I don't think I'm shy, I don't think I ever was. Even the terms I use will show a bias. I'm not a chatterbox and those that are upset me. I think they are idiots, filling the silence with meaningless words instead of engaging in real conversation. Other problems hamper me but they happen more in social situations. I'm not one to say hi in a hallway or other random encounters.
I'm awkward around women, more so if they are attractive. Around undesirable women I can get disdainful if I consider the bad quality to be a personal flaw, like being overweight* or even a bad hair style. *(pot meet kettle). I improve as I get used to the woman.
I think my face is a wide billboard broadcasting every thought. What's funny is the times I've been called on it, someone reacting to my facial expression, they've usually been wrong. But there are the millions of other times that the person doesn't say something yet may be thinking it, reacting to me.
These are workplace problems. I can almost blame this on my work history including seven years in factories that were earplug mandatory. How can you chit-chat when you have to yell? And being in maintenance with all male crews.
But I also like the way I think. I hate people who stand around for an hour talking about anything but work. Even guys talking about sports. Outside of work, I'll be glad to talk about anything, but I come to work to work. I don't think I'm a better worker, I do waste time in my own way, but a group talk can affect people around the group. At least with my new location that doesn't happen as much.
There are two places I do not worry about. In general meetings I have no trouble interacting. I do hang back and let others talk, but if I think a point is being missed or if the meeting leader is letting the topic drift I'll speak up. (Still, I hate going to a meeting and get a person who wants to talk about their drive into work or some other distraction and the leader just lets them run, where I know I can't say anything.) The other, I can talk to a group with no problem. If I didn't practice the speech I can get rushed but otherwise I have no problems.
Since my job isn't in a factory anymore, I need to relearn (or learn) how to be a people person. Not rise to the level of a glad-handler, just give a better first impression and with normal interactions. I was hoping after two years I'd get better, but today was no picnic. I don't want to damage my opportunities of advancement.
Anyone have similar problems/doubts/feelings? Any ideas on fixes? Intense psychotherapy? Join a cult?
Kevin T. - VRWC Other than the one I already belong to
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