-Caveat Lector-
an excerpt from:
Ritual Abuse
Margaret Smith©1993
HarperCollins Publishers
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY 10022
ISBN 0-06-250214-X
213pps — out-of-print
--[3]--
Chapter 3
Therapy for the Survivors
My first therapist taught me to play by the rules. He taught me what to say
and what not to say. He helped me realize that I wasn't half as bad as people
said I was. At the most hopeless point in my life, he was the person who kept
me from killing myself
My next therapist didn't know much about psychological theory. He operated
from one assumption. He said I felt bad all the time because I couldn't
control the people around me. In a way, he was right. I was miserable because
I couldn't control other people. I couldn't make people stop being mean to
me. I decided to give up on therapy.
When I decided it was time to confront my past, I went back into therapy
hoping somebody had the answers that would soothe my pain. I didn't have any
clear memories of the ritual abuse, but I had always known something really,
really awful had happened to me in my childhood. In high school, I used to
have flashbacks where I would feel overwhelmed with panic. I remember crying,
"Oh, my God. Somebody get me out of here! Please, somebody help me! I'm going
to die!" In junior high school, I used to wake up in the middle of the night
literally paralyzed from fear I never had an explanation for any of these
things.
Also, I have been preoccupied with sex since I was five years old. I used to
think I sexually acted out because I was dirty and messed up inside. That
certainly was how I was treated by my parents and teachers when I sexually
acted out. As an adult, I looked back on the sexual things I used to do as a
small child and realized something. I knew more than any five-year-old should
have ever known about sex. I knew about oral sex and intercourse. my
vocabulary was filled with the most graphic terms for genitals and sexual
acts. Where did I learn these things? This realization started a whole new
string of visits to therapists.
MY next therapist wasn't interested in talking about my fears that I was
sexually abused as a child. She told me I hated men. She even told me I liked
to have sex because it made me feel like I had a penis. That was the last
straw. I knew wanting a penis was not my problem. My problem was that I was
miserable, and I wanted to know why.
Then I found a book, The Courage to Heal, a healing guide for sexual abuse
survivors. Reading that book was like reading my life story. I never knew
anyone else in the world felt as lonely and hurt as I felt. I realized I was
not alone. Then the memories of the incest and ritual abuse surfaced. I
started having flashbacks of abuse on a regular basis. My entire life fell
apart. I couldn't keep the feelings down. My entire past was coming to a head.
My therapist at the time was well educated on the topic of sexual abuse. She
was nice, and a great therapist for incest, but she couldn't handle the
ritual abuse. She wasn't comfortable with the intensity Of emotions, and she
was unreliable. I would call her on Friday with an emergency, and wouldn't
hear back from her until Monday. That was not acceptable for me during that
critical time. I decided to move on.
Next I found a woman who knew a great deal about ritual abuse and multiple
personalities. She seemed to be comfortable with all my feelings. She
believed most of what I told her but she couldn't believe certain things
about my abuse that seemed to ruin her picture of the world. She identified
me as the problem. I trusted her with so much of my past, and she stopped
believing me when I needed her the most. I am sure she still believes I was
just 'fantasizing" certain details of the abuse. I terminated the therapy.
Finally, I started to see the woman I am with today. When I first met her I
felt threatened. She was excessively nice-too nice, in my book. She had a
soft, sweet voice. I figured there was something wrong with her I thought she
was denying her own rage.
I took it slowly with her waiting for her to say something abusive. I waited
for her to make a little cutting comment when I felt vulnerable. Nearly all
the therapists I had seen before would make such comments. I thought all
people felt a need to hurt people who were vulnerable. That is practically
all I have seen, both in the cult and in the world. But this woman was to
change my view
Even when she feels angry, she carefully chooses her words to make sure that
she doesn't hurt me. She consistently tells me that her commitment to me in
therapy is to hear my feelings. If she has feelings that come up while we are
together she says it is her responsibility to find out where the feelings are
coming -from inside of her She doesn't blame me for her feelings of
discomfort. She doesn't think I am shameful. I think even if she did think
something mean, she would deal with it without trying to hurt me. This is how
she lives her life. She is a genuinely caring person who truly believes in
the child inside of everyone, the child who wants love.
I have seen God knows how many therapists. I have put up with a lot of
bullshit. Almost everyone I met in my life felt a need to control me. But
this woman just lets me be. I spend our therapy sessions telling her exactly
what I need to say. She doesn't have an agenda. My personalities come up when
they want to say something, and she doesn't label anything. I talk, and she
listens and lets me know that she understands. And when she doesn't
understand, she usually asks me to elaborate. Most of all, she is honest.
I think she really cares about me. Not because I pay her money, but because
the way that she gives has made me be the best person I can possibly be when
I am with her This doesn't mean I say nice things. In fact, I tell her all
the mean things I think and do, and she hears the feelings behind the actions
and acknowledges them and supports me. She always makes me feel heard.
