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>>
>> Tools explained
>> ============
>>
>> Drill Press
>> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
>> out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
>> across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully
>> set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>>
>> Wire Wheel
>> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
>> with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
>> from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"
>>
>> Skill Saw
>> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>>
>> Pliers
>> Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
>> blood-blisters.
>>
>> Belt Sander
>> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
>> major refinishing jobs.
>>
>> Hacksaw
>> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
>> transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
>> you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>>
>> Vise-Grips
>> Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
>> else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
>> the palm of your hand.
>>
>> Oxyacetylene Torch
>> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
>> fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
>> you want to remove a bearing race.
>>
>> Table Saw
>> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
>> testing wall integrity.
>>
>> Hydraulic Floor Jack
>> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
>> new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>>
>> Band Saw
>> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
>> aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
>> after you have made your cuts on the inside of the line instead of the
>> outside edge.
>>
>> Two-Ton Engine Hoist
>> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
>> disconnect.
>>
>> Phillips Screwdriver
>> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
>> paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
>> used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>>
>> Straight Screwdriver
>> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
>> screws into non-removable screws, and often butchering your palms.
>>
>> Pry Bar
>> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
>> to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>
>> Hose Cutter
>> A tool used to make hoses too short.
>>
>> Hammer
>> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
>> kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
>> object we are trying to hit, usually smashing the thumb that is holding the
>> object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working
>> on - effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail
>> for weeks. See: Son-of-a-bitch TOOL
>>
>> Utility Knife
>> Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
>> to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
>> records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
>> rubber or plastic parts. It is especially useful for slicing work clothes,
>> but only while in use.
>>
>> Son-of-a-Bitch Tool
>> Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son
>> of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
>> that you will need.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
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