-Caveat Lector-
Al Martin Raw | Clueless in Afghanistan
January 6, 2001
Our man in Kabul ("Abdul," not Geraldo) reports the latest news from
Afghanistan. The US troops are still trying to integrate with the Afghani
peasantry, and even though the CNN-Department of Defense has reported
that only one twelve hundred pound crate of food has landed on a hut, killing
the people inside, it's not true. There have, in fact, been many incidents like
this. Our man didn't know exactly how many there were, but he believes there
have been perhaps dozens and dozens of these incidents. Not only have we
been smashing their huts, but we have been dropping them on the
peasantry's most valuable resource -- their camels. Since the US has been
dropping crates of food over populated areas, it's almost impossible not to
smash many of their adobe huts.
The mayor of one village said that "every time we see the crates dropping,
we sound the village emergency bell, and everyone in the village grabs their
camel and runs like hell to the caves." The local peasantry (and I'm not
making this up) have begun calling them, "Yabba dabba doo."
"Yabba dabba doo" can be loosely translated as "falling crates that knock
down huts and squash camels."
Meanwhile Secretary Rumsfeld has said that the United States is determined
to feed the Afghani people. He admits that we're dropping all this stuff on
them -- and they don't even know that it's food. They've never seen stuff like
this before.
The tribal chieftain was seen holding up an MRE (Meals Ready to Eat) of
spaghetti and meatballs. He says that they didn't know what it was, but that
they determined finally that it was lamb's brains and tomato sauce. But he
said he couldn't figure out why there were little lumps of horseshit in it. He
was referring to the meatballs.
One of the crates of food had busted open, and it had what looked like
thousands of packages of Kraft's marshmallows. The poor Afghans, of
course, don't know a marshmallow from a hole in the wall.
The chieftain was holding the marshmallow and squeezing it. He said that he
thought, by the texture of the thing, that it was some sort of suppository.
Since there's a greater American troop presence now, they're going into
these Afghani villages to make friends with them and tell them that "we come
in peace". And of course, they don't understand any of the local language.
When the US went into this thing, we had almost no Arabic-speaking people
in the armed forces, and especially none who could speak the local
language.
When the troops go in there, the only thing they understand is that they keep
hearing the peasants say, "Yabba dabba doo." So now the American troops
have nicknamed the Afghan peasants "flintstones." They thought initially that
the peasants were trying to communicate with them by saying something
humorous, something they heard on TV.
So our troops would yell back at them, "Yabba dabba doo," and immediately
all the peasants look up in the sky, then grab their camels and run like hell.
And the American commander says, "We can't figure out what's going on."
It's the sheer ineptitude that becomes humorous. We go into these things,
and we don't have people that speak the language. Logistically we don't even
know where the people are. Our own troops were saying that only half of the
Global Positioning Units work at any given time. And they're not being given
reliable maps because the Department of Defense didn't even have any.
Then the soldiers say, "Look, half the time we don't know where we are; we
don't speak the language; we don't know what's going on."
But the tribal chieftains couldn't understand why we were spoiling good
lamb's brains and tomato sauce with lumps of horseshit. Then we're dropping
MREs that have macaroni and cheese in them. The Afghans took it as an
insult. They thought it looked like vomit in a bag.
Then they showed the beans and franks. Apparently that's the most popular
item - the beans and franks. They think the franks are some sort of sheep's
member, and that's the one thing that's really valuable because evidently
sheep's members are thought to give their virility a boost. So they're much
enthralled with the beans and franks.
The very incompetence of our armed forces is what's so humorous. You can't
believe what the US Government says about the war in Afghanistan. They
said that we accidentally dropped one five hundred pound bomb on a cave --
without realizing that our Northern Alliance allies were inside the cave looking
for the Taliban. Inadvertently we sealed our own allies in the cave, and they're
making a big to-do about it -- how we're rushing excavation equipment there
to dig out our allies, whom we bombed into the cave in the first place.
Meanwhile, the Pakistanis are leaking out information that bin Laden may
already be dead, sealed inside a cave somewhere. Then it'll cost $1.3 billion
of the US taxpayers' money to excavate all the thousands of caves we've
already bombed. But it will be a very convenient story, when bin Laden's
head is finally paraded before the world.