Looking for a good therapist is like looking for a best friend. Don't settle
for a therapist just because he or she claims to be an expert. Don't settle
for a therapist just because he or she says you need to learn how to trust
people. if a therapist is making you feel uncomfortable you might want to
switch therapists. Don't let someone tell you it is "your process issues"
that are making you feel bad about the therapy and that you need to stay
until you see things from his or her perspective. Don't let a therapist tell
you that your discomfort is not justified. Trust your feelings. If you don't
trust your feelings, how will your feelings ever be heard? And if they are
never heard, how will you ever find happiness?
Many people search for that special person who will listen to all their
secrets without judging them. Often we are unable to share all of our
thoughts and feelings with our friends or lovers. Everyone is influenced by
societal expectations to deny certain types of feelings; and often our most
vulnerable feelings are not listened to or judged. In therapy many people
find the needed safety that allows them to share the hidden thoughts they
share with no one else.
Effective therapy for ritual abuse survivors allows them the chance
to finally be heard. It offers survivors a chance to focus on their needs and
wants without having to worry about the reactions of other people. Therapy is
a unique relationship because clients don't have to spend half the session
talking about their therapists' problems at home. The focus is solely on the
feelings and thoughts of the clients.
THERAPEUTIC STAGES
Therapy is a relationship survivors must enter into with caution. For
survivors of ritual abuse, therapy is almost always the first time another
human being has made a commitment to listen to the details of the ritual
abuse. Sometimes survivors tell the truth of their experience only to be
judged or not believed. Sadly, survivors are frequently revictimized by
therapists and other professionals. This makes it very difficult for them to
seek help in the future. However, if survivors are persistent, often they are
able to find therapists who are knowledgeable about ritual abuse. Some
survivors even find therapists who are willing to listen and believe the
entire truth of their ritual abuse experiences.
Most ritual abuse survivors develop MPD as a result of the trauma. The
therapy process described outlines the standard framework for therapy for
ritual abuse survivors with multiple personalities.
Establishing Trust
During the first stage of therapy, therapist and client establish a bond of
trust. If the client is not aware of the multiplicity, the therapist tells
the client of the probability of multiple personalities and allows the client
time to process this new information.
Colin Ross, a well-known authority on MPD, speaks of the importance of
developing trust with the MPD client:
The therapist develops trust by being trustworthy...
It is important to remember that the MPD patient has had her trust in loved
ones violently broken countless times.
She has developed a complicated system of protectors, persecutors, and other
personalities to deal with problems of trust and safety: The total
personality system simply won't accept "caring" statements about how much the
therapist can be trusted.
Ross notes the importance of validating the personalities who do not trust.
He agrees with these personalities that it is smart not to trust all people,
but he also reminds the client that some people can be trusted.[1]
The issues surrounding ritual abuse are complex, and it is important for the
therapist to allow the survivor to decide just who can be trusted. It is not
useful for therapists to suggest that their clients blindly trust them. As in
all relationships, the survivor needs a great deal of time to evaluate and
determine whether the therapist is trustworthy. Survivors of ritual abuse
learned at a very young age not to trust a person just because he or she is
in a position of authority or in a "helping" profession. Many survivors
report having been abused by such individuals.
Developing Communication and Cooperation
During the next stage of therapy, therapists attempt to speak with alter
personalities. They help survivors develop tools to aid in the process of
personality communication and cooperation. Therapists generally attempt to
establish verbal or written commitments with self-destructive, suicidal, or
homicidal personalities before beginning the process of uncovering memories
of abuse. It is essential that therapists learn to communicate effectively
with their MPD clients. Communication between therapists and MPD clients can
be complicated by a number of factors. First, therapists must remember that
clients with MPD do not always know what their other personalities think or
feel. Multiples often contradict themselves inadvertently, confusing their
therapists. Nevertheless, the therapist can address the entire personality
system if important information needs to be communicated to everyone. Second,
it is important to remember that all personalities can hear what the
therapist is saying. Therefore, to slander one personality in the presence of
another would create conflict and pain in the multiple. All personalities
developed for survival purposes, and each still serves a purpose today. The
personalities are an elaborate system that helped survivors live through
extremely painful and traumatic experiences. Therapists need to treat clients
with respect.
Frank Putnam, author of Diagnosis and Treatment of Multiple Personality
Disorder notes a specific type of personality found in most multiple systems
who is capable of facilitating the process of communication between therapist
and client. This personality, often referred to by therapists as an Internal
Self Helper (ISH), is able to communicate the needs, desires, and wishes of
the system as a whole. Therapists have found that establishing trust with
this personality early in therapy aids the process of healing. The ISH Is
often very protective of other personalities; it can serve as an
extraordinary helper, assuring that all personalities are heard and that all
needs are met throughout the process of therapy.[2] Empowering and validating
the reality of all the personalities is also essential throughout the process
of therapy.
