--- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, ffia1120 <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
>
> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, "suziezuzie" <msilver1951@>
> wrote:
> >
> > My dad was an alcoholic. Naturally, I didn't realize this as a
> young
> > kid growing up but I knew he was different from other fathers. It
> was
> > about the age of 12 that I began to associate the bottle of
liquor
> he
> > consumed every night and the transformation that took place that
> > became his drunk personality. He was the angry silent drunk who
> after
> > dinner would go around slamming doors and arguing with anyone who
> > said the wrong thing. I remember my mom asking me if I wanted to
go
> > for a drive just to get out of the house. The funny thing is
> though,
> > that in the morning he never was hung over even after consuming
his
> > normal half bottle of Vodka the night before. He was perfectly
> > normal, open and articulate as he prepared himself for work. He
> owned
> > and ran an electronic wholesale business and successfully bought
up
> > cheap southern California property when it was cheap back in the
> > sixties. No one knew he was an alcoholic, no one except our
family.
> > He kicked my brother out of the house when he was 21 and
continued
> to
> > emotionally abuse my mother until that fateful day when I came
home
> > from school and was greeted by my aunt who informed me
> that, "you're
> > dad has died of a heart attack". He was only 59 but I suppose the
> > fast order food, drinking and smoking eventually caught up with
> him.
> > I remember the strange feeling of walking into my house and
seeing
> > all the people who worked for him along with friends. They all
> seemed
> > to be enjoying a cocktail party. I went into my room, laid down
on
> > the bed and pretended to be sad. My brother came in and gave me a
> hug
> > but I didn't feel anything possibly because there had been no
> > feelings between a son and a drunk. I've never felt anything
since
> > about him. My brother feels the same. My mother sometimes asks me
> if
> > I ever have any good memories of dad and I reply, "No, how can I,
> he
> > was a drunk".
> >
>
> My dad was an alcoholic who sexually abused me from the time I was
> around 4 or 5 until my early teens. Growing up, I was scared to
death
> of him and hated him with every fiber of my being. When I graduated
> from HS ('72), I got a factory job and saved every penny I could.
> After a year I had enough money to buy my own car, get an apt. and
> set out on my own. I was 19. I never thought about the abuse or
dealt
> with it in any way. I put it in a closet, so to speak, and shut the
> door.
>
> When I was in my early 30s I had to have vaginal surgery to fix the
> damage done by my dad. It took me another 8 years to get up enough
> nerve to get into therapy and deal with the abuse. It was extremely
> difficult to dredge up the past and release all those ghosts I had
> kept under lock and key for so long. It took another 2 years to get
> up the courage to confront my dad about the abuse. When I look back
> on it now, I am amazed that I had the nerve to confront this person
I
> had feared my entire life. Immediately, my dad denied it ever
> happened. After 2 days, however, he said to my distraught
mother, "I
> did to her what had been done to me when I was a kid." When my
mother
> relayed this information to me, I felt the weight of the world lift
> from my shoulders. I look at that moment as one of the major
turning
> points in my life. I thought my dad had abused me because he hated
> me -- I thought he had some personal vendetta against me. But he
had
> sexually abused me because he himself had been sexually abused as a
> child. This is a very common occurence, although not everyone who
has
> been abused grows up to abuse others.
>
> The next time I saw my dad (about a year later) he walked up to me,
> placed his hands on my shoulders, and apologized for what he had
> done. And, amazingly enough, I was able to forgive him a few months
> later. I understood what had motivated him and how his pain, anger
> and rage at his abuse had turned into his abuse of me. I can't
begin
> to tell you how liberating it was to know and understand
this "cause
> and effect" aspect of the abuse.
>
> Suziesuzie, I know and understand what lies beneath your feelings
of
> having "no feelings" towards your dad. Who knows what events in his
> past caused him to find relief and solace in a bottle of vodka. I
am
> not trying to make excuses for your dad -- just trying to offer an
> explanation as to why he was the obviously unhappy person he was.
As
> part of my therapy many years ago, I wrote lots of letters to my
dad
> where I expressed all the feelings of anger and rage that I had
kept
> buried for years. (I did not mail any of them.) I found writing out
> my buried emotions to be a very safe and effective way to deal with
> the anger I felt towards him. Putting it down on paper took it out
of
> my physical and emotional body and released it onto the page.
>
> When I think about my dad today (he died 5 years ago at the age of
> 82), I mostly feel sorry for him. Sorry that he did not get to heal
> the wounded child that had grown into a wounded adult. I pray that
in
> his next lifetime he gets born into a family that loves and
supports
> him unconditionally. He deserves that.
Great letter. Thanks a lot. Mark
