-Caveat Lector- >From Sierra Times
}}}>Begin Politically Incorrect Movie Reviews Minority Report by RadioFree Rocky D Published 06. 27. 02 at 22:00 Sierra Time Cast: Tom Cruise (Paul) – he sees when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, and he isn't Santa Claus so be good for goodness sake. Max Von Sydow (Director Lamar) – cranky bad ol' Whitey. Samantha Morton (Agatha) – telepathic crack baby. Kathryn Morris (Lara) – got married for "better," but split when "worse" showed up. Colin Farrell (Witwer) – the only religious guy in the film, so you know he's gonna die. It's a liberal's dream come true: Jackbooted thugs kick down your door and haul you away, because you're merely thinking about doing something wrong. Minority Report is a frightening vision of a near future dystopia, where the thought police have unlimited police power and unlimited high-tech gizmos to punish you for having bad-thoughts. It's The Matrix meets Logan's Run in a cinematic mad dash that wrestles with the ethics of arresting someone who has not yet committed a crime, but the experts say certainly will. Geez … we can't even get OJ in jail after he piles up mountains of evidence and deposits his DNA in more places than Bill Clinton at a sorority party; yet here we have coppers busting folks for something that has yet to occur. I'll bet Johnny Cochran and Alan Dershowitz wet their theatre seats over this hate-crimes legislation taken to the nth degree fantasy. The whole idea of a cop on the run from a corrupt system is not new. Minority Report is just better made than most of the stories that follow Philip K. Dick's vision of a dark and disturbing future, where Bigshots sit in huge leather chairs, smoke cigars and twiddle their moustaches, bellowing "Bwaa-hahahaaaa …" Meanwhile, the huddling masses suffer under an increasingly mechanized and oppressive corporate-run government. Sounds a lot like the Kennedy's have taken over, eh? As is the way of Mr. PC himself, the self-proclaimed great Steven Spielberg – who lately has come out whining against the 2nd amendment, all the while stockpiling a personal arsenal in his zillion-dollar home – the PC comes out flying off the screen right away. This is not surprising, considering this is the man who rearranged the Christian soldier's tombstones at Arlington to include more Stars of David in the movie Saving Private Ryan (wouldn't want to give Christians credit for saving the World in WWII, now would we, Steven?). The film takes place in Washington DC, in the year 2054 (100 years after P.K. Dick wrote the story). All the would-be murderers in DC have been rounded up and sent to a futuristic prison, where they are put in golf-ball tubes and pop out of the floor like ice-cream push- ups. If you look closely at the people in the prison scene, you'll notice that they're all Caucasians, including the scissors-wielding cuckold busted in the first scene. Not a single brother in the DC ghetto busts a cap in anyone's ass in this flick, so you know it's a fantasy. Perhaps the "Precogs" (I'll explain them later) can't see into the minds of the gangsta homeys that run amok in the streets of DC. Maybe there was nothing there to see; possibly they were keeping a close eye on anyone related to a now long-retired Gary Condit. In reality, the District of Columbia often leads the nation in violent street crime, including murder. It got so bad the Guv'mint got all twittery and pressured the NBA to change the name of the DC team from "The Bullets" to "The Wizards," but like all government programs, that move was perfunctory and did nothing to address the real problem. It did, however, make certain self-proclaimed minority leaders feel better; and that's what is truly important to the left. Never mind true results; we just want the downtrodden to be deliriously delighted with the Big Brother daydream – stay in our place … we'll take care of you … It's the oldest bait and switch game in humanity; perception versus reality. Ghettoes are populated by citizens who are non-violent and victims of the White Man. It's the Caucasians that are the real harbingers of violence in society. Whitey forces non-whites to live in the ghetto, take Government welfare and drink cheap whiskey. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Hey Spielberg, when was the last time you walked down a ghetto street in DC? Uh- huh. The other piece of PC malarkey is the idea of all white cops zooming into the ghetto streets in their scary swat gear and scooping up bad guys (who are all Whiteys). Come to think of it, in the futuristic "subsidized housing" hi-rise; there are no minorities (odd for a film called Minority Report). Perhaps by the year 2054, middle- class Whitey will have been taxed so highly that he, too, joins the ghettohood. If you review films with the same mindset as the kid who points out that the Emperor has no clothes (as I do) you know right away who the bad guy is when you see him. He's the wrinkled, old, cranky Caucasian capitalist, Lamar (Max Von Sydow). "If you go around digging up the past, all you'll get is dirty," says cranky Lamar. Oohh, you know he's hiding something now. Ah-HA! You smartly say, this will be the ultimate evil Whitey! And you'd be right, even though Spielberg tries to throw you a weak curveball via another character that wears a religious trinket around his neck. Whenever there is an old white capitalist guy in a position of power, you know that's where the evil force emanates from. When handed a gold-plated pistol as a gift, Lamar says, "Let's hope that no one has to discharge a firearm ever again." Sure thing, Pops; I'll just put my faith in the same system that let us down in September of 2001. Tell ya what; you defend yourself by dialing 911 and I'll defend myself with this pistol, and we'll see who comes out alive. Naturally, Lamar uses the pistol later, because he's a bad guy and only bad guys use guns. Bad old gun-totin' capitalist Whiteys! Bad bad bad! After all, it's those old cranky Whiteys who still have the