Developing communication and cooperation among all personalities is a vital
step in the healing process. The therapist can aid in this process by
pointing out common ground among personalities. When the barriers among the
personalities are softened, they are able to feel closer together.
Communication and cooperation aid in the development of a new understanding,
which results in a greater sense of relief for the survivor. When each
personality is able to have his or her needs met, this ends the battle among
personalities for control of the survivor's behavior.
Once the personalities begin to communicate and cooperate, boundaries among
personalities begin to dissipate. The separate reality of each personality
leaks into the reality of the others. As this happens, survivors become
plagued with memories of abuse and often experience overwhelming suicidal or
homicidal impulses. It is essential to develop both internal and external
safety for ritual abuse clients as they remember the abuse. Most therapists
and clients achieve this through the use of commitments that assure survivors
will not hurt themselves or someone else as the memories surface. Commitments
can be made either among the personalities themselves, or among the
personalities and the therapist. Each survivor is able to decide which type
of commitment is the most useful in his or her individual situation.
Therapy for ritual abuse survivors is often a long and painful process that
involves uncovering horribly traumatic memories. Most survivors experience
these memories during what is referred to in psychological terms as an
abreaction. During an abreaction, survivors feel all the physical sensations
and emotions they had at the time of the abuse. Survivors of ritual abuse
report the same process of abreaction as described with regard to sexual
abuse by Ross:
During an abreaction the child alter may beg the parent to stop, scream, cry,
express intense sadness, or clutch her lower abdomen. There may be hand
movements to push the father out of her vagina or motor movements
accompanying the abreaction of an oral rape. The genuineness and the
intensity of the abreaction is one of the most convincing features of MPD.
For the therapist it is almost like having to watch a real rape, and then
talk with the victim afterwards.[3]
THE MEMORY PROCESS
The memory process described by ritual abuse survivors is remarkably similar
to the memory process described by war veterans and incest survivors. As
people are severely traumatized, the violent memories become frozen in time.
Later, after the danger has ceased, the victims recall the trauma in their
bodies through unidentifiable physical sensations. They may have recurrent
aches in their arms and legs. In the case of sexual abuse, they feel sharp
pains in their vagina or rectum. They may be plagued with visual flashes of
the violence. Most victims experience flashbacks in which their entire bodies
and minds actually react as if they were back in the traumatic moment. The
victims feel all the physical ,sensations and emotions they felt when the
trauma occurred. The violence and pain seem to be happening all over again.
According to the men and women who volunteered for the research project on
which this book is based, the memory process is extremely painful, both
emotionally and physically. Most survivors said the memories surfaced in
fragments. initially, for example, survivors often experience body
memories-physical sensations in their bodies with no current cause. The
sensations experienced during the body memories are literally the body
reliving the pain it felt during the trauma. During or after the body
memories, the emotions emerge that they felt during the attack. Survivors
often see flashes in their minds of abusive episodes that seem related to the
feelings and body memories they are experiencing. As these memory fragments
fall into place, the entire abusive event is then recalled as if the event
was happening at that very moment.
Some survivors report that their alter personalities tell them the memories
of abuse. Sometimes survivors experience feelings related to the abuse, which
they are unable to account for in their daily lives. One ritual abuse
survivor reported having intense sexual feelings associated with violence,
and later feeling baffled that she would ever think such things. This is a
somewhat common experience for ritual abuse survivors: The personality who
felt sexually stimulated learned the association of sex and violence during
the ritual abuse. The other personality was baffled because such feelings are
unacceptable to her and dont feel like her own.
One survivor related that she could stop the physical and emotional pain
experienced during the memory process by letting another personality who
feels no pain take over. Survivors may use this dissociative technique to
help ease the pain when a memory is surfacing in an unsafe environment.
Most survivors say there is an initial object, situation, or sensation—often
referred to by survivors as a trigger-that begins the process of the memory.
According to survivors, if they can identify the trigger, the memory process
is shorter in duration and less painful. One survivor illustrates her process
of memory recovery in great detail:
Getting a memory is not always an unbroken journey from point A to point B,
but the process has taken on a consistency and familiarity that now helps me
(and my support providers) jump in and manage the emergence of information. I
think the process I endure is complicated by several factors: (1) whether or
not I've been exposed to a specific trigger or cue, either deliberately
(communication from a family member) or incidentally; (2) if I am vulnerable
to being overwhelmed by repressed memories because of the time of year or a
full moon; (3) if outside, normal life events are causing me to experience
feelings that are connected to memories of the abuse; or (4) if there has
been specific programming put into me in childhood that is causing me to
react to a life event such as a specific birthday or holiday. if I've been
exposed to a specific trigger, the process feels a little simpler to me,
especially if it has been an incidental trigger and not a deliberately placed
one. Example: I saw a pair of earrings on a woman at a party; I didn't
connect it at the time, but I later realized it was the exact moment I
started feeling "concussed," as if I'd suffered a dizzying blow to the head.
