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Yoo [EMAIL PROTECTED] is your life - what no date
with a girl for FIVE YEARS?????
What kind of a scam you running here - but really FIVE YEARS? I think
from looking at that one picture - that was you wasn't it - I have
figured our your problem - you, are in love with yourself?????
Now the way to speak to women, I can imagine how very unpopular you were
but now this Spiritual thing - and a Casino operating to boot? Is this
why you are so well, touchy pooh, when I mention Larry Flynt, voyuerism,
etc etc etc.......
So you go your little merry way - but five yers with no girl what ever
did you do? Sit and look in the mirror in the black lights?
You interested in conspiracy? Just wondered.......
Saba
Here is c.'s journal.....
The Spirit Journal Images What
Who Where Why Contact Me Guestbook
The Journal of Alan Howard
Friday - 16th November 2001 - 9:30pm
Reflections on the past...
Over the past week, I've been re-reading this journal, and I've gained
some fascinating insights. It's coming up to the 3-year anniversary
for this journal, and its seen some significant changes over those
years. Changes in the formatting of the website and the layout, and
changes in my life and what's important to me. Here's a rundown of
those changes, as the years and months have gone by.
November 1998. The journal begins. I was lonely and needy for the
company of women. I went out on a lot of dates, and got excited about
every woman who gave me some attention. I also got crushed after
being dumped after only one date - sometimes without even going on any
date at all!
June 1999. After 5 years without a girlfriend, I found myself in a
relationship with Darlene. The drought had broken! This was a very
happy and creative time for me, being in an exciting and magical 'love
story'.
January 2000. The magic had gone, and I was alone again. Sad and
grieving, I ended up looking outside of myself at those around me and
gained solace in the attention of others again.
April 2000. Michelle entered my life and I began walking down a path
I could never have imagined, where I'd end up leaving the country I
loved and living in another (New Zealand).
June 2000. I stepped boldly out on that new path, unsure and a little
afraid, but never hesitant. I moved to NZ and began a new life away
from my country and my friends. I was excited about the changes, and
about this new woman in my life.
July 2000. I got the best job of my entire life, working for an IT
support organisation (Computerland) that looked after corporate clients.
November 2000. The relationship with Michelle had ended, and there
was a time of grieving. But not enough time. I tried to be friends
with this woman who had meant so much to me, but who I discovered I
couldn't live with.
January 2001. Came back from England where I'd gone for a holiday
with Michelle. Spent the next two months trying to deal with more
stress than I'd ever experienced, as Michelle spent all her energy
trying to get me to come back to her. She eventually moved back to
England in April.
April 2001. Thinking that I had dealt with my relationship issues, I
involved myself in another relationship with Kylie.
June 2001. The relationship with Kylie ended, forcing me to
reconsider my thoughts on what I'd actually dealt with in the past.
November 2001. After 5 months of choosing to be alone and doing
extensive soul-searching, I am in a place of stability and
contentment. Seeing and understanding the part I had in the downfall
of my past relationships has been enlightening. I was also able to
see those areas that I hadn't dealt with in the past, which were the
subsequent cause of further relationship problems. Now there isn't a
sense of frantic activity about me anymore, inside my mind and in what I
radiate. I'm not hung up on the need to have the attention or love of
a woman, and I can actually be friends with those women in my life,
rather than hope for something more.
The changes that I've seen in myself - in this website - has been going
from need and attachment, to stability and even detachment (in terms of
not being attached to the idea of being with a woman). I feel more
relaxed and in control of myself and my destiny. I feel more
capable. It's just awesome!
Well, I'm going to write another article for The Spirit... This one
was inspired from a conversation last night with a friend. Can you
accept who you are?
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© 2001 Alan Howard
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