From: "bigpit" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy,alt.fan.rawilson
Subject: conspiracy tips
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2000 22:04:22 +0100
Organization: GXSN
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1 - to ensure credibility among other hobbyists, you must have a
four letter acronym for it that you can toss in to your message.
Don't skimp on hyphens, either. A really good acronym will link
at least two opposing forces. Ante-Rasta-Semitic Empire , Presby-
terian Underground Tapir Zoo, and Kellogg's Necro-Orthodox
Bungalow don't do this. Assume people know who you mean until
specifically asked by someone. Jot down their name.
2 - illicit connections between government, private, religious,
business or criminal organisations form a significant part
of any well formed conspiracy.
It is no surprise then that these connections are shrouded in
mystery. You just have to use what's available. Luckily you don't
need too much to work with - two people from two separate
organisations or groups being in the same town on the same day,
week, or indeed at any time, or two different towns with similar
names, latitudes, longitudes or sports stadiums is all the proof you
need of 'something fishy going on'.
3 - further to tip 2 - every organisation involved in a conspiracy
has a secret organisation within it, which probably contains
further subgroups, who knows? These are known as 'star chambers',
'working parties'.or 'tea clubs' - So any meeting by any member
of any organisation with any other member of the same
organisation is also significant. Remember those names and dates,
people!
4 - avoid so called 'hard' evidence - this may be planted as
disinformation by the conspiracy - if this evidence is brought
to light you can be sure that whoever gets arrested, caught,
shot or killed is an innocent 'patsy', and you don't want that
on your conscience.
5 - lack of any evidence to support your theory other than 'small
hours' conjecture is almost certain proof that you are close to
the truth. Only a highly organised group of conspirators would
have the power to totally eradicate any trace of your raving's
veracity.
6 - on no account try to pierce the veil of KNOB, PUTZ or ARSE by
approaching the 'front' desk of one of your hated pet groups.
It's not called a 'front' desk for nothing. These are
professionals who are dedicated to whatever it is you are
suggesting they are up to and once you reveal yourself to them
you are finished. Car seat a bit lumpy? Burning sensation in the
groin? You should never have staggered drunk into the lobby of
the American Express building mumbling 'leave my ears alone you
bastards' to the receptionist, the security guard manhandling
you into the street as you check your flies for the third time
in tem minutes.
7 - never telephone anyone who might put you on hold. There's no
good reason to sit with an electro-magnet controlled by
SPECULUM up against your head for half an hour.
8 - OdD CApitaliSAtion seems pathetic to most - but UNIX (four
letters!! Accident?) is case sensitive, or so I'm told, so
stick with it just in 'case'.
9 - if you see, hear, or learn of anything that seems to point to
the conspiracy, you were supposed to.
10 - numbers are key. Dates, ages, addresses, invoice numbers, test
scores, might be clues revealed by members of the conspiracy
who wish for some reason to betray their colleagues. Are you
going to trust someone who swears a bloody oath with his or
her trousers spattered with holy water while the High Dragon
rubs the serene book of truth on his head in accordance with
the age old rituals, and then spills the beans? A bastard
like that?
11 - we count in decimal, lists are often ten this, ten that,
because we have ten fingers, we are told in school. But two
of these 'fingers' are thumbs. If you walked up to someone
in the street, showed them your thumb and said 'look at my
finger' they would walk around you as if you were some kind
of casualty. If they thought you said 'pull my finger' in
which case they would think you were some kind of adolescent
prankster or jape monkey hula.
12 - so why aren't bananas straight? Cucumbers can mostly manage it,
mostly.
13 - my car parking space is number 13. I don't have a car, so
somebody else parks there.
14 - if you need 14 tips you will never uncover any kind of
conspiracy, you loser.
15 - never ignore information you are told is irrelevant, pointless
or wrong, even if called a loser.
16 - no one will take you seriously if at least one in four of your
posts isn't absurdly long.
17 - the person who gave me this list said one of these tips is the
absolute and unvarnished truth.
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