http://thestansblog.blogspot.com/2007/06/introduction-to-flatology.html
Wednesday, June 13, 2007 An Introduction To Flatology I think farts are hilarious. Now before you start accusing me of being an unsophisticated, uncouth, crass, blue-collar yokel consider this: I didn't invent the things. God did. And God had to have had a sense of humor when he invented them. Imagine creating a race of beings who walk around blowing hot, smelly gas out their ass, and often very LOUDLY. Everyone has gas at one time or another (even the President). Its just a matter of how bad, how often, and whether it happens in public. I have a friend who is so flatulently repressed he says he has never farted...ever. And if he has to, he holds it in. Now I don't know about you, but if I've got a lot of air pressure pushing against my sphincter, I'm going to let it out! It's where it's supposed to go...it's the natural order of things. Holding it in just postpones the inevitable, and makes it a whole lot worse. Like procrastinating on paying your bills...there WILL be a reckoning day! Now, the degree of humor in any given fart situation is a function of how loud it is, how raunchy it is, how many people are in the "kill zone," and how embarrassed the flatulator is. So what is flatology? It's the scientific study of flatulence. According to flatologists, flatulations are classified according to their three primary characteristics, known as the "Three 'S's": sound, smell, and spread. 1. Sound: The sound is made up of a combination of various measurable elements: volume (decibel level), length, timbre, pitch, repetition, etc., including their change over time. This is expressed in a series of graphs, mapping these sound characteristics over time. 2. Smell: Anywhere from "diffuse" to "deadly." It also takes into account the "delay factor," which is calculated as a function of the air density differential, the temperature differential, and wind speed/direction. 3. Spread: The precise dimensions of the "kill zone" and its change over time. This is represented by a series of graphs showing concentric rings of decreasing intensity from the source and the precise degree of exposure within each radius. Since the "delay factor" is directly related to spread, spread is also dependent on the air density differential, the temperature differential, and wind speed/direction. Therefore, it stands to reason that the worse fart possible would max out in all three categories...while the most innocuous would barely register in any category. However, there is a special subcategory, popularly known as the "silent but deadly" which barely registers on sound meters, but maxes out the other two. It can be argued that this is, in fact, the worst possible flatulation because bystanders have no early warning sign, and are, therefore, caught in the "kill zone" unawares until it's too late. It is this special subcategory that is the subject of my next post... The Stan Posted by The Stan at 9:55 AM
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