Accountant, hardly gets to have a say in the management of her income or investments. Even the highly educated, well-employed and economically independent women I know "delegate" the responsibility of investment management to the primary male in their life - the husbands. With disasterous consequences, too, in cases when the marriage hits a rough patch or the husband meets with an untimely end. Time and again, I have been witnessing my female friends groping with the cold reality of dealing with the tangled formalities of insurance, investments, inheritance and of managing assets and liabilities in the immediate aftermath of an emotional catastrophe like a marriage break-up or death of the husband or father. They are not trained to handle this, ask the right questions or deal with nasty johnies like the creditors, and, inevitably, they reach out to another male, possibly a brother or a brother-in-law for help, only to get conned again in the bargain. There are umpteen number of other instances where Indian women have realized, only long after the business empires of their husbands have crashed, that they are now bankrupt. Others discover much too late that their estranged husbands have cleaned up their joint accounts and moved key assets to their own names before calling it quits. Street-smart husbands are also known to have decamped after running up huge outstandings on the add-on credit cards, leaving their wives, the primary card-owners to deal with the bank and face legal action and a downgrade in credit scores. Even the trust implicit in blood-ties become suspect when her own brothers cheat her out of her rightful share in inheritance. This is indeed a somber scenario, and, cannot be rectified unless the Indian woman decides to redefine the role of Maha Lakshmi in her family. She needs to un-deify herself, get down from the revered, yet, non-executive pedestal and get her hands dirtied, to put it figuratively. She needs to start dealing with the numbers that matter. She needs to ask the right questions when the family decides on new businesses, insurance policies, investments etc, keeping a sharp look-out for possible risks and planning for emergencies and contingencies. She needs to know all the assets, liabilities, bank accounts, etc held by her family and in whose names these are held. She needs to know the laws dealing with inheritance, transfer & registration of property, taxation etc. In short, she needs to keep tabs on the financial pulse of her family and watch out for erratic signals. Otherwise, she is headed for financial trouble that more often than not, threatens her own livelihood and comfort. She needs to do it, at least for the sake of her dependent children. Remember, Maha Lakshmi can and should morph into Maha Saraswathi or even Maha Kali as the situation demands. Now, this blog is not intended as a sermon from a cynic with horrifying scenarios and a stern "Unless you do this...". On the contrary, it is a realist's advice to the fairer sex, whether or not they are sighted or sightless. My experience in the rehabilitation field and in counseling have exposed and sensitized me to the travails of several disadvantaged classes, and, I count Indian women foremost among them. This is my lil gift to the silent, suffering Bharathiya Nari. I do hope the female readers of this post would forward it to their sisters and friends. And, I also hope the male readers would help their sisters, wives, daughters and mothers correct themselves if they have made such mistakes in their lives. We cannot afford to have 50% of Indians to be challenged physically, emotionally and financially just because they are not imparted the vital life skills to deal with emerging threats. In fact, I would even advocate that Indian women should compulsorily go through a Finishing School before they go out into the wide world. If the Finishing Schools of medieval England used to teach debutantes such skills as grooming, dancing, playing the perfect hostess, polite conversation, art appreciation etc which were highly valued by the aristocracy, The Finishing School that I conceive should focus more on skills like self-defence, legal and financial literacy and the art of networking for survival. Do you think SantRoachDas.com should start such a Finishing School ? Lemme have your enlightened views, please, since I mean this most sincerely. Mind you, the Sant has no selfish motives in this venture, so wipe those silly grins from your face, dears. :-) :-) To unsubscribe send a message to accessindia-requ...@accessindia.org.in with the subject unsubscribe. To change your subscription to digest mode or make any other changes, please visit the list home page at http://accessindia.org.in/mailman/listinfo/accessindia_accessindia.org.in