-Caveat Lector- PRESIDENT DELIVERS "NATIONAL SANCTITY OF HUMAN LIFE DAY" STATEMENT TO ASSEMBLED AMERICA-HATING PROTESTERS Remarks by the President
http://whitehouse.org/news/2003/011903.asp THE PRESIDENT: Today is National Sanctity of Human Life Day, as decreed by me early last week in a breathlessly dramatic proclamation that Karl Rove threw together to assure the Christian right wing I'm still the man to overthrow Roe vs. Wade – no matter if I did pay to illegally vacuum a big ole womb booger out of this sweet underaged slice of tang I was plugging back in the late 60's. Of course, today is also noteworthy for another reason - that being the fact that you people here - all 250,000 of you - have conspired to stage the largest organized anti-war protest since the Vietnam War. Now I've never pretended to understand hippies, what with your ugly clothes and greasy hair and stupid little Volkswagen Hitler vans you people caravan around in, but I have to say that today, you freakazoids have me even more stumped than usual. I mean, why would anyone want to ruin a perfectly good day celebrating the sanctity of human life by bellyaching over my plans to go waste a few hundred thousand good-for-nothing camel jockeys? (Boos.) Yeah, "boo" is right. "Boo-hoo-hoo!" While you deadbeat America-haters are parading around crying like a bunch of women and dancing the funky chicken to moldy cassettes of some dead junkie fatso jamming out on LSP, I'm busy doing everything in my power to launch a completely necessary and totally non-personal war against Saddam Hussein. You see, this indescribably dangerous tin pot dictator, whose army we crushed within hours back in 1991, and who has been crippled and impoverished by U.N. sanctions ever since, is nevertheless somehow poised to miraculously dispatch vast omnipotent hordes of Godless Arabiac monsters halfway around the planet to invade America and devour our blue-eyed babies whole! And that, my worthless long- haired friends, is something my approval ratings cannot allow. Never mind all this pansy Hans Blix nonsense about "evidence" and "inspections." This White House respects the sanctity of American life - even at the cost of killing every last crybaby non-American on the face of the earth. But no, you people wouldn't understand that. And you say I'm the dumb one? Well here's some more top-secret intelligence for you: when you've got B.O., and you smear patchouli oil all over yourself, it doesn't mean the B.O. goes away - it just means that instead of just stinking like ass, now you stink like Joan Baez's ass instead. Oh, and while I'm at it - Tom's of Maine doesn't work either. All you holier-than-thou Tom's of Maine eco-consumers out there, every last one of you has furry teeth and reeks like a Pakistani cab driver. Truth is, how you can come out here and say you love America, yet can't even be bothered to pick up a real goddamned stick of soap or deodorant simply boggles my mind. In closing, both Karl and Ari wanted me to thank so many of you for infusing this protest with all the laughably dismissible trappings of clichéd 60's counter-culture. By transforming a potentially persuasive act of mass civil disobedience into a dumb geriatric flower-power circus, you folks made 21st century pacifism look about as appealing to today's kids as a PBS marathon of Lawrence Welk reruns. (Boos.) Yeah, well the truth hurts. At least that's what I'm told. The truth and I have never come into contact directly. Thank you, and God Bless America. » E-MAIL THIS PAGE TO A FELLOW REPUBLICAN « ### << back career opportunities | privacy policy | accessibility | links | reader mail | link to whitehouse.org | web team ©2001-2003 - a chickenhead productions parody - disclaimer & terms Forwarded for your information. 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