I think that my copy of these Maintenance Responses is very old judging
by the 'never had an accident' comment. I have also added a set of
Flight announcements etc that are attributed to Australian Airlines.
A) Maintenance
----------------
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS
pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way
Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P
stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for
the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
aeroplane, the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
B) Flight Announcements
-------------------------
From the sky of Oz
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft."
"Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone voice
came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as f#&% everything has shifted."
From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seat belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults
acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry.Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!" _____
Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal." _____
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that,
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a
cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or
were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number xyz, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after
a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was
talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Dave Shorter wrote:
One of the best laughs I had for years was the list of responses of
the Maintenance engineers to reported problems, allegedly from Qantas
pilots.
If you've read it you'll know what I'm referring to .... but I've lost
my copy of it and would dearly love to share with a friend.
Has anyone kept a copy they could refer to me.
thanks ....... and have a happy Christmas to all and many safe
landings in the New Year
Dave Shorter
email: [EMAIL PROTECTED] <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> (Note - no "au" in
address)
11 Lighthouse Crescent
Emerald Beach NSW 2456
Ph: (02)6656 1979 Fax: (02)6656 2983
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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