-Caveat Lector-
from:
http://www.zolatimes.com/V2.44/pageone.html
<A HREF="http://www.zolatimes.com/V2.44/pageone.html">Laissez Faire City Times
- Volume 2 Issue 44</A>
The Laissez Faire City Times
December 28, 1998 - Volume 2, Issue 44
Editor & Chief: Emile Zola
-----
Bill: Thanks for the 1998 Memories
(depending on what the word "thanks" means)
by Jack Ryan
Looking back on 1998 is a heady, almost surreal exercise. What a year.
Bill Clinton's Sexgate brought to the world stage so many memorable
moments and characters, that I defy anyone to chronicle from memory the
order of events that L'affaire Lewinsky entailed. I'm quite certain your
head would explode into little cranium chunks should you attempt it.
Let me save your sanity and your cranium. So many memories; so few
months to have crammed them into. It is almost with a sense of sorrow
and loss that I say good-bye to 1998. There is no bitterness or
recalcitrance as I bid adieu, for I say good-bye in the manner one might
wave good-bye to a beloved grandmother, or perhaps as Bill Clinton might
have once waved good-bye to his beloved humidor, Monica S. Lewinsky. For
as we say good-bye today, we can be certain that we shall meet again on
the morrow--in the form of 1999. Here's hoping that the new year will be
as unique and memorable in the history books.
As for 1998, thanks, Bill Clinton, for the memories.
Though the American people have always known you to be a lying rogue,
they overlooked that in two elections. Although they knew you to be less
than honest, they took a Shakespearean read, knowing that you could
sometimes be honest by chance. You gave us so many enchanting moments
this year. Your contributions to American society in 1998 had less to do
with legislation than it did with masturbation. It had less to do with
pounding the pulpit than it with did with pounding a porker. You taught
us many things we might not have otherwise discovered for ourselves.
We now know that "is" may not always be. We now know that no one is
actually ever "alone"; although there are 5 billion other souls on this
planet who would quibble with that silly notion. We now know that while
you chose to protest your government during Vietnam, you have deployed,
dispersed, and put into harm's way the U.S. military more times than any
president before you . Looking back through the foggy and sometimes
cryptic looking-glass of time, we now know you spent 50 million dollars
in cruise missile currency to destroy a Sudanese aspirin factory-- the
same day that Harmonica Lewinsky gave her grand jury testimony. We said
it was "Wag the Dog." You said, in all your phony indignation, that it
wasn't. We think thou doth protest too much.
Mr. Clinton, you also taught us that Monica's loose lips can--and indeed
did--sink ships. We will never know how many innocent Iraqis died in
your Wag the Willy attack recently. But we can be fairly certain that
your attack had more to do with the result of Monica's trash talk about
your meat missile, than it did with Hussein's SCUD missiles.
And thanks for the lessons, Bill. You taught us how to mislead, lie,
equivocate and quibble. The lessons were simple and understandable: From
January to December, you showed us how to perjure ourselves in 12 easy
lessons. Now we know that O.J. Simpson simply mislead the prosecutors
and the jury. He never lied--at least not to the Clinton standard of
lying. You, Mr. Clinton, raised the perjury bar so high that it would
take a Saturn 5 heavy launch vehicle to get over it. Yea, verily,
perhaps like Apollo 13, your tale will one day grace the silver screen.
"Hillary, we have a problem."
Thanks, Bill, for the intriguing personalities you brought to national
prominence. My Sundays would not have been complete without my
cornflakes and the plethora of nabobs and nincompoops who paraded out to
defend your considerable rear end. Thanks for Rahm Emanuel, who never
met a convoluted sentence he did not like. Rahm proved to us that even a
man with all the passion and emotion of a week-old cadaver could
regurgitate the lies you fed him.
Thank you, Bill, for Paul Begala. The swami of smarm had his legs cut
out from under him after your August 17th temper tantrum. But Paul
showed us, like others under you (or kneeling), that there is no depth
too low in which one can sink for a cause. He shaved his beard off in
the hope we would not recognize him. It didn't work.
Thanks, Bill, for Chester James Carville. For months, Corporal Cueball
Carville raged his own private "Wah" against your nemesis and fellow Man
of the Year, Judge Kenneth Starr. For months, he badmouthed, harangued
and swamped the airwaves with vitriol, lies and half-truths. What a
soldier, you had there, Bill. The end result of this war was your
impeachment. James deserves a promotion.
We thank you, Bill, for Ann Lewis and her horn-blowing brother, Barney
Frank. Ann Lewis suggested on a Sunday news show, that the President's
groping of Kathleen Willey was nothing more than "bumptious". It was a
defining moment in broadcast history, for at that moment , roughly 20
millions viewers all reached for dictionaries. Sorry, Ann. A bumptious
act would have been President Clinton sitting nude on your desk whilst
farting out a jaunty version of "I've got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts".
Groping Miss Willey in the Oral Office was nothing short of perverted.
And who among us has not noticed Barney Frank, the squeaky toy of D.C.
I, like millions of others, cannot watch Mr. Frank on the tube for more
than five minutes without feeling an overpowering urge to brush my
teeth. It is ironic that Mr. Clinton's most vocal defender is also one
of the few congressmen to have been censured himself. Sex scandals are
no stranger to Barney. The truth, however, is. Good old Barney was not
afraid to step up to the plate when the time came to defend the prez,
regardless of the monkey it could have placed on his back. (Not that the
monkey would find any room back there. Until recently, Barney's back
required valet parking). Mr. Frank, with all the vocal eloquence of a
Furbie, proved to us that he who squeaks the loudest, knows the least.
Finally, thank you, Bill, for Monica S. Lewinsky. Before January 1998,
most Americans thought an intern to be no more than a doctor in
training. Bill Clinton elevated the art of stupid pet tricks to a new
level. But instead of men in Velcro jump suits vaulting into felt walls,
we had "gross things to do with tobacco products". The word DNA will
forever be linked to blue cocktail dresses. And semen tests will no
longer have anything to with promotions in the Navy. The president, with
his tubby, latte-sipping socialite wanna-be, tossed the national
discourse into the sewer. We thank you for that. Not for our sakes, but
for our children's. We now have an excuse to turn off the television
set, lest we have to explain oral sex, wet cigars and semen-stained
dresses to our toddlers.
As 1998 comes to a close, we thank you from the bottom of out hearts for
the most previous gift of all--the gift of your well-deserved
presidential legacy. In future history books, the very first sentence of
your biography will read:
PRESIDENT WILLIAM JEFFERSON BLYTHE CLINTON (1992-2000): The only elected
US president to have been impeached.
Yes, William, thanks indeed for the memories . . .
-30-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Ryan is a freelance writer. His most recent screenplay "And Hell
Came with Him" is currently being packaged for pre-production on the
Left Coast. Email:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
from The Laissez Faire City Times, Vol 2, No 44, December 28, 1998
-----
The Laissez Faire City Times is a private newspaper. Although it is
published by a corporation domiciled within the sovereign domain of
Laissez Faire City, it is not an "official organ" of the city or its
founding trust. Just as the New York Times is unaffiliated with the city
of New York, the City Times is only one of what may be several news
publications located in, or domiciled at, Laissez Faire City proper. For
information about LFC, please contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Published by
Laissez Faire City Netcasting Group, Inc.
Copyright 1998 - Trademark Registered with LFC Public Registrar
All Rights Reserved
-----
Aloha, He'Ping,
Om, Shalom, Salaam.
Em Hotep, Peace Be,
Omnia Bona Bonis,
All My Relations.
Adieu, Adios, Aloha.
Amen.
Roads End
Kris
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