=========================== F R I E N D S H I P =========================== Original Sender : "M Fahmi Aulia" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> ----------------------------------------------------------------
*** Jokes begin *** source: Aris [jokes lama, sorry kalo pernah baca] Jadi Duit --------- Seorang petani datang kepada seorang dukun..... Petani :"Mbah,berkali-kali hasil panen saya tidak pernah jadi duit. Menurut Mbah apa yang harus saya lakukan?" Dukun :"Jual saja sawahmu,pasti jadi duit!" Petani :"matur nuwun,Mbah."(Kalau begini aja ponakan gue juga bisa,huh!) === Pekerjaan --------- Pak polisi menginterogasi seorang pencuri.... Polisi :"Kenapa kamu mencuri?" Pencuri:"Karena diajak teman,Pak". Polisi :"Lho,kenapa kamu mau ?" Pencuri:"karena memang sudah pekerjaan saya kok,Pak" === Pengakuan --------- Tiga arwah berbincang dalam menunggu pengadilan.Ketiganya meninggal pada 10 november 45 Arwah 1 :Aku mati ditembak tentara gurkha Arwah 2 :Aku mati waktu duel dengan perwira Belanda Arwah 3 :Aku mati di pangkuan Nyai Belanda selagi suka-suka. Mudah-mudahan aku masih dibilang pahlawan...hihihi Arwah1+2:Pale lu.....!!!!! === Wejangan -------- Kakek : "Hidup ini singkat. Di dunia ini kita bagai mampir minum saja." Cucu : "lho,lalu makannya di mana ?" Kakek : "wah,kritis juga nih bocah"(sambil manggut-manggut) === Akal Anak Kecil --------------- Bu tutik menyesali anak sulungnya yang membiarkan adiknya makan obat nyamuk yang berakibat fatal. Dengan terisak dia bilang pada anak sulungnya itu.... Bu Tutik :"Kenapa kalau tahu adikmu makan obat nyamuk kamu biarkan saja?" Anak :"Kalau kucegah kan minta roti yang sedang kumakan!" Bu Tutik ;"!@...0876%???//!!!! (Bu Tutik marah sampai darahnya mendidih 150C") === Pengecualian ------------ Sang ibu sedang menasehati anaknya...... Ibu :"Bagaimanapun pekerjaan mengintip itu tidak baik,coba gara-gara mengintip sampai terjadi pembunuhan,celaka kan!" Anak :"bagaimana kalau aku misalnya mengintip Bapak sedang pacaran dengan perempuan lain kemudian kulaporkan pada ibu ?" Ibu :"Oh,kalau itu suatu pengecualian ,Nak". === Terlalu cinta ------------- Sang mertua bertanya kepada menantu perempuannya yang telah tega menyiram wajah suaminya dengan air panas.... Mertua :"Memangnya kamu sudah tidak cinta lagi dengan suamimu?" Istri :"justru saya sangat mencintai dia ,Mak,karenanya kalau meloncot begini kan bisa lama tinggal di rumah ya nggak !" Mertua :"Oaalah mantu,kamu kok kebangetan "(lalu pingsan sambil berdiri) === Dipaksa ------- Mariyem bilang sama Yu Minah kalau dirinya dipaksa orang tuanya untuk dikawinkan dengan Dul Bagus...... Yu Minah :"Memangnya kamu tidak suka sama Dul Bagus? Kan orangnya ganteng ?" Mariyem :"Iya....aa,maksud saya nggak usah memaksa-maksa saya.Tanpa dipaksa pun saya mau kok." yu Minah :"O...oo,mate lu copot!" === Perlu Pengorbanan ----------------- Sepasang pengantin baru ,memadu kasih dalam kamarnya. Dengan lembut tiba-tiba sang istri bertanya,"Setelah kita jadi suami isteri apa rencanamu nanti,Mas?" Diciumnya pipi sang istri,lalu katanya,"Setelah ini saya harapkan dalam waktu dekat aku bisa memperistri adikmu,kamu harus rela,kau mencintaiku bukan? Bukankah cinta itu perlu pengorbanan ?" (Sang istri langsung pingsan seminggu). === Reinkarnasi ----------- Sumi janda bahenol yang baru ditinggal mati suaminya ini bertanya kepada Dul Kemplo,tetangganya...... Sumi :"Dul,apa kamu percaya reinkarnasi?" Dul :"Ooo..tentu,aku ini kan reinkarnasi dari suamimu,jadi kamu harus mau kawin dengan aku agar kamu selalu dekat dengan suamimu..hehehe.. Sumi :"Enak aja...,dasar buaye mata ember,Lu !" *** source: Abie Sandiwara --------- Ketika laki-laki pemain sandiwara itu ketangkap basah oleh istrinya sedang memangku seorang gadis,dia beralasan sedang latihan sandiwara. Serta merta sang istri mengangkat gunting di tangannya akan menusukkan ke arah suaminya sambil berkata lantang,"Baik aku juga ingin menghayati bagaimana aku harus memerankan seorang pembunuh berdarah dingin dengan baik ,ini terimalah...... Sebelum gunting menghampiri dirinya,laki- laki itu