The situation between India and Pakistan keeps deteriorating. India has
withdrawn its help regarding the "war on terrorism" and declared the
Pakistanis to be "terrorists." Likewise, the Pakistanis have declared the
Indians to be "terrorists." It should be remembered that Pakistan was initially
behind the Taliban, as well as the Kashmiri so-called "separatists." Pakistan
also armed the Tamil so-called "separatists."
India has reinforced its conventional forces on the Kashmiri border with
Pakistan and is dispatching the rest of its forces to its border with China.
Apparently both Pakistan and India have their nuclear arsenals on a full state
of alert. The Chinese have quietly begun to increase their conventional
strength on their western borders and have moved an undetermined quantity
of thermo-nuclear mobile launchers into its western theater.
Russia has privately told the Chinese that should they attempt to attack India,
the Russians will attack the Chinese, whereupon both Chinese and Russians
have privately told George Bush and Tony Blair that allied conventional forces
best be withdrawn "for their own safety." They don't want the United States
drawn in that way, but, of course, the Bush Administration will take that
gamble because it's so desperate to keep American troops in Afghanistan
as part of its long-term strategy.
This strategy in the so-called "war against terrorism" is an effort to
continuously take more and more rights from the American people and
consolidate that power in the White House. This is a very important long-term
strategy. The Bush Administration has a lot of vested political capital built into
this propaganda. If suddenly our troops in Afghanistan were to be withdrawn,
Bush would wind up with egg on his face. And it would disturb their timetable.
In other news, the Department of Defense has reported that they want to
resume testing of the completely grounded V-22 Ospreys. They have finally
been forced to make substantial admissions that there are numerous design
faults and spare part problems. They want to resume flight-testing, but even
they said they would not put soldiers on the aircraft. Testing would be
resumed by remote control. (See previous story)
The V-22 is still officially classified as a prototype aircraft. Instead of humans,
though, they want to put small animals, like dogs, on the aircraft. They will be
hooking them up to respiration and heart-monitoring machines to see how
they react to various stresses as the aircraft goes through various
maneuvers.
When the ASPCA heard about, they immediately filed for an injunction in the
California Superior Court, asking the judge to block the Department of
Defense from doing this, since the V-22 Osprey was obviously hazardous to
the animals.
The judge, after reading the safety reports of the V-22 Osprey, declared the
aircraft to be "a flying death trap." And the ASPCA was given their injunction.
With more reports of more American soldiers being injured by American
faulty equipment, maybe we should wage a whole new kind of warfare. If
we're going to make a serious worldwide effort on the "war on terrorism," we
should first arm all the "terrorists" with American weapons because then we
wouldn't have to fight them at all. They would eventually all die of attrition. As
the helicopters we gave them crashed, as the missiles we gave them blew up
on launch, as they get electrocuted through faulty spare parts, eventually they
would all die out. That should be our new "battle plan."
Then there was the announcement of the crash of the Global Hawk, the
unmanned experimental surveillance drone, in Afghanistan. This was
supposedly the first one used in Afghanistan. They had been using the
Dragonflies, but they all got lost - or they crashed.
The Dragonflies are only about $350,000 a piece. They're really nothing
more than glorified model airplanes. So General Tommy Franks, the
commander of US forces in the region, declared that if all the $350,000
Dragonflies are crashing, perhaps we should use the new $16 million Global
Hawk. They launched it, and it was supposed to be the first time it's been
used in a combat theater. The Global Hawk takes off, then promptly
proceeds to fly in the wrong direction six hundred miles -- until it crashes in
Pakistan. It was supposed to be going west to Kandahar. It landed in the
hinterland of Pakistan on another hut killing two more peasants. It's just
another $16 million of the American people's tax money wasted on another
system that doesn't work. A GAO report said that the US Army's own
Inspector General's Office said it wasn't ready and it didn't work. But they
launched it anyway, and, for the first stretch of a hundred miles or so, it was
apparently sending back signals indicating that it was flying in the right
direction -- when it was really flying a hundred eighty degrees the other way.
It finally crashed in a Pakistani village and two more villagers met their
demise. The tribal chieftain of the village had evidently heard about these
"yabba dabba doos" from the Afghani peasants.
After the incident, it was reported that the Pakistani tribal chieftain told his
flock to grab their camels and head for the caves - until the Americans stop
dropping "yabba dabba doos. . ."
It should be remembered that "Yabba dabba doos" are roughly translated as
"falling objects that smash huts and squash camels."
http://www.almartinraw.com/column45.html
(In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, this material is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes.)
© : t r u t h o u t 2001
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