I left the party and went home feeling "fogged out," unconnected, unreal,
distant, forgetful, "crowded:' overwhelmed. (Sometimes I hear from "inside
people' at this time, kids usually, who know something about the event I am
fighting to keep from consciousness.) I then started to feel complete
despair, hopelessness, and futility. I wanted to die. I didn't want to live.
I couldn't live. I thought of my blood running out onto the floor. I felt
anguish, terror, a feeling of unavoidable impending punishment and doom. I
tried to manage the feelings while also attempting to trace back to the
original trigger, and got support from my husband. I finally got the memory,
hours after the party. I held onto my husband and got flooded with feelings
of terror, horror, nausea, and grief. The earrings were tiny ceramic deer
heads (something I had not remembered until then). The memory was about
having to help my father disembowel and dismember a deer in a public restroom
at a national park, and having to make satanic symbols in blood on the walls,
floor and ceiling. I cried and shook and held on, swore I didn't believe any
of it, swore I was "crazy and manipulative," and cried some more. My husband
kept reassuring me, telling me he believed me, reminding me that I was
experiencing intense, uncontrollable emotion, feelings he knew I could not
and would not fake. Once it passed, I felt enormous relief I felt clearheaded
again, and I no longer wanted to die or harm the body. But 1 did feel a lot
of grief and sadness and anger at being used, which required several more
days to work through, and a whole lot more tears.
If the trigger has been deliberately delivered to me (a birthday card from my
father, for example); or if it's a satanic holiday or a full moon; or if I'm
experiencing a lack of confidence or support; if I'm experiencing stress at
work or in my relationship; or if I'm reacting to previously programmed
information, recovering a memory gets a little more complicated. I have a
much harder time "catching the association," and a much more difficult time
believing I am a ritual abuse survivor in the first place. The denial is
excruciating. But there generally is always a transition from being
concussed, and feeling dead or nonexistent, to being flooded with intense
feelings of terror, dread, unbearable shame, self-contempt, anger, and
confusion (all in no particular order). I no longer act out as frequently as
I used to, but the incredible urge to self-mutilate is frequently still
there. I frequently have to struggle with intense suicidal feelings, and
long, horrible bouts of panic. I've learned, though, that all this hoopla,
the suicidal feelings, the panic, the intense self-hatred, the scathing
hostility that too many good and safe people get bar-raged with, the
confusion and hopelessness and despair, are usually just a complicated
"cover-up" for the emerging memory. Once I can get somewhere safe, and
experience the terror as fully as I can stand it (this frequently entails
having to "let go of the body" and "accept the memory from whomever is
holding it"), and get as many details as I can about what actually happened,
and then get supported and comforted and reassured (as well as gently
corrected, if I'm steadfastly insisting that "I deserve to die" or "It was
all my fault"), I typically experience immediate and profound relief. My
"post memory" state can include anything from an incredible feeling of
lightness and relief, to a mind-numbing heavy grief, to a blinding rage at my
perpetrators, but I always feel better-less controlled by outside forces,
less pursued, less off-balance and confused, less crazy.
I should also mention that at varying stages of this process before, during,
and after a memory, I frequently experience intense physical pain: the
sensation of a thin metal wire being inserted into my urethra; the sensation
of pins being pushed in my nipples, the maddening sensation that my ankles or
wrists are tightly bound (Until I figured that one out, I kept insisting, "It
feels like my feet are being cut off." My feet obviously were never cut off,
but if the circulation is impaired, that is in fact the physical sensation);
the feeling of being "torn apart" by a rape, or "being ripped in two"
(feeling a bodily sense of physically being very small); the feeling of being
crushed or confined in a very small cage, or buried (including, on one
occasion, the sensation that my fingernails were torn and bloodied from
scratching uncontrollably on the lid of the coffin); or the sensation that
the tips of my fingers are cut, burned, or crushed. But again, once the
memory becomes more conscious, I always feel some relief, even if it takes a
while to manifest. The ankle memory in particular just about drove me nuts:
night after night after night, I couldn't sleep without tying socks around my
ankles because the sensation of them being cut off was so strong. That one
still comes and goes, but at least I have a context for it now. It is far
worse to be suffering and have no way to process it, no way to explain it or
endure it.
THE FOUR PHASES OF MEMORY RECOVERY
The process of recovering a memory generally goes through four phases. In
phase one, the survivor feels anxious, nauseated, and panicky; in phase two,
fragments of memory return; phase three is abreaction; and phase four is
relief.
Phase One: Anxiety, Nausea, Panic
Many survivors are able to identify certain feelings that let them know a
memory is surfacing. One survivor described this initial sensation "as a
black presence coming over me." Other survivors reported mounting anxiety and
feelings of nausea or fatigue. Some survivors said they felt a strong desire
to revert to addictive behaviors. They wanted to start smoking again or
out-of-control eating. Some individuals started to feel foggy or experienced
irritat-ing headaches. They felt they couldnt think. These feelings are a
glimpse of how survivors felt during the original trauma.
