[debritto] FW: Weekend jokes

[Harinowo, Cyrillus]

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Nuwun, hari

 

 

 

-----Original Message-----
From: Prof. M. Sadli [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]]
Sent: Saturday, June 30, 2001 10:54 AM
Subject: Weekend jokes

THE FIRST AFFAIR

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they had always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time, dear"

THE SECOND AFFAIR

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, the mortician discovered the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't
believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

THE THIRD AFFAIR

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

THE FOURTH AFFAIR

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.> "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

THE FIFTH AFFAIR

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

THE SIXTH AFFAIR

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family, a weeping wife and four children.  Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "Assure me that the youngest child really is mine.  I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him.  "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy.  The wife mutters under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

THE SEVENTH AFFAIR

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"  The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

THE EIGHTH AFFAIR

There was a 75-year-old person marrying a woman less than half his age.  One day, he phoned his doctor, saying with great excitement that his wife was pregnant.

"Aren't you going to congratulate me, Doctor?", asked the old man.  The doctor said: 

"Well, Let me tell you a story.  There was an absent-minded hunter.  One day he decided to go hunting.  But instead of picking up his gun, he mistakenly picked up his umbrella.  He then went into the woods, and saw a big, big lion come running straight at him.  Raising his umbrella, the hunter shot and killed the big lion instantly".

The old husband then said:  "It is not possible, doctor.  Someone else must have shot the big lion".

The doctor replied: "Exactly".

THE NINETH AFFAIR

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a bar, drinking beers and scotch steadily, and discussing how stupid their wives are. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that the Englishman's wife sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is even thicker. "You see, just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely with great understanding. He agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch in it. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it is so funny every time I think of it," he chuckles aloud. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. I watched her packing her luggage, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

THE TENTH AFFAIR

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky, "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times..."

"Three, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?...... Remember, one day the
bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?...... Well......"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me?!  I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me....... So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you?...... Remember how Dr.
DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?......Well......."

"Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life....... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling...... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the school board....... And you were 47 votes short......."