Hey everybody, this is some airborne humor I picked up off the Luscombe enthusiasts' mailing list. The Luscombe group was real quiet for several months and then just kinda exploded. Now they have a "war" going with the Tri-Pacer gang and a good time is being had by all.
Anyway, enjoy these. Ciao!
--fj
That'll Learn Ya!
The pilot of a small freight/mail plane was getting a little complacent in
his radio phraseology, probably because of the rather dull routine of his
late-night run. Every weekday at about 2:00 a.m. he would stop at a small
airport and check in with, "Jones Field, good morning. Guess who?"
The lone controller was bored, too, but insisted on proper terminology and
would lecture the pilot on proper radio technique every morning. The
lessons
fell on deaf ears and the pilot continued his daily "Guess who?" call-ups
--
that is, until the morning the radio crackled, "Guess who?" once too
often.
The controller, well prepared, turned off all the lights on the airport
and
responded, "Jones Field, guess where!" The freight pilot's radio
procedures
were impeccable from then on.
You Might Be A Redneck Pilot If...
* Your stall warning plays "Dixie".
* Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.
* You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
* You've ever used moonshine as Avgas.
* You have mudflaps on your wheel pants.
* Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
* You've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
* You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.
* You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
* The side of your airplane has a sign advertising your stump grinding
service.
* You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
* You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
* You refer to formation flying as "we got us a convoy".
* Your matched set of luggage is three grocery bags from the Piggly
Wiggly.
* You have a black airplane with a big number 3 on the side.
* You've ever fueled your airplane from a mason jar.
* You've got a gun rack on the passenger window.
* You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
* Your preflight includes removing all of the clover, grass, and wheat
from
your landing gear.
* You figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into the CG
calculations.
* You siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.
* You've never landed at an actual airport though you've been flying for
years.
* You've ground looped after hitting a cow.
* You consider anything over 100' AGL to be high altitude flight.
* There are parts of your airplane labeled John Deere.
* You've never actually seen a sectional but have all of the Texaco road
maps for your flying area.
* You answer all radio calls from females with, "That's a big 10-4 little
darlin'".
* There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco
stains on the left.
* You have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats.
* You use your parachute to cover your plane.
* You've ever landed on the main street of town to get a cup of coffee.
* You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
* You've won the "Barb Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
* Some of your favorite navigation aids have things like "seniors 96"
painted on them.
* The tread pattern, if any, on your main tires doesn't match.
* Your primary comm. radio has 90 channels.
* You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
* You put hay in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.
* Your flight instructor's day job is at the community sales barn.
* You've got matching bumper stickers on the vertical fin.
* There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
* There is a brown stained Styrofoam cup strategically placed in your
glove
box.
* The FAA still thinks you live at your parents house.
* You think Zulu is an African time zone.
* Your hangar collapses and more than 4 dogs are injured.
* Somewhere on your airplane is a "I'd rather be fishing" bumper sticker.
* You navigate with your ADF tuned to exclusively country stations.
* When you go to the airport cafe they hand you biscuits and gravy instead
of a menu.
* You think that an ultralight is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.
* Just before the crash, everybody at the airport heard you say, "Hey,
y'all
watch this!!".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flight Training Journal
Week 1
Monday: Rain
Tuesday: Rain
Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either
Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take
instructor to lunch.
Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same maneuver. Cover
instructor with lunch.
Week 2
Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off plexiglass with ice-scraper. Used
big scratch as marker to set pitch.
Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle "THAT BIG KNOB
THING."
Also hates when I call instruments "GADGETS"
Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turned them off.
Instructor seems to think I missed something.
Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again
today.
Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record -- my first
compliment.
Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted
flight
yet.
Week 3
Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling
her "BABE". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for
inverted
flight.
Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him "BABE", too. He
got
mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.
Wednesday: Instuctor said after the first 20 hours, most students have
established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine.
Aha--progress!
Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also
did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiance's
house as point again.
Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final
formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!
Week 4
Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the
captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor
says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.
Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned gray at
such
an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine
but
to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be
out
of the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor
says his back bothers him only a little.
Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot
lower. I'm sure my instructor is going gray.
Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked way. I told
him I wanted the extra lift as a safty margin. More ground school.
Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone
actually laugh until they cried before.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
"I got a song I wanta send out today ta all the dairy farmers. It's called
'Don't Never Milk yer Cow in a Winstorm or yer Liable ta be Left a-Holdin'
th' Bag.' "
--Pap Napier (of the Stanley Brothers & Clinch
Mountain Boys)
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