Most of the feelings experienced by survivors as the memory surfaces are body
memories. The body is experiencing what it felt during the abuse, but the
mind is unable to identify why the body is feeling the pain. It is not
uncommon for survivors to experience suicidal feelings or desires to
self-mutilate as the memory surfaces. The pain and anxiety survivors
experience as memories emerge is often so great that suicide seems like the
least painful solution. The suicidal feelings may also be body memories of
how they felt when the abuse was happening. Death might have seemed
comforting to a child being tortured.
A numb, dead feeling may also accompany the suicidal impulses. For example, a
survivor goes into shock during physical trauma, which causes a numb
sensation throughout the body. When the memories return, the survivor
experiences a heavy, numb sensation that creates great discomfort. Inflicting
cuts on his own body may cause enough pain to seem to stop the numb feeling.
However, the numb feeling is a body memory that will reemerge unless the
survivor looks at the source of his feelings. if he can ride the numb feeling
out without cutting his wrists, the entire memory may surface, which results
in freedom from the pain. If he doesn't ride it out, and instead acts on his
urges to self-mutilate, he continues the cycle of pain his abusers caused.
It is extremely important for a ritual abuse survivor to be in a safe
environment as the memories surface. This might be extremely difficult if the
survivor is in an unsupportive relationship or work environment. One of the
most important aspects of healing from such extreme trauma is finding a safe
place. The survivor needs to confront memories in order to recognize and
grieve about losses, and for the past to no longer control the present.
Finding a safe place may be a challenging task. No place feels safe to a
survivor of ritual abuse. That in and of itself is part of the memory. No
place was safe as the abuse was happening. Survivors can call on
nontraumatized personalities (the ones who do not remember the pain and
fear), and personalities who are aware of how the cults work, to help
determine when and where it is safe for memories to emerge.
Because the pain is so intense as the memories surface, survivors must take
certain precautions. if the memory starts to surface while the survivor is
not in a safe place, they might comfort the pain by expressing feelings
through writing or artwork. Sometimes talking about the surfacing feelings
will ease the discomfort. Some survivors use peaceful imagery or
desensitization techniques to distance themselves from the overwhelming
material. Later, when they are in their safe place, they are able to remember
the abuse, with all the feelings it entails.
Having to repress memories as they emerge in unsafe environments is one of
the most difficult aspects of remembering the abuse. In time, however,
survivors find safe places where their feelings are heard. They learn how to
ride out the feelings without taking the pain out on their own bodies.
Phase Two: Uncovering Pieces of the Memory
After survivors are able to get through the initial feelings of anxiety,
panic, and dread, they enter into stage two of the memory process. At this
point, survivors get information or pieces of the memory without fully
reliving the abusive experience. Some survivors see in their minds scenes of
abuse as they encounter the initial trigger emotions. Often they have
nightmares or flashes of abuse in dreams. At this stage in the memory
process, survivors describe different layers of feelings, emotions,
visualizations, and other details about the memory that must be integrated in
order to relive the memory in its entirety. In therapy, survivors attempt to
contact the inner personalities who have more information about the surfacing
memory. Some survivors work with their therapists, going over and over a
specific memory until all emotions, body memories, and visualizations combine
to create a complete memory of an abuse episode.
Most survivors said therapy was their safe place. Therapists generally teach
survivors relaxation exercises to ease the survivors' minds. This allows
personalities who are not usually allowed to speak the opportunity to emerge.
Some therapists use formal hypnosis, although this may not be necessary
because many individuals with MPD are able to self-induce hypnosis. Hypnosis
allows people to enter an altered state. Multiples often are able to move in
and out of altered states with great ease.
Once the client is in a relaxed state, the therapist usually asks questions
about the mental images the client is seeing, or feelings the client might be
experiencing. Often survivors see old abuse scenes or remember the details
surrounding an abuse episode. The therapist then asks such questions as, "How
did you get here? Do you hear any sounds? Who is around you? What are you
feeling?" Often these questions prompt more images, which later result in a
memory of an abuse scene that includes all the feelings and sensations that
accompanied the original incidence of trauma.
During this information-gathering stage of the memory process, it is not
unusual for survivors to struggle with the images and feelings associated
with a variety of abuse memories that share a particular theme. For example,
the theme might be, "Don't tell about the abuse," and the survivor sees
images of herself being tortured as a child. She may also have feelings
associated with a memory as a teenager, when she told a friend at school her
father had molested her and she was ostracized by her peers. Sometimes, if
the common theme of the emerging memories can be identified, it is easier to
process and express the emotions.
