Subj: [GospelofThomas] Fwd Post (Pinched) from GnosticsMillinium Group
Date: 7/10/01 6:07:36 AM Central Daylight Time
From: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Reply-to: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Hi
Below is a post I lifted from the above group. It reminded me of a
certain group that I belong to :-) - Just a bit of fun, hope you
enjoy.
PJ
"Nima Hazini" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Date: Tue Jul 10, 2001 11:54 am
Subject: OT: The Jerry Springer Show with a twist
And now for something completely different......
--
Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jerry: Today's guests are here because they can't
agree on fundamental philosophical principles. I'd
like to welcome Todd to the show.
[Todd enters from backstage.]
Jerry: Hello, Todd.
Todd: Hi, Jerry.
Jerry: (reading from card) So, Todd, you're here to tell
your girlfriend something. What is it?
Todd: Well, Jerry, my girlfriend Ursula and I have been
going out for three years now. We did everything together.
We were really inseparable. But then she discovered
post-Marxist political and literary theory, and it's been
nothing but fighting ever since.
Jerry: Why is that?
Todd: You see, Jerry, I'm a traditional Cartesian rationalist.
I believe that the individual self, the "I" or ego is the foundation
of all metaphysics. She, on the other hand, believes that
the contemporary self is a socially constructed, multi-faceted
subjectivity reflecting the political and economic realities
of late capitalist consumerist discourse.
Crowd: Ooooohhhh!
Todd: I know! I know! Is that infantile, or what?
Jerry: So what do you want to tell her today?
Todd: I want to tell her that unless she ditches the
post-modernism, we're through. I just can't go on
having a relationship with a woman who doesn't
believe I exist.
Jerry: Well, you're going to get your chance. Here's
Ursula! [Ursula storms onstage and charges up to Todd.]
Ursula: Patriarchal colonizer! [She slaps him. Todd leaps
up, but the security guys pull them apart before things can
go any further.]
Ursula: Don't listen to him! Logic is a male hysteria!
Rationality equals oppression and the silencing of
marginalized voices!
Todd: The classical methodology of rational dialectic
is our only road to truth! Don't try to deny it!
Ursula: You and your dialectic! That's how it's been
through our whole relationship, Jerry. Mindless repetition
of the post-Enlightenment meta-narrative.
'You have to start with radical doubt, Ursula.'
'Post-structuralism is just classical sceptical thought
re-cast in the language of semiotics, Ursula.'
Crowd: Booo! Booo!
Jerry: Well, Ursula, come on. Don't you agree that the
roots of contemporary neo-Leftism simply have to be
sought in Enlightenment political philosophy?
Ursula: History is the discourse of powerful centrally
located voices marginalizing and de-scribing the
sub-altern!
Todd: See what I have to put up with? Do you know
what it's like living with someone who sees sex as a
metaphoric demonstration of the anti-feminist violence
implicit in the discourse of the dominant power structure?
It's terrible. She just lies there and thinks of Andrea Dworkin.
That's why we never do it any more.
Crowd: Wooooo!
Ursula: You liar! Why don't you tell them how you haven't
been able to get it up for the past three months because you
couldn't decide if your penis truly had essential Being, or was
simply a manifestation of Mind?
Todd: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Ursula: It's true!
Jerry: Well, I don't think we're going to solve this one
right away. Our next guests are Louis and Tina. And
Tina has a little confession to make! Louis and Tina
come onstage. [Todd and Ursula continue bickering in the
background.]
Jerry: Tina, you are... (reads cards) ... an existentialist,
is that right?
Tina: That's right, Jerry. And Louis is, too.
Jerry: And what did you want to tell Louis today?
Tina: Jerry, today I want to tell him...
Jerry: Talk to Louis. Talk to him. [Crowd hushes.]
Tina: Louis... I've loved you for a long time...
Louis: I love you, too, Tina.
Tina: Louis, you know I agree with you that existence
precedes essence, but ...well, I just want to tell you
I've been reading Nietzsche lately, and I don't think
I can agree with your egalitarian politics any more.
Crowd: Wooooo! Woooooo!
Louis: (shocked and disbelieving) Tina, this is crazy.
ou know that Sartre clarified all this way back in the 40's.
Tina: But he didn't take into account Nietzsche's radical
critique of democratic morality, Louis. I'm sorry. I can't
ignore the contradiction any longer!
Louis: You got these ideas from Victor, didn't you?
Didn't you?
Tina: Don't you bring up Victor! I only turned to him
when I saw you were seeing that dominatrix! I needed
a real man! An Uber-mensch!
Louis: (sobbing) I couldn't help it. It was my burden of
freedom. It was too much!
Jerry: We've got someone here who might have something
to add. Let's bring out...Victor!
[Victor enters. He walks up to Louis and sticks a finger
in his face.]
Victor: Louis, you're a classic post-Christian intellectual.
Weak to the core!
Louis: (through tears) You can kiss my Marxist ass,
Reactionary Boy!
Victor: Herd animal!
Louis: Lackey!
[Louis throws a chair at Victor; they lock horns and wrestle.
The crowd goes wild. After a long struggle, the security guys
pry them apart.]
Jerry: Okay, okay. It's time for questions from the audience.
Go ahead, sir.
Audience member: Okay, this is for Tina. Tina, I just wanna
know how you can call yourself an existentialist, and still
agree with Nietzsche's doctrine of the Ubermensch. Doesn't
that imply a belief in intrinsic essences that is in direct
contradiction with the fundamental principles of existentialism?
Tina: No! No! It doesn't. We can be equal in potential,
without being equal in eventual personal quality. It's a
question of Becoming, not Being.
Audience member: That's just disguised essentialism!
You're no existentialist!
Tina: I am so! Female audience member: You're no existentialist!
Tina: I am so an existentialist, bitch!
[Ursula stands and interjects.]
Ursula: What does it [bleep] matter? Existentialism is
just a cover for late capitalist anti-feminism! Look at
how Sartre treated Simone de Beauvoir!
[Women in the crowd cheer and stomp.]
Tina: [Bleep] you! Fat-ass Foucaultian ho!
Ursula: You only wish you were smart enough to
understand Foucault, bitch!
Tina: You the bitch!
Ursula: No, you the bitch!
Tina: Whatever! Whatever!
Jerry: We'll be right back with a final thought!
Stay with us!
[Commercial break for debt-consolidation loans,
ITT Technical Institute, and Psychic Alliance Hotline.]
Jerry: Hi! Welcome back. I just want to thank all our
guests for being here, and say that I hope you're able
to work through your differences and find happiness,
if indeed happiness can be extracted from the dismal
miasma of warring primal hormonal impulses we call
human relationship.
[turns to the camera]
Well, we all think philosophy is just fun and games.
Semiotics, deconstruction, Lacanian post-Freudian
psychoanalysis, it all seems like good, clean fun. But
when the heart gets involved, all our painfully acquired
metaphysical insights go right out the window, and
we're reduced to battling it out like rutting chimpanzees.
It's not pretty. If you're in a relationship, and differences
over the fundamental principles of your respective
subjectivities are making things difficult, maybe it's time
to move on.
Find someone new, someone who will accept you and
the way your laughably limited human intelligence chooses
to codify and rationalize the chaos of existence. After all,
in the absence of a clear, unquestionable revelation from
God, that's all we're all doing anyway. So remember:
take care of yourselves -- and each other.
Announcer: Be sure to tune in next time, when KKK
strippers battle it out with transvestite omnisexual porn stars!
Tomorrow on Springer!
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