Jim, your story is so simple and humble and shining and compelling. It brought
tears to my eyes. This inspires me. Thank you for a drink of pure bliss.
Bronte
jim_flanegin <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
So, let me try to figure this out
What happened to me, and my view
of the world, from the spring of 2005, onward?
Did I lose my mind? No, I don't think so. If I had, rational thought
would be difficult or impossible to maintain, at a minimum
distorted, which it isn't. And I validate that by interacting very
successfully, socially and economically, in the world, every day.
Did I lose, or kill, my ego? Nope. Still just me. Even more `just
me' than there was before. Less cluttered. More relaxed.
Did desires go away? Nope, still here. Actually nice, round, clear
ones. Quiet and subtle. Some rising to fruition, others being
silently entertained, by choice. Any so called bad habits? Yeah, a
couple. Actually, make that about five. No confessional today,
folks. Good habits? Yep, plenty of them.
My body is still here, and that is pretty easy to verify. Pinch.
Ouch!
Everyone who knows me still calls me by name. My dad, who I just saw
a month ago, would swear it was still me, the kid he raised, and the
man he has known for several decades.
So, a lot appears the same. And yet, life is utterly and completely
different, now. And as I move forward through space and time, it
keeps getting clearer and clearer, in the utterly different
direction. What is different?
My mind. I am not sure it applies to call it mine any longer. It
functions perfectly when I need it; I can write descriptively, and
clearly. I can form concepts with it. I can manage an entire
department at a company with it. I can form and sustain
relationships with it. I can chart the direction, and change the
direction, of my life with it. And yet, I can no longer call
it `mine'. Because when I don't need to use it, it goes away. Poof!
No mind.
And that happens to be a lot of the time. Poof. Just sitting here,
watching pictures come in through my eyes, made sense of by the
chemo-mechanical action of my brain, and `my' mind doesn't do
anything. It is no longer compelled to give me an interpretation of
what is captured by the senses. It just doesn't exist.
Is there silence where there used to be `my' mind? I don't know,
because to qualify it and quantify it means there is something
there, and there isn't. Only when I need it does `my' mind appear,
does what work I request, and then it disappears, as perfectly as if
it never existed at all.
I can't even believe I am writing this, because honestly, my mind
used to be mine; existing all the time. Now it is a wondrous and
magical tool, brilliant and useful, but no longer always there, just
hanging around, jabbering to itself. More like a tool in a toolbox,
effortlessly summoned to do the job at hand, and then retired again.
My ego. My sense of who I am. That sure didn't die, as many here
will attest. I can relate when people talk about passion, and likes
and dislikes. Nothing dispassionate about me, or my feelings.
Anything different there? I am going to draw on the old analogy
about impressions left on the nervous system; first carved in stone,
then drawn through sand, and finally, like a stick or a finger
through water, leaving a few ripples. It doesn't much matter what I
do or what I am exposed to.
I find myself living a much richer and fuller life, like all the
colors in my life suddenly got a lot brighter. Like smoking a fresh,
skunky, crystalline bud, only without any impairment, no side
effects. I enjoy everything I do a lot more, with boundless self
confidence, and a larger, much more flexible personality. I am able
to tune situations to my liking, and the liking of others, much more
easily now.
So, since I didn't go away, what changed? I've been turning this
over in `my' mind off and on all day, and what happened was Self
Realization, in the spring of 2005. And though I've heard the term
Self realization many times, how can I describe it, experientially?
The closest analogy I can come up with is what we call instinct in
animals, an effortless way of acting that bypasses any
interpretation, any filtering, any ownership, and just is. Not
purely reaction though. It includes the ability to be even more
human than the best we can achieve all by ourselves. Because there
is no longer a boundary in consciousness, separating what truly is,
the raw nakedness of life itself, and just me, now the empty minded.
This immediacy allows me to enjoy an almost unbelievable richness in
life, validating what the sages have written and spoken about since
time began, and living life's rich pageant in all of its subtlety
and glory. Like walking into a Baskin Robbins ice cream parlor, and
discovering that they now have ten million flavors, and every one is
exquisite.
And yet, once I have tried flavor eighty three thousand, seven
hundred and forty one, and it was just perfect, I find that I lose
interest in it as soon as it is completely experienced. No
impression left, except for a memory. Not much attachment at all.
So what does not much attachment, or non-attachment, mean? How is
that even possible? Have I convinced myself that everything is just
too much trouble to hold on to, or that at the age of 53, I've
experienced everything at least once, and `seen one, seen `em all'?
What I think it means is, referring back to Self Realization, that I
now identify with life's essence (which includes death's essence as
well, btw), or whatever common denominator is found in the entire
universe, known and unknown, and that is who I am now. Not who I
think I am, but through a hard-won yet miraculous transformation,
this is all that is left.
