Re: Copypasta thread
Own a musket for home defense
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
I sexually Identify as the "I sexually identify as an attack helicopter" joke.
I sexually Identify as the "I sexually identify as an attack helicopter" joke. Ever since I was a child, I've dreamed of flippantly dismissing any concepts or discussions regarding gender that don't fit in with what I learned in 8th grade bio. People say to me that this joke hasn't been funny since 2014 and please at least come up with a new one, but I don't care, I'm hilarious. I'm having a plastic surgeon install Ctrl, C, and V keys on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me "epic kek dank meme trannies owned with facts and logic" and respect my right to shit up social media. If you can't accept me you're a memeophobe and need to check your ability-to-critically-think privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.
If Your Doctor Spoke Like Trump
So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.
But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the Wuhan, or WuHAAN—that’s a city in China. Many people don’t know that. But the moment I heard about this Chinese flu, I ordered a test. And it’s an amazing test. We do better testing than anywhere in the world. Some say the Germans have the best tests, but they don’t. Our tests are even better.
So you’re positive for Corona. And usually “positive” is a positive word—it’s a very good word, frankly. Everybody thinks it’s good, apart from what you hear on the news—which is fake. It’s largely fake. But in medicine, “positive” is not so good. So it’s very confusing. And I’ve always been very clear about that. Some say “positive” is always good, but I’ve never agreed with that.
So you’re positive for the Corona. But you’ll be fine. Totally fine. You might think you’re going to die—and everybody does die, eventually. But you’ll be fine. You feel fine, right? You won’t need a ventilator. There are no ventilators—but you won’t need one.
How old are you, 55? You won’t need one. Some people need a ventilator, and they’re amazing machines. Did you know the first ventilator was made by Henry Ford? It’s an incredible piece of equipment. But you’ll be fine.
The virus gets into your lungs, which is where you breathe. But you have two of them. Some say you have a spare. Some people only have one lung. It’s true. But I don’t talk about spares. I always want both. Given a choice, I want two lungs.
So I’ve asked nurse—what’s your name, Nancy?—I’ve asked nurse Nancy to keep you comfortable. And Nancy is one of our finest nurses. I mean, just look at her. Incredible, right? Nancy, you’re really incredible. You’re not afraid of Corona, are you, the Chinese Plague? I didn’t think so. Nancy will bring you whatever you need. And if you start coughing, do that into your elbow, so you don’t make a mess. Okay, you’re doing great. I’ll see you later.
Edit/live update:
"You can call it a germ. You can call it a flu. You can call it a virus. You can call it many different names. I'm not sure anybody even knows what it is."
And now a short one that will get everyone here offended.
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help. Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
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