In a message dated 12/10/2004 4:40:54 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes:
the cml and gleevec have changed my life
in every way possible. And when I'm not hiding in the bathroom crying,
I'm mad as hell at the world. I feel as though something inside me has
died. Nothing interests me....not even Christmas. I could probably
force enough energy over several days to decorate for Xmas but just
have no interest. I am depressed and I was taking lexapro but my
primary doctor changed it to Paxil CR just this week. I type all of
this about myself and when I reread it, I can't believe
Pat, try not to put yourself in a place you cannot get out of.  Christmas and the holidays are way too much for healthy people with no huge problems, much less those of us who have financial and health complications.  Don't even get me going on our society and what it does to people's inner peace and sense of worth.  Especially around the holidays.  If you don't feel like doing something, don't do it.  I did not feel like putting up all of the decorations this year so I only put up the tree and two wreaths. I haven't even begun my shopping.  I just cannot do it.  Sometimes, though, I find that when I push myself to do what I don't want to do, I am glad afterwards, even though it is a struggle.
Yesterday I started a volunteer job for our local library/museum and I am helping these women with a project for the historical society. It got me out of the house for a few hours and allowed me to prove to myself that I can still work a bit, even though by 9pm I was so tired I thought I'd die.  I work only when I want to work, and no more, but feeling useful is a first step for me in getting out of my self-imposed isolation.
I am not on any antidepressants, and it is a battle.  I hope I can do this without them, but if not, I have appointments set up for the day right after Christmas and New Year's with my counselor just in case I am having a hard time.  I have learned over the years to put safety nets up for myself ahead of time.  I started planning for my Holiday depression in August, no kidding!!!!
I have to run to get my results now but I just had to get back to you about the holiday thing. I'll write you privately later. - Lynne A.


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