Re: If you were president, what would you do first?
Are you all mad?
First thing I'd do is get my staff to address me only by the honorific "Great Balls of Fire", and disallow anyone from speaking in political meetings unless they did it in a fake accent, in song, poetry, or rap... Thirdly I'd have anyone who pointed out that rap and poetry are essentially the same thing tied to a wooden phallus in the biggest square I could find, and only let them down when they'd sworn their undying love for chipotle mayonnaise.
Next I'd introduce an amendment that made it permissible for anyone, regardless of age, height or anything else to carry a water pistol, to be used on people who spoke of political descent, or besmirched my holy name.
Then I reckon I'd make my entire country follow Pastafarianism... except for Celiacs. They can follow whatever religion they want, thus theologically negating the culinary situation we currently have where normal people can eat whatever bread they want, and celiacs are restricted to dry boring loaves concocted by sadists.
Next I'd fix the problem of housing and pollution, by issuing everyone with a free tent. That way, everyone would have a home, nobody would feel the need to break in, because no bugger would have anything they couldn't carry, and people could move as close as they wanted to the places they visited most often, thus neatly cutting down on the number of cars on the roads. Praise the balls!
To stop people from getting mad at me, I'd have my picture emblazoned in half the urinals in the land, and on half the toilet paper. Then if people wanted to fight back, they could literally piss on me, or wipe their arses on my face. Plus, that would perpetuate the nicely cultivated patriarchy we've got going on, by giving men double the choice (sorry ladies).
And as if all those good works weren't enough, I'd finish off by kicking off a curry-making contest, the winner to be decided by a panel of judges formed of me, myself, I, and any other internal voices I could cook up without the aid of hardcore hallucinogens.
When I'd established the winner, using nothing but my politically-chosen mouth, I'd abdicate and make the best cook take over as president, whereupon I'd embark on a serious spiritual journey of trying to get laid as often as possible, while doing as little as possible (apart from carrying my government issue tent of course).
You lot just don't take rulership seriously enough, what's wrong with you?
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