"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week.
Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You
know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where
the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand or
China."
--Jay Leno
"President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting
all of his accomplishments in office. That's why it's a 30-second spot."
-- Jay Leno
"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters:
"Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were
four years ago?"
-- Jay Leno
"The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out
round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that?
It's called Fox News."
-- Craig Kilborn
"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of
2,162.That'sthe total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic
nomination. See for President Bush it's different. His magic number is
5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win."
-- Jay Leno
"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House
wall and got arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten
into the White House unlawfully since President Bush."
-- David Letterman
"A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would
beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White House is so
worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of
Osama Bin Laden to next month."
-- Jay Leno
"The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6
million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they
were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs."
-- Jay Leno
"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard
troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there."
-- Craig Kilborn
"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in
San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should
make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a
president, then he prefers judges."
-- Jay Leno
"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove
George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've
got documents that prove Al Gore won the election."
-- Jay Leno
"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They
were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records.
They actually found some old Al Gore ballots."
-- David Letterman
"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do
if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last
time?'"
-- Jay Leno
"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign
appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile
President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for
him."
-- Conan O'Brien
"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has
two parts: smoke and mirrors."
-- Jay Leno
"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence won't what it should have
been. We knew that when we elected him!"
-- Jay Leno
"It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we
went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar
Bill Clinton really was."
-- Craig Kilborn
"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address,
interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words."
-- Jay Leno
"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get
the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to
need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went."
-- Jay Leno
"President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the
moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's
been drinking again."
-- David Letterman
"Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill has written a book about his
years with the Bush Administration. He said that President Bush while at
cabinet meetings is disengaged, he's uninformed, distracted, he's
passive, and the Democrats are saying to themselves, "How can we
possibly beat this guy?"
-- David Letterman
The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the war in Iraq a disaster,
and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In fact,
President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now threatening to close
down the border between Spain and the U.S.
-- Jay Leno
The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract in
Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any
competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's
friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said "Yes.'"
-- Conan O'Brien
"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the
details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed
people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time
at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up."
-- Jay Leno
"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has
to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush, he can't
just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil,
gas and power companies. "
-- Jay Leno
"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of
golf in Crawford, Texas earlier today. ... This raises the question:
Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like
20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?"
-- Craig Kilborn
Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al Gore
and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs, and
our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did vote
for Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things didn't come
true!"
-- James Carville
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