Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government
Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm]
should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider
information, preferential legislation and other fine services.
Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you
would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This
information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used
solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political
influence.
1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)
2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? Please check
all that apply.
__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.
3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please
check all that apply.)
__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self / allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors /
targets for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates /
spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated
ethnic groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental
exploiters / capitalist pigs.
4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that
apply.)
__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
__ Price.
__ Appearance.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
__ Blackmail.
__ Celebrity endorsement.
5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government Official[tm]? ______
If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing
models.
__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
__ Dead.
__ Senile.
__ Indicted.
__ Convicted.
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.
Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a
Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that
money can buy.
