Erika L. Walker wrote: > When I sent this, I thought to myself, "The only person that will probably > reply positively, let alone get it, would be Larry." > But of course you are our resident "doctor". :) > > Talking is never over-rated. I believe in this wholeheartedly. My > relationship with the BF is wonderful. We talk about EVERYTHING. Nothing is > out of bounds, and we take the time to sit down and really listen to what > each other wants. It's not always what we want to hear, but he's my best > friend, and I'm his. A lot of people would poo poo that - but the level of > connection we have is fantastic. Of course we both really enjoy the same > things including taking time for date nights, sitting at the end of the day > with a cocktail, talking about the day or whatever suits our fancy, etc. <snip>
I've been in a non-monogamous relationship for 14 years, with two major partners and a couple minor ones over that time. I was very fortunate to know very young that monogamy was not my kink and to own up to it and follow though and not try to fit into socially pre-defined boxes. I've also been active in the bdsm community for a number of years. One thing you learn in alternative sexuality circles is to communicate. Rule number one in polyamorous relationships is communicate, communicate, communicate. Early on, especially, it is important to check in all the time, know where you are at, where you lovers are at, process the feelings that are going on. Its true that its not always what you want to hear, but they are the people you want to be with, so its important to understand what they are going through. And the understanding you get out of it combined with the habit of exposing yourself and being honest about your own feelings really does deepen the relationship. It takes a lot of balls all around. Now that being said, the advanced lesson is knowing when to shut up. Telling everyone everything all the time risks information overload and tends to cause undue stress and anxiety. There are a lot of things that people just don't need to know. It won't adversely affect them, it won't leave them wondering and its not anything they would go digging for. There are a lot of half-formed thoughts and feelings that you can't adequately explain, there are a lot of little crushes that are totally transitory and will fade quickly, there are all sorts of things that don't need to be discussed and beaten into the ground and you can be better off spending that time just being happy and chilling in the name of domestic tranquility. Finding that right balance between honesty and compassion can be tricky though. That's why I start by erring on the side of communication and then finding a good common ground about what needs to be worked through and what you can just let slide. That requires a lot of brutal self honesty too otherwise you start to kid yourself and let things slide that you shouldn't. Self-delusion is that start of a bunch of fuck ups. People and relationships are fascinating. I'm glad humans have such a complex social life. And the sex is awesome too. Go all of that. :) Judah ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| Check out the new features and enhancements in the latest product release - download the "What's New PDF" now http://download.macromedia.com/pub/labs/coldfusion/cf8_beta_whatsnew_052907.pdf Archive: http://www.houseoffusion.com/groups/CF-Community/message.cfm/messageid:244584 Subscription: http://www.houseoffusion.com/groups/CF-Community/subscribe.cfm Unsubscribe: http://www.houseoffusion.com/cf_lists/unsubscribe.cfm?user=11502.10531.5
