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Tips for a safe Halloween
As we all prepare for the upcoming Halloween
season, please take a few minutes to read some
simple rules to help keep everyone safe.
1- Don't assume the telephone calls are coming
from another house.
2- When it appears that you have killed the
monster, NEVER check to see if it's really
dead.
3- Ladies, when you hear a noise outside, never
go to check what it is while wearing only a tee
shirt and panties. That is just asking to get
killed. Go put on the most unattractive thing
you own first, if you still insist on checking
on that noise outside.
4- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud,
even as a joke.
5- Don't go into the basement to check the power
when the lights go out!
6- If your children speak to you in Latin or any
other language which they should not know, shoot
them immediately. It will save you a lot of
grief in the long run. However, it will
probably take several rounds to kill them, so be
prepared. This also applies to kids who speak
with somebody else's voice.
7- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER
split up and go it alone.
8- Don't boast to your friends about how you are
not scared while your back is to a window or
glass door.
9- Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed
a few of your friends are missing!
10- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that
open a portal to Hell.
11- Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb,
or crypt. This would apply to any other house
of the dead as well.
12- If you're searching for something which
caused a loud noise and find out that it's just
the cat, don't stand their sighing with relief,
GET THE HECK OUT!
13- If appliances start operating by themselves,
don't check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT!
14- Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
15- If you find a town which looks deserted,
there's probably a good reason for it. Don't
stop and look around.
16- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology
unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
17- If you're running from the monster, expect to
trip or fall down at least twice, more if you
are of the female persuasion. Also note that,
despite the fact that you are running and the
monster is merely ambling along, it's still
moving fast enough to catch up with you.
18- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit
uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing,
fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
19- Stay away from certain geographical
locations, some of which are listed here:
Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog
(you're in trouble if you recognize this one),
the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
Maine.
20- If your car runs out of gas at night on a
lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-
looking house to phone for help. If you think
that it is strange because you thought you had
3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are
going to die anyway, and will most likely be
eaten.
21- If you find that your house is built upon a
cemetery, now is the time to move in with the
in- laws. This also applies to houses that had
previous inhabitants who went mad or committed
suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had
inhabitants who performed satanic practices in
your house.
22- Beware of strangers bearing strange tools.
For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons,
band saws, or any devices made from deceased
companions.
Happy Halloween to you all.
--- Judi Burns
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