-Caveat Lector-
from:
http://www.theonion.com/onion3514/unfit_to_govern.html
<A HREF="http://www.theonion.com/onion3514/unfit_to_govern.html">American
People Ruled Unfit To Govern
</A>
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;-)
Om
K
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WASHINGTON, DC--In a historic decision with major implications for
the future of U.S. participatory democracy, the Supreme Court ruled 8-1
Monday that the American people are unfit to govern.
The controversial decision, the first of its kind in the 210-year
history of U.S. representative government, was, according to Justice
David Souter, "a response to the clear, demonstrable incompetence and
indifference of the current U.S. citizenry in matters concerning the
operation of this nation's government."
As a result of the ruling, the American people will no longer retain
the power to choose their own federal, state and local officials or vote
on matters of concern to the public.
"This decision was by no means easy, but it unfortunately had to be
done," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who penned the majority decision in
the case. "The U.S. Constitution is very clear: In the event that the
voting public becomes incapacitated or otherwise unfit to carry out its
duties of self-governance, there is a danger posed to the republic, and
the judicial branch is empowered to remove said public and replace it
with a populace more qualified to lead."
"In light of their unmitigated apathy toward issues of import to the
nation's welfare and their inability to grasp even the most basic
principles upon which participatory democracy is built, we found no
choice but to rule the American people unfit to govern at this time,"
Scalia concluded.
The controversial ruling, court members stressed, is not intended as
a slight against the character of the American people, but merely a
necessary measure for the public good.
"The public's right to the best possible representation is a founding
principle of our nation," Justice Sandra Day O'Connor told reporters.
"If you were on a jet airliner, you wouldn't want an untrained,
incompetent pilot at the controls, and this is the same thing. As
federal justices, we have taken a solemn oath to uphold every citizen's
constitutional rights, and if we were to permit an irresponsible,
disinterested public to continue to helm the ship of state, we would be
remiss in our duties and putting the entire nation at risk."
The ruling brings to an end a grueling 10-month process, during which
more than 100 Supreme Court hearings were held to determine the public's
capacity for self-governance. Despite the fact that these hearings were
aired on C-SPAN, a majority of U.S. citizens were unaware of them
because coverage was largely eclipsed by the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal,
the retirement of NBA legend Michael Jordan, and the release of Titanic
on home video.
The Supreme Court found that, though 78 percent of U.S. citizens have
seen the much-anticipated Star Wars prequel trailer, only one in 200,000
were aware that the multibillion-dollar "Star Wars" missile-defense
system had been approved by Congress. Additionally, while 62 percent of
citizens correctly identified the cast of Suddenly Susan, only .01
percent were able to identify Attorney General Janet Reno beyond "some
woman Jay Leno always says looks like a man." Further, only .0003
percent could correctly identify the ancient Greek city-state of Athens
as the birthplace of the concept of an educated citizenry participating
in democratic self-rule.
Above: Just some of the millions of empty voting booths that can be
seen across America each November.
But the final straw, Supreme Court justices said, came last week when
none of the 500,000 random citizens polled were aware that Russian
President Boris Yeltsin had threatened global thermonuclear war in
response to NATO air attacks in Yugoslavia.
"I mean, come on," Justice William Rehnquist said. "Global
thermonuclear war? It's just ridiculous. There was just no way we could
trust such a populace to keep running things after that."
Populations currently being considered to fill the leadership void
until the American people can be rehabilitated and returned to
self-governance include those of Switzerland, Sweden and Canada.
"I'm willing to do what I can to help out in this time of crisis and
make sure that my vote counts," said Stockholm resident Per Johanssen.
"I've been reading up on America a bit, just to get a general idea of
what needs to be done, and from what I can tell, they really need some
sort of broad-based health-care reform over there right away."
In a provisional test of the new system, the Canadian province of
Saskatchewan will hold primaries next Tuesday to re-evaluate last fall's
gubernatorial election in Minnesota.
The lone dissenting vote came from Justice Anthony Kennedy, who, in
his minority opinion wrote, "Although the American people are clearly
unable to make responsible decisions at this time, it is not their fault
that they are so uninformed. Rather, the blame lies with the media
interests and corporate powers that intentionally keep them in the dark
on crucial issues."
Kennedy concluded his opinion by tendering his immediate resignation
and announcing his intent "to move to a small island somewhere."
Thus far, reaction to the ruling has been largely indifferent.
"The people ruled unfit to govern? Yeah, I I think I might've heard
something about that," said Covington, KY, sales representative Neil
Chester. "I think I saw it on the news or something, when I was flipping
past trying to find that show about the lady sheriff."
"If you ask me, voting was a big pain anyway," agreed mother of four
Sally Heim of Augusta, ME. "At least now I'm free to do my
soap-opera-trivia crossword puzzles in peace, without all that
distraction about who's running for Second District Alderperson and
what-not."
Despite the enormous impact the ruling would seem to have, many
political experts are downplaying its significance.
"It doesn't really change anything, to be honest," said Duke
University political-science professor Benjamin St. James. "The public
hasn't made any real contributions to the governance of the country in
decades, so I don't see how this ruling affects all that much."
"I wouldn't worry about it," St. James added. "It's not that
important."
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