--- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, ffia1120 <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, "suziezuzie" <msilver1951@> > wrote: > > > > My dad was an alcoholic. Naturally, I didn't realize this as a > young > > kid growing up but I knew he was different from other fathers. It > was > > about the age of 12 that I began to associate the bottle of liquor > he > > consumed every night and the transformation that took place that > > became his drunk personality. He was the angry silent drunk who > after > > dinner would go around slamming doors and arguing with anyone who > > said the wrong thing. I remember my mom asking me if I wanted to go > > for a drive just to get out of the house. The funny thing is > though, > > that in the morning he never was hung over even after consuming his > > normal half bottle of Vodka the night before. He was perfectly > > normal, open and articulate as he prepared himself for work. He > owned > > and ran an electronic wholesale business and successfully bought up > > cheap southern California property when it was cheap back in the > > sixties. No one knew he was an alcoholic, no one except our family. > > He kicked my brother out of the house when he was 21 and continued > to > > emotionally abuse my mother until that fateful day when I came home > > from school and was greeted by my aunt who informed me > that, "you're > > dad has died of a heart attack". He was only 59 but I suppose the > > fast order food, drinking and smoking eventually caught up with > him. > > I remember the strange feeling of walking into my house and seeing > > all the people who worked for him along with friends. They all > seemed > > to be enjoying a cocktail party. I went into my room, laid down on > > the bed and pretended to be sad. My brother came in and gave me a > hug > > but I didn't feel anything possibly because there had been no > > feelings between a son and a drunk. I've never felt anything since > > about him. My brother feels the same. My mother sometimes asks me > if > > I ever have any good memories of dad and I reply, "No, how can I, > he > > was a drunk". > > > > My dad was an alcoholic who sexually abused me from the time I was > around 4 or 5 until my early teens. Growing up, I was scared to death > of him and hated him with every fiber of my being. When I graduated > from HS ('72), I got a factory job and saved every penny I could. > After a year I had enough money to buy my own car, get an apt. and > set out on my own. I was 19. I never thought about the abuse or dealt > with it in any way. I put it in a closet, so to speak, and shut the > door. > > When I was in my early 30s I had to have vaginal surgery to fix the > damage done by my dad. It took me another 8 years to get up enough > nerve to get into therapy and deal with the abuse. It was extremely > difficult to dredge up the past and release all those ghosts I had > kept under lock and key for so long. It took another 2 years to get > up the courage to confront my dad about the abuse. When I look back > on it now, I am amazed that I had the nerve to confront this person I > had feared my entire life. Immediately, my dad denied it ever > happened. After 2 days, however, he said to my distraught mother, "I > did to her what had been done to me when I was a kid." When my mother > relayed this information to me, I felt the weight of the world lift > from my shoulders. I look at that moment as one of the major turning > points in my life. I thought my dad had abused me because he hated > me -- I thought he had some personal vendetta against me. But he had > sexually abused me because he himself had been sexually abused as a > child. This is a very common occurence, although not everyone who has > been abused grows up to abuse others. > > The next time I saw my dad (about a year later) he walked up to me, > placed his hands on my shoulders, and apologized for what he had > done. And, amazingly enough, I was able to forgive him a few months > later. I understood what had motivated him and how his pain, anger > and rage at his abuse had turned into his abuse of me. I can't begin > to tell you how liberating it was to know and understand this "cause > and effect" aspect of the abuse. > > Suziesuzie, I know and understand what lies beneath your feelings of > having "no feelings" towards your dad. Who knows what events in his > past caused him to find relief and solace in a bottle of vodka. I am > not trying to make excuses for your dad -- just trying to offer an > explanation as to why he was the obviously unhappy person he was. As > part of my therapy many years ago, I wrote lots of letters to my dad > where I expressed all the feelings of anger and rage that I had kept > buried for years. (I did not mail any of them.) I found writing out > my buried emotions to be a very safe and effective way to deal with > the anger I felt towards him. Putting it down on paper took it out of > my physical and emotional body and released it onto the page. > > When I think about my dad today (he died 5 years ago at the age of > 82), I mostly feel sorry for him. Sorry that he did not get to heal > the wounded child that had grown into a wounded adult. I pray that in > his next lifetime he gets born into a family that loves and supports > him unconditionally. He deserves that.
Great letter. Thanks a lot. Mark