And it grows. This Self Realization continues to overtake any
vestiges, any crumbs that were left over, any remaining stories and
assumptions, remaking them quickly and steadily, silently
transforming my personality, and my external life, just as daylight
increases after the Winter solstice at a rate of about three minutes
per day. Almost unnoticeable, yet fully dynamic, always expanding.
The best part is, I get to keep everything I win. For good.
A good example of keeping my Self Realization treasure is the effect
on `my' mind-- the one from the toolbox. Remember what I said about
the mind I use? That I use it and then it disappears when no longer
being used? Well, all of the growing clarity and expansion that
continues to occur once this Self Realization happens, is available
to me, each and every time I use `my' mind.
I want to use it, and wow! It has all this neat stuff in it this
time around! Without all the stories and filters and boundaries and
attachments that were gumming up the works, knowledge accumulates at
an astounding rate. I put my attention on something, and before too
long, depending on the amount of knowledge contained in the object,
I know it, fully and completely, or at least until my consciousness
expands to take yet more of it in.
I mentioned what we call death several paragraphs ago. I've been
curious about it, and since I had this Self Realization, I've
decided I could find out what it is, without needing to `drop the
body' as the expression goes. Someone said that if we knew the
reality of life, we'd weep about birth, and rejoice about death.
What a crazy thing to consider, right? Absolutely stands life on its
head, right? Crazy talk. And yet, I felt through the great absence
of fear in my system, the fear that I have stopped lugging around,
that it was time to confront death, stare it in the face, shake
hands with it, good on ya, mate.
So I started doing that, a little bit here and a little bit there.
Got a great big cloud of death that I was able to sit in, about two
days ago, while driving on the freeway to San Francisco, and passing
a huge military cemetery, with row upon row upon row of white
headstones, thousands, some in light and some in shadow. As I
passed, a lot of the energy of the dying, the screaming deaths, the
violent deaths of war, each man leaving, greatly wounded and sad,
came inside me, and I felt instantly the immensity of all of that
war borne death. Looked at it this way and that; a three dimensional
model of the blood, the screams, the wounds, the khaki, and the
frozen faces.
After than experience, and all of this happened quickly, I had my
business appointment in the City and left, spent several more hours
in the office, came home, and saw what death was. I finally
recognized, after my experience with the cemetery, that most of us
are afraid of the moment of dying, the ways we can die, and that the
fear of dying obscures the reality of death.
Because when I saw the reality of death, the full bright reality of
death, it was a love from the universe, from God, so complete and so
full of the brightest, most transcendent light and life and love,
overwhelming love, that I saw, that it drowns out even the great
loss we can feel upon leaving our loved ones on earth. It transcends
all of the love we feel here on earth, like the power of the sun
compared to a candle. No shadows.
Is this great, all encompassing love available while we are here on
earth? Sure, yes, absolutely. And do I want to die now? Absolutely
not, no, no f'ing way!!! This was not a death wish. Merely
presenting an example that all things can be known, all desires
fulfilled, once Self Realization dawns.
Last, I apologize for my past anger towards those who questioned my
experience of Self Realization here, which I gladly have shared as
it has happened, and as it has grown. The experience of Self
Realization was so immediate and so clearonce I was there, it was
like, and is, another world, never to return; free at last. One
minute all bound up, and the next, all bonds cut, sliced off, no
boundaries, no stories, no nothing. That fast, and that dramatic.
And yet at first I was like a kid learning to ride a bicycle, still
learning what everything felt like anew, and looked like anew. And
wanting to shout that the way to eternal freedom had been found, and
that for anyone it was a lasting, permanent and solid reality of
everything the universe has to offer. The mood makers and skeptics
are wrongeven `average joes' like me can do it!
And so when I proclaimed this glaringly Self-evident reality, this
eternal truth, and people questioned me, it was hugely frustrating.
Here was something I loved more than anything in the world, Self
Realization, and wanted to share the good news with everyone, and
surprise to me, people doubted my experience! What? It was like
seeing the most beautiful palace on earth and pointing it out, plain
as day, and having people shrug, and reply, "nope, don't see it
".
Seems like a big joke to me now. And the doubters greatly helped me
increase my clarity around what it is I am experiencing. It goes on,
it expands, it changes delightfully, and it is the Self, realized
and immortal.
Not much more to say this time around, except a big Jai Guru
Dev, which I say, because it is this wonderful saint who I have
grown to know so well, who gathered up all of my fears, and gave me
a safe place to land, time, after time, after time. And thank you
all here on FFL for giving me a precious place with which to express
these special thoughts. Jai Guru Dev, to each and every one of you.
:-)
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