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Tanpa banyak komen, enjoy aja jokesnya, yah?? B^)
*** Jokes begin ***
source: Bob Dude
Berikut ini adalah pepatah2 orang bule yg diplesetkan...hehehe...
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the fuck
alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
8. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.
11. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.
12. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
13. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was
probably worth it.
15. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
16. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
17. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
18. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will spend the grocery money on graphite rods and buzzbaits.
19. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
20. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
21. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
23. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
24. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
25. Don't squat with your spurs on.
26. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
27. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
29. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
30. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
31. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it
holds the universe together.
32. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
33. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
***
source: Iwan H
Do you have any comment ?
A man wants to have a WIFE because she can make his life:
W Wonderful
I Interesting
F Fascinating
E Extraordinary
But a woman will have to be extra careful in finding a HUSBAND,because he
might be:
H Hopeless
U Unaccountable
S Senseless
B Boring
A Authoritative
N Nuisance
D Discriminative
Why does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because she can provide:
W Washing
I Ironing
F Food
E Entertainment
FREE OF CHARGE!!!!
Why does a woman wanna have a HUSBAND?
Because he is expected to:
H House her
U Understand her
S Share everything with her
B Buy anything for her
A and
N Never
D Demand anything from her!!!!!!!!
***
source: Budyesa
[X]
Suatu hari ada 2 orang sedang membeli nasi goreng :
orang 1 : Bang tolong buatin nasi goreng
Tk.nasi : Pake telor pak
Orang 1 : Pake bang tapi telorya dipisah ya bang
Tk. Nasi : Ya pak,
Orang 2: Bang saya juga minta nasi goreng ya
tk. nasi : Pake telor juga pak
Orang 2 : pake pak
tk nasi : Telornya dicampur apa dipisah pak
orang 2 : Telornya dipisah bang tapi jangan jauh - jauh bang
===
Detik.com, 19 April 2000 Jam 08.10
Sudah diketahui oleh khalayak umum, bahwa dalam proses perceraiannya Dessy
tidak akan mengeluarkan pernyataan untuk kalangan insan pers dan selalu
menunjuk kepada pengacaranya setiap ada desakan dari kalangan pers.
Setelah sidang pertama ditunda cukup lama oleh pengadilan Agama di Sukabumi,
rupanya sang Hakim sempat berbincang-bincang dengan Sang Putri dari Sukabumi
dan hasil bincang2 dengan sang Hakim berhasil digali oleh Wartawan Detik.com
inilah kutipannya.
Hakim : Sebenarnya apa yang menjadi alasan sehingga kamu menuntut cerai dari
suamimu, padahal pernikahan itu belum berumur lama.?.
Dessy : "Begini Pak Hakim terus terang saya sudah tidak suka lagi sama suami
saya, pak Hakim"
Hakim : "Iya itu tadi yang saya tanyakan ialah apa yang menjadi alasan Sdri
Dessy sehingga kamu merasa tidak suka lagi sama suamimu, apa kamu dulunya
belum tahu siapa suamimu itu..?". (sedikit mendesak).
Dessy : "Begini pak hakim, (sambil sedikit tersedak menahan tangis)
masalahnya sejak setelah malam pertama itu suami saya tidak pernah lagi
memberikan nafkah batin sama saya".
Hakim : "Gimana dengan nafkah lahir-nya" desak pak Hakim.
Dessy : "Maaf kalau masalah yang itu sih sepertinya lancar-lancar saja pak
Hakim".
Hakim : (merenung sejenak), dan selanjutnya Dessy di minta untuk mendekat
ke mejanya, setengah berbisik Hakim berkata pada wanita tadi. "Kalau
masalahnya cuman itu, saran saya lebih baik kalau kamu batalkan saja
tuntutan cerai ini.
Hakim : "Saya ada solusinya .......Saya usulkan sementara urusan nafkah
lahir biar suamimu yang memenuhi sedangkan urusan nafkah batin biar Saya
yang urus, bereskan !!!"
[dasar hakim bejaaatttt...kekekkee...]
***
source: Bambang A
[X]
Ada 2 dokter kandungan yang berpraktek berdekatan yang satu masih muda dan
yang satu sudah sangat tua.
Dokter yang sudah tua banyak sekali pasiennya shg membuat dokter yang muda
penasaran kenapa bisa sampai banyak begitu pasiennya si tua.
Ternyata setelah diselidiki dokter tua itu punya penyakit tremor dan sewaktu
memeriksa pasiennya tangannya bergetar didalamnya shg itu yang disukai
pasiennya...he..he..he.......
[yg masih kecil dan gak tau lucunya, gak perlu tau, kekekek....]
***
source: Adri A
Harusnya Suharto pantas dihadiahi nobel, ngkali.
