Subject: News Flash
Here's the latest news out of Washington ...
The Bush administration announced today it will seek congressional approval and United Nations backing for a pre-emptive attack on Norway.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters the CIA has learned that Norway has been stockpiling a weapon of mass destruction, a mysterious substance called "lutefisk."
"As we understand it, Norway has been preparing this material in barrels filled with lye and storing it in stockpiles throughout the country both in urban and rural settings," said Condoleeza "Wild" Rice, national security adviser.
Secretary of State Colin Powell said President Bush will address the United Nations next week, laying down conditions that must be met by the Scandinavian country to avoid a pre-emptive attack, possibly before the Christmas holidays.
"This is simply an extension of the Bush Doctrine, in which it is the policy of the U.S. to identify threats around the globe and get them before they get us," Powell said.
Lutefisk is a substance virtually unheard of in Washington and on the Eastern Seaboard, but is said to be common in certain parts of the Midwest. The FBI branch office in Minneapolis has been alerted to watch for signs of lutefisk production in that region.
In Oslo, Norwegian Foreign Minister Trigve Trondheim was defiant upon hearing of the threatened attack by the United States unless Norway agrees to allow U.N. inspectors free reign throughout the country.
"There is certainly no need to allow inspectors into King Harald's palace or country estates," Trondheim asserted. "Why would we hide lutefisk there?" he asked, shifting his eyes.
Experts on the substance disagree on its volatility but most admit it can have widespread deleterious effects on entire populations exposed to it. The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta acknowledged it is "playing catch-up ball" where lutefisk is concerned, but CDA director Dr. Ralph Macabre warned that any substance stored in lye should be regarded as extremely dangerous.
In a brief statement yesterday in the White House Rose Garden, President George W. Bush asserted that the United States will never stand idly by when substances of potential mass destruction are being produced anywhere.
"These evildoers are bent on infecting the entire U.S. population with this dangerous substance," the president said. "Unless United Nations inspectors are allowed to determine the extent of lutefisk production in Norway, it is my duty as commander-in-chief of the armed forces to send our brave servicemen and women to Norway to root out sources of lutefisk and destroy them."
Bush said any attack must take place before the Christmas holiday season "when the threat is greatest."
U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, when asked about the peril, said, "Where's Norway?"
Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle of South Dakota noted he is from a part of the country where lutefisk infestations have broken out in the past, often in December. "We've got to act fast," Daschle told reporters, "or millions of Americans could suffer."
Meanwhile, the government was preparing to upgrade its fruitcake warning to code orange
Title: FW: News Flash: more on Lutefisk
