This message is from: Mike May <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Guess we can be glad we have Fjords!
By Robert Kirby If you wish to be emotionally fashionable these days, you have to be able to talk to horses. Prompted by the movie ``The Horse Whisperer,'' hoss psychotherapy is the latest in Hollywood emotes. The movie has spawned public interest in real-life horse whisperers, people who specialize in helping troubled horses with channeling problems and/or past-life regression issues. This being the New Age, no horse is happy without a 12-step program. Although I still hesitate to talk about it, I was once a horse whisperer. OK, more of a horse screamer. It's basically the same thing, only not as romantic as the movie makes it look. Nor did it involve a torrid affair with a beautiful woman. It happened while I was a cop in a rural town. One day I tried to impound a stray horse. The horse, which, judging from appearances, may really have been just a tall weasel, cooperated up to the point of being driven into a pasture. Then it leaned over the fence and bit me on top of the shoulder. For the benefit of the inexperienced, horse bites differ significantly from mosquito bites. For one thing, horses are much bigger. You know right away when one lands on you. Also, they have mossy teeth the size of garage doors. Although pain and time have blurred the exact nature of my emotional interaction with this mentally unstable creature, I still remember the gist of it. Doctor Doolittle with a gun. Me: ``[expletives deleted, including many invented for the occasion]!'' Horse: ``Ha! Come over by the fence again, tough guy.'' So you see, whether being ridden by John Wayne, or necked with by Robert Redford, horses are not the wild and romantic conversationalists portrayed in the movies. On the other hand, would you go see something called ``The Duck Whisperer?'' Before Hollywood gets the idea that a sequel to ``The Horse Whisperer'' is a good idea, we should examine the options and/or the need of conversing with other animals. In addition to the aforementioned horse, I have whispered, screamed, threatened, cajoled and pleaded with other animals. Here is what little I learned. Puppy: Talking to a puppy is a huge waste of time. The topic revolves entirely around the most inconvenient place to go to the bathroom. Fish: Very poor listeners. Possibly because they live underwater, but more likely because they do not have ears. Cat: As previously explained in this column, demonic possession makes cats poor conversationalists. Bug: Little is known about bug-human dialogue. Probably because those who try it for any length of time end up heavily medicated by order of some court. Turkey: Although many women would pay to see Robert Redford in ``The Turkey Whisperer,'' it will not happen. Turkeys talk a lot, but they do not say anything meaningful. Pig: Forget it. Those willing to talk are still mad at Hollywood over ``Deliverance.'' Cow: Don't bother. What powers of elocution cows possess are completely devoted to ``Huh?'' Yak: See above, only worse. Snake: Any conversation is usually in the form of mean-spirited gossip. Chicken: Technically not an animal. Think potato with a beak. Giga Pet: Although not an animal either, today's virtual pet still has more upper-level reasoning ability than a chicken (and even most Hollywood directors). Rock: At one time the pet of choice, most people today find rocks indifferent and self-absorbed. One final and important note. Unlike the movie, if you are looking for romance with a highly attractive member of your own species, be careful who sees you whispering to the animals.
