-Caveat Lector- This story is dedicated to the memory of the late Doc Barry, Affectionately A.K.A., Tonto Goldberg (May he live in Eternal Bliss) ----- Dear Lord, Please Help Me Be The Person My Dogs Think I Am. ----- ON Memorial Day In 1981 . . . . . .I was sitting on a South West Air commuter plane that was boarding. . .the plane home to Chicago. Suddenly, I saw the most beautiful woman coming down the isle toward me. I figured she had to be a model or a movie star. Absolutely gorgeous. She walked slowly up the aisle, and finally sat IN THE SEAT NEXT TO ME! I tried to control myself, as this absolutely stunning woman smiled at me, crossed her legs, and made herself comfortable. I pretended to be interested in the magazine in my hands, but my heart was pounding and I was starting to sweat. She smiled at me when our eyes met as I glanced up from my magazine. I'll never forget what she said. "I suppose we'll soon be getting a bag of peanuts." I was elated that this lovely woman had broken the ice. SHE WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO ME! In a muffled tone I replied, "Yes, the flight attendant should be by with our in-flight meal-in-a-bag, and drinks as soon as the seat belt light goes off (and, MAN, did I need a few of the LATTER!)." She not only looked great, the scent of her, her perfume was intoxicating! I was desperate to start a conversation, but, I was so taken with her beauty --truly the magnitude of which, in my life, I had never before seen-- well, I couldn't even think straight, let alone engauge in intelligent dialogue. It was really rather pitiful. Here I was, a 24 year old man, totally tongue tide like a little kid. . .SAD, to put it mildly. Somehow, I finally got up the courage to blurt out, "Do you live in Chicago?" "No", she replied, "I'm heading there for 'The American Psychiatric Association's Annual Conference on Female Sexual Addiction Syndrome,' you know, formerly referred to as Nymphomania." I LITERALLY DROPPED MY MAGAZINE. Actually, it kinda flew outta my hands. Looking back, I think the plane bounced up violently due to turbulent air, or maybe I might have inadvertently thrown the stinking thing a little:( Either way, she laughed! "Are you kidding," I asked? She looked right at me smiling and said, "Sounds funny, huh? But, no, I'm quite serious. In fact, I'm Co-chairperson this year and I will even be presenting the results of my own research." She went right on, "You'd be amazed how serious and wide spread this disorder really is. We have experts and sufferers coming in from all over the world to speak and participate, it's really quite a highly respected conference. . . In fact, we're told it's one of the largest conferences to be held at the McCormick Convention Center in Chicago this year." Needless to say, I was not thinking straight at this particular juncture in time. Hell, at this point I was truly contemplating the possibility that I must have been dreaming, or that someone somehow slipped drugs into that airport bar drink I had a bit earlier. I remember even seriously entertaining a thought or two about somehow being unknowingly transported into some wonderful parallel universe, or something. . .maybe Twilight Zone Heaven? At any rate, I somehow managed a quick reply. Trying with all my might to be somewhat sober-looking, I asked, "What aspects of the disorder do your research efforts involve?" She came right back, "Well, actually, my presentation is called 'Nymphomania: Common False-hoods, Myths, and Misconceptions,' and I go into some of the most common misunderstandings that many medical professionals, sufferers, and lay persons, have regarding and relating to this horribly insidious disease." "Like," she said, "one interesting thing I found in my research. . . .you know how most ppl think that the most genitally endowed males are of the black race?" Oh, MAN! I could not comprehend that this was REALLY happening! She continued without hesitation, "Well, my research, as well as my personal experience regarding this, definitely reveals that this is an old wives tale, a myth." She went on, "In fact, Native American Indian men significantly stand out in this category." I mean, REALLY! Like what the hell was I supposed to reply to THAT?? Well, not knowing if she expected me to reply, or for that matter, how to reply if she did expect a response, I proceeded to just sit there, TOTALLY FROZEN, AND AT A TOTAL LOSS FOR WORDS, hearing my heart pounding IN FEAR, for what seemed then AND NOW like several minutes! And, she just calmly sat looking directly into my eyes, serious as a heart attack, apparently waiting for me to reply! Well, after what seemed an eternity, I did the only thing I could have without remaining frozen and stupid. I still find this part unbelievable to this day. . .in fact, I seem to have truly blocked this part totally out of my mind until I had a dream recreating the ENTIRE conversation about 5 years ago, i.e., SELECTIVE MEMORY or something. . .you know, where you get Amnesia and block out certain parts of HORRIBLE memories? Y'know what I'm sayin'? Believe it or not, I reflexively went back to my magazine!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!? After several seconds of regrouping DESPERATELY, I looked up at her, she still looking at me, and asked, "What else will be taken up at your convention?" I guess it could have been worse, cuz again, she didn't miss a beat. "Well," she said, "as far as my own research findings are concerned, another common myth I realized in the course of my research, one that I also mention in my talk, is that French men are the greatest lovers." She continued adamantly, and seemingly slightly annoyed, "This, too, is just pure myth." She said, "As it turns out, the overwhelming consensus among the hundreds of Female Sexual Addiction sufferers that I personally interviewed, woman from all over the world, and my research demonstrates conclusively and incontrovertibly that this IS true, is that Jewish men are the best lovers." I replied, this time keeping right in character. . .the character of total dumb ass, "Wow, no kidding, that really IS interesting!" I immediately threw in, "And, surprisingly unexpected, too." Then she added, "Hey, here we've been chatting away about my interests and research, and we haven't even really met." She said, "My name is Dr. Linda Philanderess, but please. . .my friends call me Lynn." Still in character, and TOTALLY without thinking, I immediately replied, "It is a real pleasure to meet you, Lynn. . .please call me Mike, but my real name is Geronimo Horowitz." BEYOND BELIEF? I know, but... :) [Ladies, for your information, my Father's family is Orthodox Jew, and my Great Grandfather on my Mother's side was full Cherokee. . .and, my Mom always said that physically, I take after the latter!] Happy Memorial Day And, let's give thanks today for all of the men and women that worked and fought and died in American wars past, and pray for those risking their lives for us currently. ================================================================= Kaddish, Kaddish, Kaddish, YHVH, TZEVAOT FROM THE DESK OF: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> *Mike Spitzer* <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> ~~~~~~~~ <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> The Best Way To Destroy Enemies Is To Change Them To Friends Shalom, A Salaam Aleikum, and to all, A Good Day. ================================================================= DECLARATION & DISCLAIMER ========== CTRL is a discussion and informational exchange list. Proselyzting propagandic screeds are not allowed. Substance—not soapboxing! 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