As the memory process continues, the images become more solidified and they
combine with emotions and other details of the abuse to create a complete
memory that includes all the feelings and sensations the survivor experienced
at the time of attack. The original images often are the framework for an
entire memory that is remembered, in the same way war veterans remember
trauma on the battlefield. At the final stage of the memory process, survivors
know their memories are true as clearly as they know their own name. They
feel it in every cell of their bodies because they are literally reliving the
experience.
It is important that survivors feel safe as pieces of memories surface. This
is difficult because, as the memory is uncovered, survivors often lose
conscious awareness of their behavior for short periods of time. In order to
assure that all personalities feel safe, therapists and clients often
establish commitments with personalities who may either hurt their own bodies
or their therapists. These violent personalities hold all the suffering and
rage of the client and endure the excruciating pain that has never been
expressed. They need to be treated with respect. This means the violent
personalities need to be allowed the safety of not acting on their feelings,
because doing so could result in further traumatization of the system as a
whole.
Each time a survivor attempts to remember the details of an abuse memory, it
is useful for the therapist or survivor to read a commitment designed to
protect the survivor from hurting herself or others. The following is an
example of a commitment between personalities:
We are going to a very important place now, where you are going to find parts
of yourself you may have thought were no longer with you. In order for this
to happen, your other personalities need to know that all of you can keep
yourselves safe. They need to know that you won't hurt me or yourself. You
have this object [perhaps a stuffed animal] that you can pretend to hurt, but
it is not safe to hurt real people. If you can all agree with this, let's go
further. Is this okay with you?
If the personalities agree with this, the therapist may want to add that an
adult personality will need to come back into the body at a later point in
the therapy session in order for the survivor to get home safely. For
example, after the client agrees to the above commitment, the therapist may
say,
Okay. We have X amount of time to find these personalities and talk with
them. After this time is up, an adult personality needs to know that she or
he will be able to come back into the body to get all of you home safely If
you all can agree with this, let's go further. Is that okay with you?
This statement is necessary to assure that personalities will be able to
function as they leave the office and not feel overwhelmed If the
personalities do not agree with these commitments, then therapist and client
may want to discuss why. Hopefully, they can arrive at compromises that allow
all personalities to have their needs met For example, a personality may not
agree to these commitments because she is afraid the therapist will attack
her if she lets another personality surface. This personality is probably a
child who was attacked countless times and needs to be assured that the
therapist is safe and nonviolent. In the cult, survivors were often tortured
for remembering and telling. A great deal of time may pass before all
personalities feel safe enough to remember details of the abuse.
Phase Three: Abreaction
As therapists and survivors continue to explore pieces of the memory-and as
survivors more clearly recall the details of the abuse-survivors enter stage
three of the memory process. In this stage, survivors recall the abuse as if
it was happening right in that moment. As they feel all the emotions and see
the images of abuse, they recognize that this is not the first time they have
experienced these feelings and physical sensations. They know they are
remembering events that actually occurred years ago. Finding out the truth of
their past is the answer to all the unidentifiable pain they have experienced
their entire lives.
Therapists call this third stage of the process an abreaction. Survivors who
experience abreactions feel as if they are right there, and the abuse is
happening all over again. Here's how one survivor describes the process:
When an alter has a memory, it is in flashbacks. We are back at that moment
in time. We can see the people involved clearly; we can feel them, smell
them, taste them, and hear them. We were able to stop our feelings from
showing by locking the pain inside. Our body moves as though someone is
hurting it. If we are involved in a rape, the body is pushed as though
someone is on top of us having intercourse. The breath is knocked out of us.
The whole body stiffens in defense. Sometimes there is spontaneous bleeding.
There is intense fear. Now that the child alters trust the therapists, they
can tell them what's happening and cry and ask for help, something they never
did when it really happened.
Nearly all the survivors in this study report a similar memory process. Often
survivors find validation for the images they see during the memory of abuse.
One survivor in this study said that after an abreaction, she found a scar
she had never noticed before in the same place from which the pain was coming
during the abreaction. Another survivor said she started to hemorrhage in the
middle of the memory. The memories of some survivors are verified by other
people who were abused at the same place and time. Some survivors visit the
location of the abuse scene they saw in their memory and find it to be
identical to the image they saw in their memory.
Phase Four: Relief
After an abreaction, survivors report feelings of relief. The struggle to
stop the pain is diminished. They confronted the pain, and it passed.
Survivors said they felt tremendous relief as they "let go of control of
their bodies" and allowed the personalities that held the memories to emerge.
Memories become easier to process as survivors are able to make the
association between the trigger, the overwhelming feelings, and the surfacing
of a ritual abuse memory. When they do not realize a memory is surfacing,
they are unable to identify why they are feeling such powerful emotions.
Their emotions feel out of their control.
Throughout the healing process, it is essential for survivors to be aware of
their child personalities who are suffering and need to be heard. Nurturing
these children is an important part of the healing process. Letting these
little children play or do something they deem enjoyable helps to remind
survivors that there is more than just the pain of the memories. If survivors
do not know what the child personalities want, it is useful to ask. If there
is no answer the first time, just keep trying. It may take a while to find
the personalities who feel safe enough to search for fun.
