1. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution,
you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have
plenty of money.
2. Hi! John's answering machine is broken.
This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message
to myself with one of these magnets.
3. Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or
a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through the office
and don't need their picture taken. They
are also very happy with their current
phone service. If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will
get back to you.
4. The College Special.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of
those reasons is why we're not here. So
leave a message.
5. If you are a burglar calling to check,
then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the
phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave us a message.
6. Hi. I am probably home, I'm just
avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
7. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice
Blackmail System.
Your voice patterns are now being digitally
encoded and stored for later use. Once this
is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of your voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you
in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for
your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"Where do forest rangers go to "get away from
it all?" - George Carlin
------------------------------------------------
Quick Wit:
A response to a corny pick-up line.
Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female: DO NOT ENTER.
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