http://www.satirewire.com/news/0103/usfirst.shtml
U.S. SUSPECTS WORLD NOT PUTTING U.S. INTERESTS FIRST
International Community Denies Charges, Insist They Mean "U.S." When They Say
"World"
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — In a stinging accusation, the U.S. today
charged other nations with taking a narrow-minded "world view" and
deliberately failing to consider U.S. economic interests above individual
international concerns. World leaders immediately denied the charges, calling
the U.S. allegations, "paranoid delusions of non-grandeur."
"They can deny it, but from carbon dioxide emissions to Internet privacy
standards, these internationals appear to be taking a rather myopic 'world
view,' instead of stepping back and looking at the broader American economic
view," said U.S President George W. Bush. "These people have to recognize
that there is an entire United States community out there beyond their
borders."
If this troubling trend continues, Bush warned, the United States will be
forced to "take its ball and go home." Asked exactly what ball he was
referring to, Bush replied: "It's big and blue and we all live on it."
While evidence supporting the allegations appears to be damning, world
leaders insisted the United States has misunderstood. On the tiny Pacific
atoll of Kiribati, which is threatened by rising seas, government official
Baranika Etuati insisted his recent remark to Reuters that, 'It is a terrible
economic problem, it is our very survival," referred to U.S. economy. "What
else would I be referring to?" he asked bewilderingly.
British Environment Minister Michael Meacher, meanwhile, said the
idea that Europe would not consider the U.S. economy above all was absurd.
"Naturally, when we want to protect consumers or deal with the environment or
stop wars, we first ask ourselves, 'How will our decisions impact suffering
American business interests?'"
U.S. officials, however, greeted those comments with suspicion, noting that
few world leaders' public comments mention this consideration.
"That's because it's a given," replied Japanese Prime Minister Yoshiro Mori.
"It's like when you love someone. You don't always have to say it. You just
know."
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WHITE HOUSE EVIDENCE:
· International politicians and the media have blasted the U.S. for
abandoning the Kyoto global warming treaty, despite the fact that the U.S.
has explained the treaty would not be good for the U.S. economy.
· The European Union has yet to lower its stricter Internet privacy
standards, even though the U.S. has pointed out that these standards could
hurt American businesses.
· Several countries, including India, are encouraging their skilled high tech
workers to stay home and not emigrate to the United States, ignoring the fact
that the United States "could probably use them."
