For those interested in learning the technique that Raunchydog has referred to recently -- "Poking The Badger" -- I pass along the following. It is a list of instructions gleaned from the vedic literature, in particular the GottaGetoff Sutra.
Be warned, because it is said right in that sutra that this practice and other related practices of TM (Toxic Masturbation) are very powerful, and can possibly lead the spiritual aspirant astray, into the realms of madness and obsession. Practiced properly, however, "Poking The Badger" and other forms of Toxic Masturbation can result in the achievement the state of CC (Cosmic Cuntitude) within a short five to eight year period. 1. First prepare your environment. On your puja table place your laptop (connected to the Internet, of course) and your TM Helper device. (Make sure that the Toxic Masturbation Helper's batteries are fully charged, or your Poking The Badger exper- ience may not be as satisfying as it should be.) 2. Log in to your favorite location for practicing Toxic Masturbation in public, such as a spiritual chat forum or a political forum on which some posters have failed to bow down properly to you or to Saint Hillary. 3. Fire up your TM Helper. That 'BZZZZZZ' sound you hear is the sound of the Cosmic OM, allowing you to find a resonance with Cosmic Goddessitudeness. Apply the TM Helper as directed on the label. 4. Next, pick a victim for your Poking The Badger session. It need not be a <spit> man; it could just as easily be a woman who has failed to bow down to you in the past. The only essential thing is that the victim has to have written you off as a bad bet and have a track record of NEVER responding to any of your brilliant arguments as if they were really brilliant, or worth dealing with at all. This is important, because if you pick someone who actually treats you as if *anything* you could ever say could possibly be worth arguing about, steps 5 through 7 below won't work properly. 5. With your TM Helper switched on and firmly in place, write a stinging post calling the victim on his or her sexism and Send it off. In the post, be sure to include another fantasy argument that means nothing to anyone in the world except your- self, that the victim is "supposed to" respond to or "refute" in some way. 6. Sit back and wait for the victim to fail to respond. This may take the form of ignoring you completely, of laughing at you, or of pointing out that the thing he or she is "supposed to" respond to is ridiculous and not worth wasting time on, or that YOU are ridiculous and not worth wasting time on. In the study of Toxic Masturbation, this is what we call "foreplay." 7. When the victim has thus set him- or herself up for what we call "nailing," deliver the pièce de résistance and "nail" them. Turn your TM Helper up a couple of notches and type: "HA! Gotcha! You failed to respond to my brilliant made-up argument. I win!!! You have *proved* yourself to be sexist!" and press Send. 8. At this point, for most Toxic Masturbation prac- titioners the objective of Poking The Badger is achieved and they can sit back and share a ciga- rette with their TM Helper. But if it doesn't work the first time, just repeat step #7 several more times, saying the same thing over and over until you reach the state of cumadhi. 9. Practice as necessary until you attain CC.
