Here you go: (reprinted without permission)
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(ejit is Irish for idiot.)
In this lesson we're going to make MacGyver's Chocolate Chip Cookies. For
this, make sure you have the following:
* 2 frequent flier coupons
* 1 cinema ticket stub
* 1 standard paperclip (not plastic coated though)
As all our American readers know, chocolate-chip cookies are supposed to be
a nice, relaxing kind of food, so first you'll need to go somewhere
relaxing. Peru isn't bad, so use your frequent-flier coupons to buy a
round-trip ticket there.
Then when the in-flight attendant doles out the bags of peanuts, hold onto
them and don't eat them (because you'll need them later). You will be
seated next to an attractive woman who teaches undergraduates archaeology
at Oxford University. As you chat, she explains how she's on the trail of
her father, a rich biochemist who's also an amateur archaeologist, who went
to Peru to find a lost pyramid devoted to the god Coqahaxnte. By this stage
they're serving the main meal, so make sure to save those little packets of
salt and butter. The archaeologist lady will be too worried about her Dad
to eat anything, so ask for her portion of butter too.
Arriving at the airport in Lima, you will queue for a taxi. But this bloke
will stumble against you, and you notice that he's been stabbed in the left
side and is bleeding profusely. Just before he kicks the bucket, his
shaking hands will thrust the key to a safety deposit box into your hand.
Rush over to the newsvendor's stand and grab a bar of chocolate. Give a
handful of change, including that cinema ticket stub. The newspaper boy
will reach under the counter and surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm
into your rucksack along with the chocolate bar. We're not sure what the
microfilm's for, but jump into the cab before a fat man with a huge
moustache strides up to the newspaper lad holding a cinema ticket stub. He
and the newsboy will run after you, just as the woman who sat next to you
on the plane drives up in her rented car and offers you a lift. Hop in and
zoom away before the man with the moustache manages to squeeze off more
than one shot (which misses anyway, and the lady driver will think it's
only a car backfiring).
She kindly offers to let you stay in her spacious hotel room, but first
she'll need to pop into the bank to do a little business of course. While
she chats with the bank manager, casually wander over to the safety deposit
boxes and open the one matching the key. It contains two bags of flour,
sugar, baking soda and a large bottle of Johnson's Baby Oil. Grab the lot,
along with the bit of paper lining the bottom of the box. Return to the
lobby, walk with lady back to car, unfold the paper and... blimey it's a
map for somewhere deep in the Peruvian jungle! Your companion also gasps:
"That's my dad's handwriting!" From here on, all you need to do is to trek
over the Andes for a few scenes and through the jungle for two days, evade
a couple of drug barons and that bloke with the moustache, locate the
hidden pyramid, use a long rope (made from hemp) to descend into its depths
and locate the treasure room.
In the southwest corner stands a large golden idol with massive rubies for
eyes, a golden bowl in its lap, and a massive bird's nest on its head. Put
the butter from the airplane into the bowl, stir until softened.
Get the gold cup and add two cups of sugar to the butter, stir well until
creamed. Add two eggs from the nest, one Swiss Army Knife spoonful of
baking soda and about three cups of flour (make sure you first remove the
large plastic bag of cocaine hidden in the bag of flour first). Mix well,
add the peanuts from the flight and use your Swiss Army Knife to scrape the
chocolate bar into chips and add to mixture.
Once the cookie batter is on the tray, the lady will ask to lick the bowl.
But she'll accidentally bump against the giant idol's elbow. There's a low
grinding sound as the huge stone blocking the drug smugglers' lab rolls
away to reveal her Dad chained to a table, being forced to refine drugs for
the smugglers.
During their happy, tearful reunion, pick up a strange device from the
outer room and bring it into the lab where there's more light for closer
inspection. Bring the cookie sheet too and plonk them next to each other on
the table. The device is clearly of extra-terrestrial origin: a highly
powerful laser cutting device, except that it shows signs of having been
dropped, breaking the actuator wire and misaligning the front mirror
construct.
Use your Swiss Army Knife's fish scaling blade to realign the mirror and
then use the paperclip to reconnect the high-voltage trigger to the laser
firing mechanism. Cut through the chain holding yer man to the table -
this, incidentally, triggers an alarm, and the drug smugglers burst in and
fire at will, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it permanently on
and cracking the rear reflector mechanism, and now the entire area -
particularly the cookies - is awash with high-energy radiation. Now all
three of you get chased around the pyramid's interior for about 18 minutes
and you have a brief snog, by which time the cookies should be done. Run to
the outer room where all three of you scale the hemp rope with the bad guys
in hot pursuit. Once at the top, open the bottle of Johnson's Baby Oil and
pour it onto the rope, causing the baddies to slip back into the pyramid as
you and your companions escape into the jungle just moments before the
entire building explodes. By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat.
Enjoy (serves three).
Next week: how to make MacGyver's Crepe Suzette, using a Lotto ticket,
three rubber bands and a Fianna Fail election poster.
Kevin Gilchrist
Senior Consultant
RedSiren Technologies Inc.
(412) 281 4427 ext 466
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