Dear Friends on Fairfield Life: This morning my second worst nightmare came true: the public announcement of my terminal cancer by mass email. (First Worst Nightmare: diagnosis last Friday).
Please rest assured, first of all, that this was due to an innocent mis-communication that led to massive unintended consequences. Guilty parties have been forgiven. We can let that part rest. Had I made the announcement myself, mindfully and intentionally, I would not have chosen the phrase "dying of liver cancer". I would have chosen "living with terminal cancer of the liver". I loathe mood-making and magical thinking, but in fact I am more alive today than I was before the diagnosis—and feeling a little better as well. I am not in denial about this nor am I in the "bargaining phase" of dealing with personal mortality (1. Shock 2. Denial 3. Anger 4. Bargaining 5. Acceptance). I have not had the "full workup" yet and don't meet the Oncology guys until next month. However, there is enough on the table to assume I will see no part of 2014. Even though this was an innocent mistake, it has cost me the opportunity to sit quietly and privately with my closest friends and break it to them on my own terms. Another thing to consider is that now I am potentially open to a barrage of well-intended bad advice that I will be in no way obligated to take, but which will take up precious time and energy in the processing. That is a particular hazard in this community. I am already mostly over the anger I felt when I heard about this. Being somewhat familiar with the FFL community, I am also well aware that some of you will this is as "karmic", while others will find that take to be meaningless or even offensive. >From my point of view, the one thing I can say for sure is that it's just one >more irrefutable demonstration that "IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT I WANT." So I will just deal with it and move on. No hard feelings. I am going to be really, really busy with personal stuff for awhile. Eventually I will answer some questions if you want, but for now I am just not going to be paying much attention. I have pretty much the very best of every kind of support I need, already in place. No need for anyone to worry. Or gossip. ;-) L B S