old-fashioned notion that America is still a country where you can make it on your own if you work hard enough at it. Those silly old Whiteys … haw-haw-haw! Stop it, ol' Whitey, yer killin' me! Enter the Precogs – yep, that's Precog as in "precognition." We learn that these are grown up crack babies floating in a pool and connected to a central computer that allows the "Pre- Crime Unit" (please, don't give Hillary any ideas) to see their thoughts. The Precogs are named Agatha, Dashiell and Arthur. Get it? It's a nod to mystery writers Agatha Christie, Dashiell Hammett and Arthur Conan Doyle. The Precogs are an interesting dichotomy that is never addressed in Minority Report. To wit, here we have a society that values life enough to arrest people merely thinking of murder, yet that same society enslaves three of its most unique minds and forces them to float comatose connected to a computer. There isn't even any mention of whether they get paid for doing this or not – that would make them capitalists and that's a BAD thing to be (unless you're a Hollyweird star, then capitalism is okee- dokee). And who is the smartest of the Precogs? The lone female, of course. I'm surprised that Hollyweird didn't make her an Injun in a wheelchair while they were at it. As it is, people in Minority Report treat the Precogs like they are some kind of mystical gods. Psychics can help solve crimes, because they have God-like secret powers. Psychic powers are real, and the government should control people with such power, because there should be no higher power than the government. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. The idea that psychics help out police is nothing but new-age pychobabble hogwash. There has never been a case that was solved by a "psychic." What the "psychics" do is show up after the case is solved and then take credit for it. But there are plenty enough ninnies who read the National Enquirer and watch Oprah to run around as blind believers of this hocus- pocus and make other idiots follow right along. Ask yourself this: why did a psychic not predict 9/11? And no, neither did Nostradamus. Come to think of it, why don't psychics bet on horses? If you believe in "psychics," please contact me about a bridge I have for sale. I'll give you a real deal on it. And what would a Spielberg flick be without a little Christian-bashing? Enter Mr. Witwer, a creepy looking sort who cannot be trusted. Witwer wears a religious necklace – I believe it's a Saint Christopher medal, but I'm not sure. Witwer explains to us that he was once in the seminary, but now he's an ace crime investigator. I suppose this is Hollyweird's way of telling us he came to his senses, yet he may be the bad guy. "If there's a flaw, it's human, says a sneering Witwer, "It always is." Witwer should've remembered that Saint Christopher was beheaded. Eventually, Cruise runs to The Nature Lady, who has plants that protect her by lashing out at anyone who gets near. This is supposedly the lady that created the Precogs. Apparently you take a crack baby, add a dash of Ortho and voila! The Nature Lady plants a smootch on Cruise and tells him things … secret things. People who are at one with nature know mystical life-giving secrets. There is no God, only the Goddess of Nature, until something even trendier comes along. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Minority Report is one of those films where you have to lay common sense aside to join in the fast-paced fun and it doesn't take a Precog to tell where the predictable plot is going. There are enough holes in the storyline to drive a stylish Lexus thorough. Here are a few: Cruise could have simply checked himself into a motel somewhere far away to avoid being at the time and place of the murder. When the pre-crime coppers find out a murder is going to be committed, they could simply take the victim into protective custody, thereby avoiding the whole incident. When Cruise is on the run from the coppers, his eyeball security scanner still works to get him into the most secure sections of the building – I guess changing the locks didn't occur to them. The coppers didn't even question Agatha, and she was the one who knew what was going on. Nobody notices when Witwer goes missing. Lara says she left Cruise because she needed to get away from her bad memories of her son's kidnapping, yet she sets up a shrine to the boy in her home. If Lamar wanted to kill someone, he could've done it outside of DC, away from the range of the Precogs. And lastly, the huge leaps in technology seem unlikely to occur in the next 52 years. Remember, 50 years ago, sci-fi geeks were absolutely sure we'd be in flying cars and polka-dancing on Mars by now. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of very cool things to see in Minority Report, despite it's attempt to PC the future. There is a very funny scene where Cruise is chasing his eyeballs down a hallway. Many futuristic fun-gadgets populate the move, including robotic spiders and advertisements that scan your eyeballs and say your name, "Wouldn't you like a nice refreshing cold beer, Mr. Anderton?" "How were those tank tops, Mr. Yamamoto?" "Mr. Clinton, these condoms are perfect for you." Companies like The Gap, Lexus and many more paid big bucks to be in this film, and if Lexus ever makes a car that rad, I'll buy one. Minority Report has 4 of the 5 Bachelor B's. Blood (delightfully slimy surgery), Bashes (whole lotta smashin' goin' on), Beasts (robotic creepy-crawlies) and Bombs. No Breasts … Hmm … don't know as I like a future with no breasts – maybe that means that the Girlstapo (NOW) get their way after all. I give Minority Report four Capitalist Dollar Signs. $$$$ © Permission to reprint/republish granted, as long as you include the name of our site, the author, and our URL. www.SierraTimes.com All Sierra Times news reports, and all editorials are © 2002 SierraTimes.com (unless otherwise noted) SierraTimes.com™ A Subsidiary of J.J. 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