-> SNETNEWS Mailing List I got a kick out of this. The Common Conservative 3/1/99 http://commonconservative.com/ "SECRET SERVICE… May we have a word with you?" Men In Black visit the Common Conservative by Tom Adkins The doorbell rang. It was 8:30 AM. I dragged myself out of bed and took a quick look in the mirror. Butt-naked, hair going in 16 directions. Not pretty. This better not be a client who showed up early. I stuck my head out the window and looked down. "Hello?" A gentleman stepped out of the vestibule and looked up at me. "Hi, are you Tom Adkins?" "Yeah, can I help you?" I squinted. A second gentleman stepped out. "We’re from the Secret Service. Could we talk with you?" "Really???" They pulled out their badges. Really. "Cool! I’ll be right down." I slipped on my sweats and galloped down the stairs. I opened the door and sure enough, there were two genuine, bona-fide M.I.B.’s. The Men In Black. "We’d like to talk to you about this article you wrote" Folks, the Common Conservative has arrived. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- There are all sorts of ways to get notoriety. You could run down the street wearing a rhinestone jock-strap and a rose between your teeth. You could marry yourself on national television. You could even rape a campaign worker. But you reached the big-time when the Secret Service pays you a visit. For a writer, getting quoted on Rush, Hannity, Liddy and Boortz was cool. I was flattered when the Washington Times accidentally plagiarized me. But when the Secret Service arrives at your front door, you have crossed into that magical land of legitimacy. So I invited them in. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------ "Tom, are you into guns?" I didn’t think this was a good time to joke about the MX missiles I planned to swap with Saddaam Hussein for some flying carpets. My nature is to simply blurt out the truth, so I told them I just bought my first guns this winter, for home protection. They probably already knew that. But you can’t go wrong with full disclosure. Except for Bill Clinton, maybe. I kidded them about playing paintball, but that it reminded me that in real war, you don’t stand up and say "Dammit, Rick. Ya shot me right in the ass. I’m gonna go get a beer." Makes you think a little. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------ "Tom, did you write this article?" The agent pulled out a copy of my "Snappy Answers to the Stupid State of the Union Address" from last month’s issue. They pointed to the section where I warned Bill Clinton about embracing the Republican plan for school reform, suggesting he wear a "flak jacket" the next time he addresses the teachers union. I figured it was a good metaphor. "Flak". Get it? Apparently some left-wing knucklehead didn’t get it, hysterically assuming it was a dire threat to the president. As good liberal paranoids always do, they sent it along to the Secret Service Sheesh. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- By now, it was becoming obvious I was hardly dangerous (except sometimes when I try to microwave pizza). The MIB’s got that funny look on their face, like Scully and Mulder get when the bald dude sends them off to another cabbage farm to check on fertilizer sales. I was wondering what these poor guys had done wrong to get this assignment. Anyway, the conversation was winding down. I decided to test the waters a little… "How would you like to see my website?" I brought them into my office and fired up the computer. "Say…either of you fella’s Democrats?" They cautiously looked at each other. This might be the greatest risk they faced all day. "Uh…no, actually." A smile crept over my face. A few keystrokes later, and the screen was filled with the glorious front page of the Common Conservative. I told them winning the hearts and minds of Americans is not done with guns and bombs. This is a war of ideas, fought with words. I showed them the offending article and scrolled around a bit. I also showed them the counter, approaching 500,000 hits. Their eyes were smiling. I gave them the web address and told them to stop by whenever they wanted. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------ I must admit, they were very nice. No T.V. stereotypes. They were friendly, relaxed, with no attitude. After they left, a paradox dawned upon me. Here are two average guys who have pledged their very lives to protect a man who deserves national derision. A man who has abused, molested and raped women. A man who lied to a grand jury and obstructed justice. A man who has stolen FBI files. A man who fired innocent employees and attacked them with the FBI. A man who has compiled an "enemies list" so extensive the White House needed an illegal computer to keep track of them. A man who uses the IRS, the Justice department and an army of toads to attack those "enemies". A man who sold missile technology to China in exchange for millions in campaign contributions. A man who has subverted the constitution at every turn. A man whose wife and daughter call these brave and dedicated people "trained pigs". These agents probably watched Clinton wag his finger at them, knowing he was soiling the Oval Office carpet. They probably watched Alec Baldwin threaten Henry Hyde’s family and could do nothing. And here they are, 8:30 on a cold Philadelphia morning, wasting their time talking to someone who writes benign articles on the internet. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------ Funny, since the Secret Service agents visited me, that song "Men In Black" keeps going through my head. I wonder if agents get a kick out of being depicted as intergalactic cowboys, complete with their very own hip-hop theme song? Americans often accept caricatures spawned by Hollywood as reality. Even when the lead actor is the president. But I can’t ignore the irony of these dedicated servants chasing down website writers while the most dangerous constitutional threat is sitting in the Oval Office, smoking cigars and banging on bongo drums. And they have to protect him with their lives. I bet they go home at night seething. ============================================================ This column is dedicated to the men and women who pledge their lives to faithfully protect our nations leaders, regardless of political considerations. A special personal thanks from me to the gentlemen who stopped by. Their names will remain secret, of course. When you read this, think of them. Tom Adkins -> Send "subscribe snetnews " to [EMAIL PROTECTED] -> Posted by: "Mark A. Smith" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
