Sent by an air traffic controller. (so I was told, probably
just urban myths)
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight
departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United
767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you
to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop
right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and
Ds,
but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew,
she
was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything
up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and
don't
move till I tell you to You can expect progressive taxi
instructions
in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I
tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes
ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground
control
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US
Air
2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate
ground controller in her
current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGW
was running high.Then an
unknown pilot broke the silence and asked:
"Wasn't I married to you
once?"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with
his
approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751
heavy,
turn right at theend of the runway, if able. If not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to
the airport."
------------
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing
stupid!"
------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off,
contact Departure on 124.7" Eastern 702:
"Tower, Eastern 702 switching
to Departure. By the way, after we lifted of
we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared
for take-off, contact Departure on
124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
Tower: Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
take-off,
roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern and have already notified
our caterers......"
-------------
The German air controllers at
Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only
expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a
Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways
747,callsign "Speedbird
206":
Speedbird206: Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active
runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206,have you not
been
to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944
but
it was dark and I didn't stop."
-------------
O'Hare Approach
Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
One o'clock, three
miles, eastbound." United 239: Approach, I've
always wanted to say this...
I've got the little Fokker in sight."
-------------
A PanAm727
flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance
time?" Ground(in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a
beautiful
British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"-
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