sudah melesat terbirit-birit bersama WIL-nya === Jual Beli --------- Parno heran melihat Koming yang bisa bertahan hidup meskipun tidak pernah bekerja.... Parno :"Kok kamu bisa hidup tanpa bekerja,sih?" Koming :"Kamu tidak tahu kalau aku ini punya usaha jual beli ?" Parno :"Jual beli apa?" Koming :"Lho,ya jual pakaian, celanaku serta celana tetangga dan beli makanan." Parno :"Oooo..Dasar."Makanya kalau nggak salah celanaku hilang satu." === Kalau Hantu Lagi Nglamar ------------------------ Joko bertandang ke rumah gadis yang dikenalnya semalam sesuai petunjuk alamat yang diberikan kepadanya.Ketika bertemu dengan ortu si gadis dengan penuh harap Joko bilang ..... Joko :"Maaf Pak,semalam saya berkenalan dengan yayuk, anak Bapak.Entahlah saat itu juga saya jatuh hati kepadanya dan yayuk sendiri sudah bersedia menjadi pendamping saya."Untuk itulah saya datang kemari untuk melamar Yayuk." Ortu :"Lho,lha wong Yayuk itu sudah meninggal tujuh hari yang lalu karena kecelakaan!" Joko :"Tidak apa-apa Pak,saya sendiri juga sudah meninggal seratus hari yang lalu." Ortu :Jjjja..di.....(Sang ortu pingsan sambil duduk) === Baju ---- Pak Welas termenung di pinggir kali seorang diri walaupun hari mulai gelap.Seorang hansip menghampiri dan menegurnya.... Hansip :"Sudah gelap kok masih di sini ?" P.Welas:"Baju anak saya hilang di sungai ini." hansip :"baju saja kok ditunggu sampai malam." P.Welas:"Harus saya tunggu sampai muncul sebab baju itu sedang dipakai anakku." Hansip :"Lho.... *** source: Cinthya YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG WHEN... ...when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. ...when you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". ...you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. ...your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause. ...you try to sleep, and think: sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours / ...you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page. ...after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number... ...you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want. ...not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one. ...you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window. ...you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal. ...you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage. **** source: Erfun Dokter saya sungguh menakjubkan. Suatu ketika, ia mengatakan umur seorang pasiennya hanya tinggal 6 bulan. Tetapi, karena orang itu belum mampu melunasi tagihan, umur itu diperpanjangnya 6 bulan lagi - Henny Youngman Pada suatu hari dokter saya mengatakan bahwa saya menderita tekanan darah rendah. Tetapi dia segera memberikan sesuatu yang bisa menaikkan tekanan itu: Tagihannya. - Alan King Dokter memang sebuah pekerjaan yang ajaib. Mana ada pekerjaan lain yang mengizinkan seseorang menyuruh seorang wanita melepas pakaiannya, memandangi tubuh telanjang itu seenaknya, kemudain mengirim tagihan kepada suami sang wanita? - Marty Allen Dokter saya sungguh dahsyat! Dokter lain mengobati lengan yang patah, dan orang itu kemudian meninggal karena penyakit pneumonia. Bila dokter saya mengobati lengan yang patah, Anda tidak perlu mati karea pneumonia - melainkan karena lengan yang patah itu. - Morey Amsterdam *** source: Rony I KELUARGA BAHAGIA Ada sebuah keluarga sederhana, seorang suami, seorang isteri dan seorang anak (putri kira-kira 5 tahun). Berhubung krismon, maka terpaksa mereka bertiga tidur bersama dalam satu kamar. Suatu malam, sang ayah dan sang ibu sedang menjalankan "kewajibannya" sebagai suami-isteri, dan tanpa diduga sang putri terbangun. Melihat putrinya terbangun sang bapak dan sang ibu terkejut, tetapi untunglah (kata orang Jawa), sang puteri tertidur kembali. Satu bulan berselang, sang ayah berulang tahun, dan sang puteri yang sangat sayang dengan ayahnya tidak lupa memberikan kado. Sang ayah dengan wajah berbinar-binar setelah mendapat ciuman mesra dari sang isteri maupun sang puteri membuka kado ulang tahun dari puterinya. Ternyata hadiahnya adalah