A work-waster for the holiday season...
http://www.elfyourself.com/
"Gidd Calden" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
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12/01/2006 07:07 AM
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OT:Friday - Holiday Humor
Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and
Santa Claus
travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened
they
all
noticed a £5 note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??
Santa of course, the other two don't exist!
---
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their
games
in
a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
---
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
---
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A subordinate claus.
---
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and
Gambel?
Its true....Comet cleans sinks!
---
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
---
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.
---
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
---
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
---
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
---
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes
for
Christmas.
---
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the
prisoner,
"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied
the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you
doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
---
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week and needed the air.
---
New Policy
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being
implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced
the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine
who
the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks,
appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three
geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets
will
be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby
enhancing
their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward
mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the
expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee
to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we
expect
an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback
on
new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to
the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship
in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion
to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision
is
pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should
that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow
White
Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
---
This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with
his
mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That
plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely
corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I
can
think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago
with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor,
I'm
talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then
I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you
name it!" "That's probabably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce
is
made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as
thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this
time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked. "Well, everyone knows that there's no plate
like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
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