This is Matt Joyce's notice to the DHS that they are fired.
Dear Dept of Homeland Security (and associated agencies),
As a citizen of the United States, I am entitled to life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness. And you as a federally funded arm of
... something... you are charged with the protection of all that is
America ( or so I assume from the name ). In the past, we've had our
moments of contention. For instance, there was that time you stopped
the lawyer, the preacher, and myself at the airport and subjected us
to extra "security". Or the time you added me to a watch list because
my ID expired. And then there was the time you blogged about how matt
joyce's MP3 player specifically is not allowed on any airplane ever.
And I didn't even complain when you added my (at the time) infant
cousin to the terrorist watch list. I suppose we can laugh about all
that now, since I'm not sitting in a cage somewhere near a cigar
plantation. Ha ha. I do want you to know, however that I appreciate
the hard work in spite of our disagreements. I've had the time to
engage in some pretty lengthy conversations with TSA agents as they
dug through my bags and swabbed them for their machines to bloople
and bleeple over. It's tough getting up early every morning and
making that long drive to the airport. It's tough to have to put up
with a million angry people every day who secretly pray that you are
taken away in the night and disappeared like an Iranian reformist. I
get it, and that's why I am as nice as I can possibly be to you guys
whenever I happen to be under your oppressive scrutiny. And I'm not
just saying that. Most people are nice to you because they are scared
of missing their flight... or worse. Me, I just feel bad for you
guys. Your uniforms are worse than the ones they wear at McDonald's
establishments, and your jobs are way less fulfilling than that of
the noble fry vat jockey. So when I say what I am about to say,
please realize it's not personal. I care about you guys. And this is
difficult to say knowing it may hurt your feelings. But, I'd really
like to opt out of your protection. Your services are no longer required.
Now, I know what you are thinking... and it probably involves several
talking heads on the television reporting fearsome terrorists,
uncertain futures, and doubt in our safety. And, I readily admit that
there are some folks out there in the world that are angry, insane,
and just plain cruel enough to try to kill me. I am not saying I am
for that... personally I don't like seeing anyone get hurt. Not my
cup of tea, especially not if it's me. I'm perfectly happy fulfilling
my intense enjoyment of loud noises and big explosions with fireworks
and video games. And as an American I am lucky enough to be able to
pursue that passion safely and legally. But, lets talk about the
elephant in the room... or rather the one that isn't there,
terrorists. In fact the odds of a terrorist showing up in my room, or
an airport for that matter on the same day I am there is so mind
bogglingly low, I'd be happier if you guys were all employed fixing
pot holes in NYC streets. I am way more likely to be killed by a pot
hole than I am by a terrorist. And while that alone is a big reason
for me to say I don't need you, well it's not the main reason.
Primarily, I just don't like what you guys are doing to my country.
In fact, I am pretty much disgusted by it. And, as I said before... I
get it, you guys are having a tough time of it. And I know that your
intentions were truly honorable. I respect your efforts and even find
myself awed by your selflessness. But, I've tried to be tolerant and
accepting of our differences, and I just don't want to be any more. I
think it's time you and I went separate ways. We're just not getting
along. And it's no ones fault really. You are scared of terrorists,
and I get that. Some folks are scared of water and the number
thirteen, for you it's terrorists. Me personally I've got a pretty
nasty fear of bees. And, lets be honest a grown man running from a
bee is way more absurd than 20 guys hanging out in an airport in
silly uniforms harassing people all day every day for nearly a decade
on the off chance that one of them might be a terrorist. But, in the
end we're both acting pretty foolish.
So, I release you from your charge. I no longer want, or require your
services. I would like to opt-out. I want to fly on airplanes with no
TSA security checkpoints. I want to get on trains without bag
searches. I don't want to hand over my ID to every jackass with a
plastic badge. I want to just live life to it's fullest and not have
to deal with your mental health issues. And, I think we can do that.
Let's get you a new airport. One with big beefy concrete walls, and
lots of millimeter wave technologies and UAVs up the wazoo. Hell
let's get you guys some awesome uniforms with some crazy gas masks
and like night vision and stuff. I mean you'd look like freaking
space commandos. I'm in. Let's do that. You guys can go guard your
fortified airports and super secure air planes. And me, I'll stick
with regular old delta. Crappy peanuts, half a can of soda, and a 400
lb who is literally spewing sweat like he's old faithful. We can both
be happy here. Let's talk to our senators and congressmen. Let's talk
to all our elected representatives and let's make the case to get you
guys the help you need, and at the same time bring normalcy back to
the american way of life for the rest of america. Hell you guys have earned it.
So, I guess what I am saying is... this isn't the end of the world
guys. This is just the beginning of a new opportunity for you. And,
if you could please pack your stuff up quietly and get the fuck out
of my airports and off of my streets without saying anything I'd
really appreciate it. Thanks. Bye. Don't let the door hit you in the
ass on the way out. And don't worry about needing a guest pass we got
rid of those because they are a fucking stupid waste of time, money and trees.
Sincerely,
US Citizen Matt Joyce
Brooklyn, N