sebuah PISPOT dengan pesan di kartu ulang tahun : "Papa, Selamat Ulang Tahun, tetapi kalau pipis sebaiknya di pispot ini ya, jangan ditempat mama." UJI SENIORITAS Seorang pilot kawakan yang jam terbangnya sudah tinggi diwawancara oleh seorang wartawan. "Saudara pilot, bagaimana caranya membedakan pramugari junior dan senior ???" "Wah, itu gampang sekali," katanya sambil cengar cengir. "Kalau pramugari junior, dia sangat patuh dan taat pada aturan. semua prosedur yang diterimanya pada saat pelatihan pasti dijalankan dengan baik, dan setiap ketemu saya dia selalu memberi hormat dan memberikan salam 'Selamat pagi, Kapten ...' ; sedangkan pramugari senior, berhubung sudah berpengalaman sering bandel, banyak prosedur mulai dilupakan, kurang hormat, dan memberikan salamnya 'Sudah pagi, Kapten ... ". *** source: Tanto Are your updates in disarray? Not sure if your machine is running at optimal efficiency? Want to get rid of some updates, but not sure exactly which ones? If you use Windows 98, you can check on your downloads in a flash. The update manager and the Windows Update Web site keep a log of each update; they automatically detect which ones you havent yet installed. If you want to see or uninstall your installed options, just take the following steps: 1. Access Windows Update home page from your Start menu. 2. Click Product Updates. 3. Click Show All. Youll see Already Installed to the right of the installed options and, for those options that have it, you'll also see an Uninstall button. 4. Click Download History to see the log of downloads for your computer. *** source: Iwan LITTLE JOHNNY: HEING AND SHEING ------------------------------- The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out "I want everyone who has been heing and sheing to stand up!" Half of his congregation stood up. He then shouted out "I want everyone who has been heing and heing to stand up!" A couple of men stood up. He then shouted out "I want everyone who has been sheing and sheing to stand up!" Several women stood up. The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny. The minister shouted out "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up.. I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!" Little Johnny replied "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about meing and meing!" === SEX MEMOS 1. IN->OUT<-*Repeat as often as possible 2. A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make. 3.If she says "doggy style", then DO NOT whip down to the local S.P.C.A. 4. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church. 5. If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis. 6. A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop. 7. If your wife tells you sex is a "pain in the ass" turn her over. 8. A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands. 9. Kamasutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it. 10. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account === COMPUTER GIRL ------------- Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and SisterInLaw Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: * A 'Don't remind me again' button * Minimize button * An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. * An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use. I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many pro-blems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girl-friend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another annoying problem -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0 ** BUG WARNING ** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources. ** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet *** End of Jokes *** ---------------------------------------------------------------- Friendship MailingList is provided by PT Centrin Online Tbk Maintained by : [EMAIL PROTECTED] To Post a msg : Mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] To Unsubscribe : Mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] . 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