Reparenting the inner children allows survivors the opportunity to take
control of their lives. Since most multiples were abused by their parents,
child personalities only know about unfair and cruel parents. These child
personalities now have a chance to be reparented by the most kind and fair
personalities in the multiple system. These children are able to have their
needs heard. They are respected. These inner children give survivors the
lives rooted in their hearts that they thought were lost forever. Reparenting
the inner children is about being the best parent you can possibly be to
yourself.
For survivors, the most rewarding part of healing is developing a
relationship with themselves. They learn to understand the feelings and
behavior of alter personalities. Supporting these alter personalities may be
difficult at times, but eventually all personalities are able to have a
voice. They are finally heard. Allowing certain personalities to speak may
cause a great deal of anxiety in survivors, as they hear the contradictions
in their thoughts and behavior. Core beliefs of certain personalities are
questioned by other personalities. In time, however, survivors develop
compassion for each personality. Personalities are respected. They are
allowed to change their minds and make mistakes. In the end, everyone is
recognized and heard.
USING MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES TO HEAL FROM RITUAL ABUSE
Multiple personalities is not only a creative way to survive a childhood
which was awful, but it's also a very creative way to heal. And I think if
you use multiplicity as part of your healing process and work with it rather
than against it, then you can actually experience multiplicity as a healing
thing.
M. M., Healing Hearts[4]
Multiplicity originally enabled survivors of ritual abuse to live through
highly traumatic situations. Multiplicity also offers gifts for survivors as
they heal from the abuse. Survivors remember many memories of severe trauma
with the same intensity of feeling they experienced at the time of the abuse.
By working with the multiplicity, adult survivors recover these memories at a
pace that doesn't overwhelm them. Multiples can also learn to develop
internal support that helps them survive this painful process.
A Word to the Survivor: Multiple to Multiple
A wonderful thing happens as you take the time and energy to meet and speak
with inner personalities. You start to see your own innocence and feel the
feelings you were never allowed to express. You find the parts of yourself
that are sweet and the parts that are powerful. All of your parts make up an
incredibly unique, creative individual who did everything in her or his power
to survive. You start to see your own uniqueness and feel warmth and
compassion toward yourself. You may even fall in love with yourself, which is
a remarkable experience when you realize that all these cute, lovable,
powerful things inside of you are really you.
As you discover alter personalities, it may prove useful to keep some sort of
a map that outlines relationships between personalities and the
characteristics of each that you believe are important. Be creative. It is
your system, and you know best how to express what needs to be said. Allow
the personalities to speak, and feel them. Let them communicate with you.
Communication allows personalities to talk to each other about what they
think, believe, and feel. Some techniques you can use to communicate with
personalities include journaling and allowing parts to write back and forth;
coloring or drawing the memories or images personalities want to share; or
actual communication within the mind that allows parts to engage in
discussions. There are many ways to communicate with alter personalities. You
may find that communication already exists between personalities, but you
were not consciously aware of it. It is essential to find the most
comfortable form of communication for each personality. Systems can be very
intricate and specialized. Some say that there are as many different multiple
systems as there are multiples. Trust what feels right to you.
Here are some questions that may prove useful as you meet each alter
personality:
o What is your name? (not all personalities will have names)
o How old are you?
o When were you born?
o Why were you born?
o What needs of the overall system did you meet at the time you were born?
o What needs do you meet now?
o What happened before and after your birth?
o How do you feel about yourself? About other parts in the system?
o What do you know about our life and what happened to us?
o Who else do you know or talk to in the system?
o What do you need from the rest of the system?
o How do you feel about the outside world?
o What can we do to help you? to make you feel safe?
o Do you perceive yourself as related to any other personalities?
o What do you look like?
o What do you hate?
o What do you love?
o Is there anything important that you need to tell me?
It may be particularly frightening to begin communication with certain
personalities, if you know that what they will share may hurt you. These
personalities may hold painful memories. They may resent you or may be angry
at you. They may want to hurt someone you love. Nevertheless, these
personalities are altered states of yourself that have been extremely abused
and need the support, love, and understanding you never received. Take it
slowly, and do the best you can. You may be able to make deals with them. If
you can't communicate with a personality because you need to do something
else at that time, try to explain why the job that needs to be done is
important. You may even realize that what you thought was important can wait,
and you can now take a little time out and listen to what is going on inside.
Generally, if you treat personalities with respect, they will be respectful
in return.
The group as a whole may want to design guidelines that enable each other to
be heard. You can have family meetings each night to discuss the hardships of
the day or to decide what you need to do tomorrow and who is going to do it.
This may feel uncomfortable initially, but it is remarkable how much anxiety
is released once you acknowledge alter personalities. This makes sense once
you consider that these personalities are altered states of yourself; they
influence you and they are with you at every moment.
