It was fun last week riffing off of meow13's questions and pondering the mysteries of romance. So since it's a fine sunny day in Sitges and I'm here in my favorite cafe with my favorite dogs and my favorite laptop, I think I'll ponder it some more.
To some extent, I think that a lot of folks who have been "off the market" romance-wise for some time (due to being married, wannabe celibates, shy, or just having given up) may have forgotten what the *initial* stages of romance are. Some -- very few, in my experience, and all memorable because of their rarity and their intensity -- are coups de foudre, "love at first sight," with both parties in- stantly smitten with each other. Others are more gradual, with it taking some time before either party would use the term "romance" to describe what was going on. Today -- just for fun -- I'm thinking of that gradual getting-to-know-each-other process in terms of interview- ing for a job. Have you ever been in the position where your job was to interview other people for the company you work for? It's a real lesson in many things, one of them being time and energy conservation. You've got to take time away from your "real" work to look through resumes and then inter- view a bunch of people, and then decide who you're going to pick for the job. Unlike romance (thankfully), you *have* to find someone for the job. So, the job search starts with checking out resumes. And your "first pass" on resumes (sorry to tell all of you job-hunters out there, but it's true) takes less than a minute per resume. In that first pass, you're creating two piles -- one to look at in more depth, the second so that they can be sent "Thank you for applying, but..." form letters. Pile Number Two has been instantly rejected because something in the resume Just Didn't Float Your Boat. Romance? Same thing, except for the "smitten" moments described above. Whether you are actively searching for a romance or, like me, not looking at all but open to Chance Encounters Of The Third Kind, your "first pass" on the people who wander into your life is often (and, admittedly, sadly) a "create two piles of resumes" situation. Their "resume" is how they walk, how they dress, how they carry themselves physically, what their aura looks like. Remember, this is before any talking (actual interviewing) has taken place. You're just seeing them walking down the street or sitting at the same cafe or across the room at a party or a classroom or a movie theater. When interviewing job candidates, the "second pass" is going through Pile Number One and deciding who to call in for an interview, and then conducting those interviews. You've been impressed enough by the person's resume -- how they talk their talk -- enough to want to see whether they can walk their talk. And boy! do you learn a lot about a person when interviewing them. It's MUCH more intense than romance in that respect. But again, there is still a part of your mind that is looking for "red flags," indications that this person might NOT be the best match for the team of software coders you're going to be placing in the same room with them. In the second pass you are primarily looking for a "vibe," a sense of "match," an intuition that this person would "fit in" with the team, and become a valuable addition to it. And in romance? Well, damnit, that kinda describes my "second pass" there, too. I've been impressed enough with the person's auric "resume" to want to talk to them. And I really AM inter- ested in just getting to know them, but at the same time if the auric "Possible Candidate For Romance" alarm went off in my brain, I'm *also* looking to see how she would "fit in" with my life. Is the relationship between us easy and unforced? Do we laugh a lot? Are lapses in conversation perceived as something one of the parties "needs" to fill, or are they just perceived -- and appreciated -- as Silence? Are there "red flags" that come up during the "interview?" When interviewing someone for a job, one tends to want to know why they left their previous job. One of the worst mistakes you can make when interviewing for a job is to badmouth your former company. BIG red flag. Almost guaranteed to get you not hired, because the potential employer knows that that's exactly how you'll be talking about them when you don't "fit in" here, either. And in romance? Duh. Hell can arguably be defined as sitting across the table from someone who has spent the entire dinner bad-mouthing their ex. The check cannot come too soon. And it's as if the waiters in every Relationship Hell Restaurant know intuitively when this situation is taking place, and delay bringing you the check as long as possible, because they are sadists. "Red flags" aside, though, that early getting-to-know-each-other period -- either in interviewing or in romance -- can also occas- ionally be a lot of fun. Finding someone with whom you can just relax and laugh with and enjoy being with them is as fulfilling when interviewing someone for a job as it is when considering someone as a possible romantic partner. Probably more fulfilling in the interviewing process, because all you have to do is hire them, not potentially marry them. :-)
