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What is the name of the case, couldn't
find it at the onion.
Thanks.
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Sunday, October 24, 1999 11:49
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Subject: [CTRL] Laugh till you cry.
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The Onion
http://www.theonion.com
WASHINGTON, DC--In a historic decision with major
implications for the
future of U.S. participatory democracy, the Supreme
Court ruled 8-1 Monday
that the American people are unfit to
govern.
The controversial
decision, the first of its kind in
the 210-year history of U.S.
representative government, was, according
to Justice David Souter, "a
response to the clear, demonstrable
incompetence and indifference of the
current U.S. citizenry in matters
concerning the operation of this nation's
government."
As a result of the ruling, the
American people will no
longer retain the power to choose their own
federal, state and local
officials or vote on matters of concern to the
public.
"This decision was by no means easy,
but it unfortunately
had to be done," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who
penned the majority
decision in the case. "The U.S. Constitution is very
clear: In the event
that the voting public becomes incapacitated or
otherwise unfit to carry
out its duties of self-governance, there is a
danger posed to the
republic, and the judicial branch is empowered to
remove said public and
replace it with a populace more qualified to
lead."
"In light of their unmitigated apathy
toward issues of
import to the nation's welfare and their inability to
grasp even the
most basic principles upon which participatory democracy is
built, we
found no choice but to rule the American people unfit to govern
at this
time," Scalia concluded.
The
controversial ruling, court members stressed, is not
intended as a slight
against the character of the American people, but
merely a necessary
measure for the public good.
"The public's
right to the best possible representation is a
founding principle of our
nation," Justice Sandra Day O'Connor told
reporters. "If you were on a jet
airliner, you wouldn't want an
untrained, incompetent pilot at the
controls, and this is the same
thing. As federal justices, we have taken a
solemn oath to uphold every
citizen's constitutional rights, and if we were
to permit an
irresponsible, disinterested public to continue to helm the
ship of
state, we would be remiss in our duties and putting the entire
nation at
risk."
The ruling brings to an
end a grueling 10-month process,
during which more than 100 Supreme Court
hearings were held to determine
the public's capacity for self-governance.
Despite the fact that these
hearings were aired on C-SPAN, a majority of
U.S. citizens were unaware
of them because coverage was largely eclipsed by
the Clinton-Lewinsky
scandal, the retirement of NBA legend Michael Jordan,
and the release of
Titanic on home video.
The Supreme Court found that, though 78 percent of U.S.
citizens have seen
the much-anticipated Star Wars prequel trailer, only
one in 200,000 were
aware that the multibillion-dollar "Star Wars"
missile-defense system had
been approved by Congress. Additionally,
while 62 percent of citizens
correctly identified the cast of Suddenly
Susan, only .01 percent were able
to identify Attorney General Janet
Reno beyond "some woman Jay Leno always
says looks like a man." Further,
only .0003 percent could correctly
identify the ancient Greek city-state
of Athens as the birthplace of the
concept of an educated citizenry
participating in democratic
self-rule.
Above: Just some of the millions of empty voting booths
that can be
seen across America each
November. But the final
straw,
Supreme Court justices said, came last week when none of the
500,000
random citizens polled were aware that Russian President Boris
Yeltsin
had threatened global thermonuclear war in response to NATO air
attacks
in Yugoslavia.
"I mean, come on,"
Justice William Rehnquist said. "Global
thermonuclear war? It's just
ridiculous. There was just no way we could
trust such a populace to keep
running things after that."
Populations
currently being considered to fill the
leadership void until the American
people can be rehabilitated and
returned to self-governance include those
of Switzerland, Sweden and
Canada.
"I'm
willing to do what I can to help out in this time of
crisis and make sure
that my vote counts," said Stockholm resident Per
Johanssen. "I've been
reading up on America a bit, just to get a general
idea of what needs to be
done, and from what I can tell, they really
need some sort of broad-based
health-care reform over there right away."
In a provisional test of the new system, the Canadian
province of
Saskatchewan will hold primaries next Tuesday to re-evaluate
last fall's
gubernatorial election in Minnesota.
The
lone dissenting vote came from Justice Anthony Kennedy,
who, in his
minority opinion wrote, "Although the American people are
clearly unable to
make responsible decisions at this time, it is not
their fault that they
are so uninformed. Rather, the blame lies with the
media interests and
corporate powers that intentionally keep them in the
dark on crucial
issues."
Kennedy concluded his opinion by
tendering his immediate
resignation and announcing his intent "to move to a
small island
somewhere."
Thus far,
reaction to the ruling has been
largely
indifferent.
"The people ruled
unfit to govern? Yeah, I I think I
might've heard something about that,"
said Covington, KY, sales
representative Neil Chester. "I think I saw it on
the news or something,
when I was flipping past trying to find that show
about the lady
sheriff."
"If you ask me,
voting was a big pain anyway," agreed mother
of four Sally Heim of Augusta,
ME. "At least now I'm free to do my
soap-opera-trivia crossword puzzles in
peace, without all that
distraction about who's running for Second District
Alderperson and
what-not."
Despite the
enormous impact the ruling would seem to have,
many political experts are
downplaying its significance.
"It doesn't
really change anything, to be honest," said Duke
University
political-science professor Benjamin St. James. "The public
hasn't made any
real contributions to the governance of the country in
decades, so I don't
see how this ruling affects all that much."
"I wouldn't worry about it," St. James added. "It's not
that
important."
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