MAN CATCHES COMPUTER VIRUS!Bizarre illness jamming up his brain waves! Caption: SICK COMPUTER passed on a bizarre virus to programmer John Stevens, above, after it became ill from an infected software program. By Michael Todd, Special Correspondent, {Weekly World News}, 18 June 1991 John Stevens has a lot in common with his home computer: Both think logically, both like numbers and both are sick with a virus - the same virus! Stevens, a computer programmer who works out of his home in a Philadelphia suburb, is convinced his lingering and debilitating illness is something he got >from his sick computer. And the victim's doctor agrees. "I've run every test I can think of to trace the origin of his illness," said Dr. Mark Fordland. "He has a virus, but it's not like any virus I've ever seen." Stevens, 32, said his computer began to show signs of a virus - a software program designed to eat up an destroy other software data - about a week before he got sick. "I was careless about borrowing software programs from other people I didn't know well," Stevens admits. Dr. Fordland, himself a computer expert, agrees. "Borrowing software programs from friends and strangers is like having sex with someone you don't know well. When you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they've ever slept with. When you borrow someone's software program, you're connected to everyone who's ever used that program." Dr. Fordland concludes that Stevens' symptoms are identical to that of a software virus' attack on a computer. "Stevens has become forgetful, like something is eating up his memory, his data. He has less and less energy. He can't hold onto thoughts. Even an EEG (electroencephalogram) of his brain waves keeps changing. It's becoming more and more erratic. "This virus could just eat him up until his mind is a blank and he's like a vegetable," the doctor said. Here's an easy game to play. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, You can't say this? What a shame, sir! If the label on the cable on the table at your house When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electonic microorganism." OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are overpaying for the AT&T virus. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Print "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. The virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense." JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS: Only attacks minor files. RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it. . Have you had enough?! Here's just a couple more I found on the net. This should do it,folks! So, lend me your attention for a couple more minutes, o'k? . Here's an activity you and your family might enjoy together. It's called "The Family Stress Test". . Family Stress Test Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true. 1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 3. ____ The cat is on Valium. 4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf. 6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 7. ____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners. 8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. 10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Scoring: 30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood! 20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up. 10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way t o go. Have you considered a parallel career path? 0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway? .
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