* Suharto semasa kecilnya adalah seorang yang ahli matematika. Dia
dikagumi oleh gurunya. Dia sangat ahli untuk pelajaran TAMBAH-MENAMBAHI;
KURANG-MENGURANGI; KALI-MENGALI. Tapi ketika pokok bahasan BAGI-MEMBAGI, dia
bolos. Jadi maklum saja kalau dia tidak pernah berhasil dalam BAGI-BAGIAN
(baca: pemerataan)
* SOEKARNO GILA WANITA; SOEHARTO GILA HARTA; HABIBIE GILA AJA
* SOEKARNO PENYAMBUNG LIDAH RAKYAT; SOEHARTO PENYAMBUNG LIDAH
KELUARGA; HABIBIE PENYAMBUNG LIDAH SOEHARTO.
***
source: Cybercheeze
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice
cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her
chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
===
[translated]
[X]
Seorang lelaki bercerita kepada temannya,"Aku teringat ketika pertama kali
aku menggunakan alkohol sebagai pengganti wanita.."
"Oh, ya?? Apa yg terjadi??"tanya temennya...
Jawab si lelaki,"Well...ternyata anuku kejepit di leher botol..!!"
***
source: Irvine
Disebuah proyek pembangunan apartement, ada 3 orank tukang yang lagi makan
siang
Tukang 1 : yah ampun!!!! roti isi telor lagi!!! TELOR TELOR TELORRR
terussss!!!!!, kalo besok gue masih dibawain roti isi telor lagi, gue
bakalan loncat dari gedung atas!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tukang 2 : NASI UDUk, NASI UDUK, NASI UDUK terus!!!!!!!!!!!, bisa gila nih
gue!!!! kalo besok masih nasi uduk, gue bakalan bunuh diri!
Tukang 3 : ROTI SELAI KACANG???????, tyappppp hari gue makan roti selei
kacang!!!, kalo besok masih selei kacang juga gue bakalan ikutan loncat
bareng elo berdua!!!!
Besoknya, si tukang pertama dibawain roti isi telor lagi, tukang kedua, bawa
nasi uduk lagi, dan tukang ketiga juga roti selei kacang lagi, akhirnya,
mereka bertiga loncat dari gedung!!!!
Dipemakaman, ke3 istri tukang2 itu, sediiiihhhhh bgt
Istri 1 : kalo aja saya tau dia ngga mao makan roti isi telor, pasti udah
saya bikinin yang laen....
Istri 2 : kalo aja dia bilang dia bosen sama nasi uduk, pasti ngga bakalan
begini jadinya........
Istri 3 : saya binggung kenapa suami saya bunuh diri, dia selalu bikin
bekalnya sendiri........
[emang pengen bunuh diri aja, kali yah?? kekeke...]
***
source: Eko S
[X]
Seorang pria mendatangi dokter dan meminta viagra. "Minumlah 2 jam sebelum
berhubungan," kata si dokter.
Si pria menelpon istrinya yang sedang belanja dan menanyakan kapan ia
pulang. Karena istrinya pulang sebentar lagi, si pria langsung meminum
viagra itu.
Setelah ditunggu satu jam, si istri tidak datang-datang juga. Akhirnya si
pria menelponnya. "Sori, ya, say, aku kena macet total. Kayaknya baru satu
jam lagi aku sampai!" kata istrinya.
Karena merasa sayang, si pria menelpon dokternya, "Dok, gimana, nih, istri
saya baru pulang satu jam
lagi. Sayang kan viagranya?"
Si dokter berpikir sebentar, "Anda punya pembantu?"
SI pria mengiyakan.
"Ya udah, kalau gitu Anda main aja dahulu dengan pembantu Anda!" saran
dokternya.
"Tapi, dok, kalau ama dia , sih, saya nggak perlu viagra!"
[dasar tukang serong!!]
***
source: Eva
[X]
Dua sahabat bertemu disebuah kantor, salah satu dari mereka adalah ahli
pembuat robot.
Patrick: "Hay, sobat, apa kabar?"
Si Jono: "Saya baik-baik. Selamat, sekretarismu cantik sekali!"
Patrick: "Saya gembira kamu menyukainya. Tapi percaya atau tidak, dia itu
robot!"
Si Jono: "Mana mungkin, kok bisa?"
Patrick: "Benar.....! Dia model terakhir dari Jepang. Aku beritahu kamu cara
dia bekerja. Jika kamu memeras dada sebelah kirimya, dia akan membaca. Jika
kamu memeras dada sebelah kanannya, dia akan mengetik . Dan bukan itu saja,
bahkan dia bisa bermain cinta juga!"
Si Jono: "Ah......., kamu bercanda ya?"
Patrick: "Tidak, memang begitu adanya, bahkan kamu boleh mencobanya..
Lalu Si Jono membawanya keruangan istirahat dan mereka disitu beberapa saat.
Tiba-tiba, dia mendengar jeritan Si
Jono:"Aiiiiiiiih........!Tolooong........!
Patrick: "Sial! Aku lupa memberitahunya kalau 'bagian belakang'nya adalah
rautan pensil!"
***
source: Jtapke
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer,
both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the
room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each
side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly,
smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher
would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also
puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he
particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long,
uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior
that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died
between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
***
source: Spamgodess
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened
up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of
all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
*** End of Jokes ***
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