Greetings,
My name is Jonathan. I am currently employed by a MAJOR CHICAGO HEDGE FUND.
If the name Kenneth C. Griffin just came to mind, well, I wouldn't tell you you
were incorrect. I'm a Head Trader on our Statistical Arbitrage desk, mainly
dealing in FX futures and swaps, as well as a bit of equities market making,
options arb, and energy speculation.
We currently deal with an outside consulting firm in Israel. They produce
numerical algorithms that allow us to gain a 20% return over major equity
indicies such as the S&P 500 and DJIA. Last weekend, I was there on business
(flew Emirates' new A380; shit was SO CASH) and discovered their secret.
Microsoft Excel has what some may call a "Jew Mode"; it has been present in all
Hebrew-language versions of the software since version 5.0 for Windows. I
believe this is how Goldman Sachs managed market-beating returns for all their
years as a private partnership (once incorporated, they would be forced to
disclose their software use).
In the Hebrew-language version of Excel, perform the following steps:
-Open a new sheet entitled "ZOG Operating Budget 200x" where x is the current
year;
-press CTRL + ALT + J;
-move the mouse in the shape of a Star Of David;
-press the left button twice.
A spreadsheet will appear, "INTERNATIONAL CURRENCY ARBITRAGE" which loads
future FX rates from a server in an undisclosed location. The values in the
spreadsheet can be used to engage in arbitrage on world markets and gain
immense returns. Most funds are smart enough to only engage in a few trades
using this feature, as its use would quickly become obvious to regulatory
groups such as the SEC, FINRA, and the NFA, but now I'm letting you all know so
we can have a stable and efficient market once again.
Best of luck in the coming year!
Cheers,
Jonathan
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