-Caveat Lector- > NEWS FLASH!! > > "FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN," Say Experts. > > WASHINGTON, DC--Citing years of frustration over their advice being > misunderstood, misrepresented or simply ignored, America's foremost > experts > in every field collectively tendered their resignation Monday. > > "Despite all our efforts to advise this nation, America still throws > out its > recyclables, keeps its guns in unlocked cabinets where children have > easy > access, eats three times as much red meat as is recommended, watches > seven > hours of TV per day, swims less than 10 minutes after eating, and > leaves > halogen lights on while unattended," said Dr. Simon Peavy, > vice-president of > the National Association of Experts. "Since you don't seem to care > about > things you don't understand, screw you. We quit." > > "My final piece of expert advice," Peavy added, "is that all of you > people > should just go f*** yourselves." > > Michael Leland, until recently a Department of Energy advisor > specializing > in planetary energy-use infrastructures and a leading expert in > petrochemical and fossil-fuel depletion, maintained that the experts' > mass > resignation is justified. "Last year, I testified before Congress that > at > the current rate of consumption, the planet's supply of coal, natural > gas > and oil would be gone within 40 years, and they looked at me as if I > was > some sort of crackpot," Leland said. "What's the point?" > > "We'll say it one last time before we pack up and go: In 20 years, > you'll be > up to your asses in old folks," a written statement from the National > Advisory Council On Aging read in part. "Since America has not yet > begun > making preparations for the explosion in its senior population, we > recommend > that you begin research on federally funded, hydroelectrically powered > 'eldercution camps,' where the teeming hordes of the aged can be > disposed of > quickly and painlessly." > > According to Peavy, despite the vast amounts of scientifically proven > and > historically sound advice provided by the nation's experts, the > National > Association of Experts could cite no instances of advice being > followed in > the manner they had intended. "Public reaction was favorable to the > news > that a glass of wine a day can help prevent heart attacks," Peavy > said. "Of > course, most people figured that eight glasses of wine a day must be > better > than one. And many Americans reacted well to the news that eggs > probably > wouldn't kill them outright. Aside from that, they've pretty much > ignored > every word we've ever said concerning just about everything." > > Because the experts' advice was barely followed, the mass resignation > is > expected to have little impact on the lives of most Americans. > > "Go ahead, America," Peavy said. "You don't need us. Watch all the > topsoil > go down the Mississippi. Transport your children in baskets on top of > your > SUV deathmobiles. Keep playing with your cute and cuddly pal, the > atom. > Press your nose against the TV screen for even more educational 3rd > Rock > From The Sun enjoyment. Use plentiful gasoline to burn book-readers at > the > stake. Don't eat anything but sugared pork lard. Do whatever you > want." > > Despite its negligible impact on the population at large, the sudden > dearth > of experts is expected to be devastating for the American media, > particularly TV newsmagazines, which have come to heavily rely on > experts > for their incisive, time-filling punditry. > > "How in the world are we supposed to do a story on how the Internet is > changing the face of Christianity without Internet and Christianity > experts?" said Dateline NBC executive producer Russell Ross. "How can > we > report on the stress-relieving impact of whale songs without top > psychotherapists and marine biologists to offer their perspective? > Without > the insight of professors and best-selling authors, a TV special > report has > no credibility. It may well mean the end of American telejournalism as > we > know it." > > According to FDA spokesperson Jonathan Landau, the exiting advisors > will be > missed, but the nation must move forward. "We, of course, are deeply > saddened to lose America's most knowledgeable individuals in every > field," > Landau said. "But at the same time, it's important to recognize that > their > advice, however well-informed or well-intentioned, was almost always > impractical." END DECLARATION & DISCLAIMER ========== CTRL is a discussion and informational exchange list. Proselyzting propagandic screeds are not allowed. Substance—not soapboxing! These are sordid matters and 'conspiracy theory', with its many half-truths, misdirections and outright frauds is used politically by different groups with major and minor effects spread throughout the spectrum of time and thought. That being said, CTRL gives no endorsement to the validity of posts, and always suggests to readers; be wary of what you read. CTRL gives no credeence to Holocaust denial and nazi's need not apply. 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