I have very much a live and let live attitude. For *me* (just little old me) this whole scenario wouldn't tempt me as what they call "possessiveness" I would see as "loyalty". Different strokes for different folks.
---In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, <steve.sundur@...> wrote : the advocates are quite open about these issues, and how they deal with them. but it appears that much work is needed to overcome issues along these lines which inevitably come up. and then, after you work to resolve one issue along these lines, the same, or similar issue may come up, a day later, or a week later, and open up all the same wounds. at least that appears to be a likely scenario to me. human emotions tend to be pretty fragile, especially along the lines of physical intimacy I mean, do you really want to have your life interrupted by a continual rap session along the lines of, "I feel _____" and "Okay, I understand you feel ____________", but "my needs are ____________". "How can I be sure my needs are being met without disregarding your needs" Hug. "Let's sleep on it" "Good idea" (-: ---In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, <s3raphita@...> wrote : Re "Polyamorists cite the human tendency towards jealousy and possessiveness as major hurdles in polyamory, and also as personal limitations to overcome.": Good luck with that one. ---In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, <awoelflebater@...> wrote : Values[edit http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Polyamory&action=edit§ion=8] Main article: Values within polyamory http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Values_within_polyamory Fidelity and loyalty: Many polyamorists define fidelity not as sexual exclusivity, but as faithfulness to the promises and agreements made about a relationship. A secret sexual relationship that violates those accords would be seen as a breach of fidelity. Polyamorists generally base definitions of commitment on considerations other than sexual exclusivity, e.g. "trust and honesty" or "growing old together".[44] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#cite_note-44 Communication and negotiation: Because there is no "standard model" for polyamorous relationships, and reliance upon common expectations may not be realistic, polyamorists often advocate explicitly negotiating with all involved to establish the terms of their relationships, and often emphasize that this should be an ongoing process of honest communication and respect. Polyamorists will usually take a pragmatic approach to their relationships; many accept that sometimes they and their partners will make mistakes and fail to live up to these ideals, and that communication is important for repairing any breaches.[45] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#cite_note-polyoz_values-45[46] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#cite_note-s.org-46 Trust, honesty, dignity, and respect: Most polyamorists emphasize respect, trust, and honesty for all partners.[45] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#cite_note-polyoz_values-45[46] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#cite_note-s.org-46 Ideally, a partner's partners are accepted as part of that person's life rather than merely tolerated, and usually a relationship that requires deception or a "don't ask don't tell" policy is seen as a less than ideal model. Boundaries and agreements: Poly relationships often involve negotiating agreements, and establishing specific boundaries, or "ground rules"; such agreements vary widely and may change over time, but could include, for example: consultation about new relationships; devising schedules that work for everyone; limits on physical displays of affection in public or among mixed company; and budgeting the amount of money a partner can spend on additional partners. Gender equality: Many polyamorists do not believe in different relationship "rules" based on gender http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_role, a point of contrast with some forms of religious non-monogamy, which are often patriarchically based. Commonly, however, couples first expanding an existing monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one, may adhere to gender-specific boundaries until all parties are comfortable with the new dynamic, such as when a wife agrees not to engage sexually with another male at her husband's request, but may be allowed to have romantic and sexual relationships with women. Such terms and boundaries are negotiable, and such asymmetric http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symmetry degrees of freedom among the partners (who need not be of different genders) are more often due to individual differences and needs, and are usually understood to be temporary and within a negotiated time frame until further opening up of the relationship becomes practicable or easier for the parties to handle emotionally. Non-possessiveness: Many polyamorists view excessive restrictions on other deep relationships as less than desirable, as such restrictions can be used to replace trust with a framework of ownership and control. It is usually preferred or encouraged that a polyamorist strive to view their partners' other significant others (often referred to as OSOs) in terms of the gain to their partners' lives rather than a threat to their own (see compersion http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#Compersion). Therefore, jealousy and possessiveness are generally viewed not so much as something to avoid or structure the relationships around, but as responses that should be explored, understood, and resolved within each individual, with compersion as a goal. Sharing of domestic burden[edit http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Polyamory&action=edit§ion=9] Claimed benefits of a polyamorous relationship include the following:[47] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#cite_note-47 The ability of parties to discuss issues with multiple partners has the potential to add mediation and stabilization to a relationship, and to reduce polarization of viewpoints. Emotional support and structure provided by other committed adults within the family unit. A wider range of experience, skills, resources, and perspectives that multiple adults bring to a family dynamic. The ability to share chores and child supervision, reducing domestic and child rearing pressure upon adults' time without needing to pay for outside child caregivers. Greatly reduced per capita cost of living. Increased financial stability; the loss of one income is not the entirety of the family income (if only one parent works), or half the family income (if both parents work), but may be far less. Specific issues affecting polyamorous relationships[edit http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Polyamory&action=edit§ion=10] Polyamorists cite the human tendency towards jealousy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy and possessiveness as major hurdles in polyamory, and also as personal limitations to overcome:[10] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#cite_note-guardian1-10 Possessiveness can be a major stumbling block, and often it prevents what could be a successful polyamourous relationship from forming. When people are viewed, even inadvertently, as possessions, they become a commodity, a valuable one at that. Just as most people are reluctant to let go of what little money that they have, people are also reluctant to "share" their beloved. After all, what if [their beloved] finds someone else who is more attractive/intelligent/well-liked/successful/etc.. than [themselves], and decides to abandon the relationship in favor of the new lover? These sorts of feelings act as inferiority complexes inside of polyamorous relationships and must be resolved, completely, before a polyamorous relationship can be truly successful.[48] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#cite_note-48 An editorial article on the polyamory website Polyamoryonline.org proposed in 2006 the following issues as being worthy of specific coverage and attention:[49] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#cite_note-49 Helping children cope with "being different". "Coming out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coming_out"; as polyamorous (and explaining polyamory) to children. Polyamorous parental interactions. Polyamory social settings (involving children). Legal (parenting) issues. The author, herself part of a polyamorous relationship with two other adults, comments that: The kids started realizing that there were three adults in the house that they had to answer to. Then came the onslaught of trying to 'befriend' a particular adult and get what they wanted from that one adult. Another big shock when they found that it didn't work and that we all communicated about wants or needs of any given child. After this was established, we sort of fell into our patterns of school, practices, just normal life in general. The kids all started realizing that there were three of us to care for them when they were sick, three of us to get scolded from, hugs from, tickles from; three of us to feed the small army of mouths and three of us to trust completely in. After trust was established, they asked more questions. Why do we have to live together? Why can't I have my own room? ... Why do you guys love each other? Why do I have to listen to them (non-biological parent)? We answered them as truthfully as we could and as much as was appropriate for their age. I found that it was more unnerving for me to think about how to approach a new kid and their parents than it ever was for the kids.[citation needed http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Citation_needed]