The system can assign different personalities to different jobs to make each
day run more smoothly. Find out what each personality likes to do. You can
view the system as a large family or commune-helper personalities meet
responsibilities and get work done, nurturer personalities hold babies who
are crying and in severe pain. Babies may also like to be with protector
personalities, who can hold their hands or give them tough-guy lessons. It is
important to remember that each personality has something to offer another
personality and the system as a whole. The trick is to find out what that is,
and to make up for lost time. The process is unique to each multiple system,
and I encourage survivors to use the cooperation tactics that work best for
them.
Personalities may be hostile and angry if they have been ignored for most of
your life. If other parts hated them or were ashamed of them, they may feel
resentful and not want to take part in any process that may help all of you.
At such times, it is important to remember the enormity and the injustice of
your ritual abuse experience. Many, many times, these personalities are
right. You are right. Give the personalities all the things that were never
given to you. They were violently violated, and they need someone-they need
you-to understand. In time, you will feel closer to your personalities. As
you start using tools to develop cooperation within the system, you will feel
better each day. You may even stop perceiving differences between them and
you. Your beliefs and their beliefs are the same. You feel what they feel.
The congruency in thought and emotion is miraculous.
Meeting personalities and uncovering memories requires an intense commitment
to listening and understanding all parts in the multiple system.
Personalities often hold all the horrible, awful feelings you were never
allowed to feel as a child, and they bum with pain as a result of it. For
this reason, as the memories and feelings surface, it is ideal to have
supportive individuals around you to help you reach into the depths of your
pain; outside people who are able to listen to what your parts need to say
and are not afraid of them or their experiences. This may be the most
difficult part of recovery-finding people with whom your personalities feel
safe; people who will listen to all of your experiences without attempting to
discount or minimize your feelings. This frustration and lack of support may
justifiably cause you to be sensitive to other peoples controlling behaviors
to minimize your pain and experience. You may also become furious at society
for its mistreatment of victims. You may feel isolated in your suffering. But
you are not alone. Remember, other survivors are out here right now, going
through the same process. Keep looking until you find someone outside of
yourself who can hear the truth and be there for you.
Overcoming Self-Destructive Impulses
It is not uncommon for survivors to experience extreme selfdestructive and
homicidal impulses as memories surface. At this time, it is important to
remember that you are not to blame for what happened, and you deserve to
remember and recover your own life. You are experiencing normal reactions to
a very abnormal, abusive experience. Being reminded of your own worth may
help lessen the drive to act on these self-destructive feelings. Sometimes it
is because of a surfacing memory that you are experiencing such moments of
depression and self-destruction. Ride the feelings out. Don't give in and
hurt your own body. You've already come this far. Things are going to change.
Remember, you are not to blame for what happened to you, and you deserve to
remember the abuse and heal.
The Rewards of Healing
Healing from ritual abuse is about learning to live with what happened to
you. it requires you to feel the feelings people never allowed you to
express. In order for you to find out your true feelings, you must listen to
your alter personalities. As you communicate and cooperate with your
personalities, their distinctiveness will become less apparent. In time,
personalities may no longer be separate from the person you are in your daily
life, a process called integration. When you integrate, you know what your
personalities think and feel without having to ask.
It is my opinion that integration is not a goal of healing, but rather the
result of it. In fact, maintaining integration as a goal may actually hinder
healing if it encourages certain personalities to remain silent in order to
please other personalities or their therapist.
The healing process is not as simple as regurgitating memories over a finite
number of years. What you have now is the chance to learn more about yourself
and to reach inside and find a rich, whole world that can give you back your
life. Memories are only part of the process. Discovering what is really
important to you, and finding your strengths and your own place in this
world, are only some of the rewards you receive for undertaking the long and
hard process of healing. Even though the new communication between alters is
usually accompanied by horrible childhood abuse memories, multiples have a
unique opportunity to act as a support system and nurturer for themselves.
Personalities can help one another, hold one another, and work in their
internal environment to create a world inside that feels comfortable and
supportive to everyone. The process may appear long and tedious, but the
rewards are well worth it.
pps. 51-73
--[NOTES]--
1. Colin Ross, Multiple Personality Disorder: Diagnosis, Clinical Features,
and
Treatment (New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1989), 220.
2. Frank Putnam, Diagnosis and Treatment of Multiple Personality Disorder
(New York: The Guilford Press, 1989), 203.
3. Ross, Multiple Personality Disorder, 113.
4. Cooperation Versus integration (1989) and Maintaining Functioning
and Avoiding Collapse During Recovery (1989). Videocassettes
avail-able through Healing Hearts (1989) (see Resources).
--[cont]--
Aloha, He'Ping,
Om, Shalom, Salaam.
Em Hotep, Peace Be,
Omnia Bona Bonis,
All My Relations.
Adieu, Adios, Aloha.
Amen.
Roads End
Kris
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