I know how you are suffering about Suzi. I know you think it was a "sign" that she didn't want to go to the vet that day. Most cats will fight the carrier, you know that. It may have been a sign, but how were you to know? I'm so sorry you lost her like that, and I know it hurts even more because you feel you were the cause. Every single time I bring a cat or dog in to be neutered, I worry. We all do. There are so many things we can't know. You certainly can't know what would have become of her if you hadn't rescued her. Being someone familiar with ferals, I know that you have first hand knowledge of the hardships they endure. Suzi's death does seem untimely, (who are we to say?), but I have witnessed terrible suffering, and at least you know that she was spared much worse fates. There's nothing I can say to make you feel better about what happened, I wouldn't even try. I don't know why doing God's work should entail so much pain, but it does. Rescue is not for the faint of heart. We have to be strong for the ones that we can help. Stop beating yourself up, it's an affront to all those you've helped and are helping. I don't expect you to stop second guessing the decisions you make, but decisions have to be made every day. Continue to make them from a place of love. You and those you help are in this together. Fear is our enemy, as much as cruelty and ignorance. We have so little control, you can't give up even more of it by binding yourself with fear. When you find yourself facing a decision you have to make, trust your heart. You can't do that if you let your judgment be clouded with insecurities based on fear of what you can't know. Your babies are depending on you to make those decisions from a place of strength. Calm yourself and concentrate instead on all the decisions you've made that have had beneficial outcomes. If you still feel that what you are doing is somehow wrong, learn from the past and trust that judgement. That will be Suzi's legacy. We have to hold on to the happy miracles we help create, otherwise we won't be able to continue to help our sweet deserving friends. I don't know if you believe in a higher power, but when I'm faced with the unknown, I always pray for help and guidance. It's not an easy life we've chosen, but what you do is so worthwhile. Remember that.
Much love, Nina
Hideyo Yamamoto wrote:
Michelle, I know exactly how you feel - every time I lose someone, I so
wish I would have done/wouldn't have done - I torture myself for
thinking all the time.
When I lost Suzi a several month ago, I regretted so much for what I
did, and I still cry missing her every single night. Suzi was a healthy
sweet baby, and took her to spaying one day (on July 17th), and I never
saw her alive after that. She woke up from the anthesia, but something
happened and she stopped breathing - I was SO not ready not to see her
again. I never had a chance to say good bye to her as I was only
planning to see her in an hour - I wish I never brought her for surgery
that day, as I was not scheduled to do originally until the vet called
for an opening due to cancellation. That morning, when I tried to take
her, she one time escaped from the carrier, and I chased her and forced
her to go into the carrier - that was a sign - I wish I never brought
her - I just miss her too much and it hurts - if I never rescued her,
she would be still alive and I ended her life - she did not want to go
to the vet that day -
I pray every day that her soul will come back in another life again soon so that I will have a 2nd chance to take care of her - and you, too, Michelle, you will meet Simon again.
-----Original Message----- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of [EMAIL PROTECTED] Sent: Thursday, February 17, 2005 7:58 AM To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Subject: Re: Gary's anemia treatment
I have really been wishing, now, that Simon was able to get that
transfusion the day before he died. he freaked out and needed to be put in an oxygen
tent, and they said it could kill him to keep trying or sedate him in his condition. Afterwards I felt horrible that I had even tried. Now I feel
horrible he didn't get it, since Gary's HCT was just as low as his was, or almost. I
don't know why I keep going over this, as I can not bring him back now, but I
do.
I found out yesterday at the shelter he came from that he was 4.5 or 5, rather than just 4 as I had thought. So he got at least another 6 months
more of his joyful life than I had thought.
I also found out that my Ginger, who I thought was about 4, is actually
at least 5.5 and possibly 6. This made me happy to know she has made it so
far, though of course a little scared because that is getting up there for a
positive.
Michelle
