> > CLEANING TIPS FOR THOSE WITH LIVES AND DOGS..... > (this makes Martha Stewart look uncreative.) > > > > > >1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a > >serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet > >Fresh. > > > > >2. Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Dedicate > >the area under the couch as a reserve and claim an ecological exemption. > > > > >3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter > >against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it a SPF of 5 and > >leave it alone. > > > > >4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the > >bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your significant other > >points out they need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? > >and spoil the mood?" > > > > >5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread > >magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Fen > >Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. > > > > >6. Explain that you are collecting the mounds of pet hair that pile up > >in the corners to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for > >underprivileged children. > > > > >7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one > >room and close the door. As you show your guest through your tidy home, > >rattle the doorknob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to > >see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO > >expensive." > > > > >8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the > >coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted to be > >scattered..." > > > > >9. For dirty walls, simply scribble lightly over the wall with an > >assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, > >"Junior did this the week before the accident... I haven't had the heart > >to clean it..." > > > > > > >10. Mix one quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups > >of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags > >in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto > >the couch, and sigh, > > "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere... > > I think I'll take a break and check my e-mail!"
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