I thought some of you would enjoy this... Eva > >************************************************************************ > > Geraldo, Eat Your Avant-Pop Heart Out > > > > By MARK LEYNER > > > >JENNY JONES: Boy, we have a show for you today! Recently, the University > >of Virginia philosopher Richard Rorty made the stunning declaration that > >nobody has "the foggiest idea" what postmodernism means. "It would be nice > >to get rid of it," he said. "It isn't exactly an idea; it's a word that > >pretends to stand for an idea." > > > >This shocking admission that there is no such thing as postmodernism has > >produced a firestorm of protest around the country. Thousands of authors, > >critics and graduate students who'd considered themselves postmodernists > >are outraged at the betrayal. > > > >Today we have with us a writer -- a recovering postmodernist -- who believes > >that his literary career and personal life have been irreparably damaged by > >the theory, and who feels defrauded by the academics who promulgated it. He > >wishes to remain anonymous, so we'll call him "Alex." > > > >Alex, as an adolescent, before you began experimenting with postmodernism, > >you considered yourself -- what? > > > >Close shot of ALEX. > > > >An electronic blob obscures his face. Words appear at bottom of screen: > >"Says he was traumatized by postmodernism and blames academics." > > > >ALEX (his voice electronically altered): A high modernist. Y'know, Pound, > >Eliot, Georges Braque, Wallace Stevens, Arnold Schoenberg, Mies van der > >Rohe. I had all of Schoenberg's 78's. > > > >JENNY JONES: And then you started reading people like Jean-Francois Lyotard > >and Jean Baudrillard -- how did that change your feelings about your > >modernist heroes? > > > >ALEX: I suddenly felt that they were, like, stifling and canonical. > > > >JENNY JONES: Stifling and canonical? That is so sad, such a waste. How old > >were you when you first read Fredric Jameson? > > > >ALEX: Nine, I think. > > > >The AUDIENCE gasps. > > > >JENNY JONES: We have some pictures of young Alex. ... > > > >We see snapshots of 14-year-old ALEX reading Gilles Deleuze and Felix > >Guattari's "Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia." The AUDIENCE oohs > >and ahs. > > > >ALEX: We used to go to a friend's house after school -- y'know, his parents > >were never home -- and we'd read, like, Paul Virilio and Julia Kristeva. > > > >JENNY JONES: So you're only 14, and you're already skeptical toward the > >"grand narratives" of modernity, you're questioning any belief system that > >claims universality or transcendence. Why? > > > >ALEX: I guess -- to be cool. > > > >JENNY JONES: So, peer pressure? > > > >ALEX: I guess. > > > >JENNY JONES: And do you remember how you felt the very first time you > >entertained the notion that you and your universe are constituted by > >language -- that reality is a cultural construct, a "text" whose meaning is > >determined by infinite associations with other "texts?" > > > >ALEX: Uh, it felt, like, good. I wanted to do it again. The AUDIENCE groans. > >JENNY JONES: You were arrested at about this time? > > > >ALEX: For spray-painting "The Hermeneutics of Indeterminacy" on an overpass. > > > >JENNY JONES: You're the child of a mixed marriage -- is that right? > > > >ALEX: My father was a de Stijl Wittgensteinian and my mom was a > >neo-pre-Raphaelite. > > > >JENNY JONES: Do you think that growing up in a mixed marriage made you more > >vulnerable to the siren song of postmodernism? > > > >ALEX: Absolutely. It's hard when you're a little kid not to be able to just > >come right out and say (sniffles), y'know, I'm an Imagist or I'm a > >phenomenologist or I'm a post-painterly abstractionist. It's really hard -- > >especially around the holidays. (He cries.) > > > >JENNY JONES: I hear you. Was your wife a postmodernist? > > > >ALEX: Yes. She was raised avant-pop, which is a fundamentalist offshoot of > >postmodernism. > > > >JENNY JONES: How did she react to Rorty's admission that postmodernism was > >essentially a hoax? > > > >ALEX: She was devastated. I mean, she's got all the John Zorn albums and > >the entire Semiotext(e) series. She was crushed. > > > >We see ALEX'S WIFE in the audience, weeping softly, her hands covering her > >face. > > > >JENNY JONES: And you were raising your daughter as a postmodernist? > > > >ALEX: Of course. That's what makes this particularly tragic. I mean, how do > >you explain to a 5-year-old that self-consciously recycling cultural > >detritus is suddenly no longer a valid art form when, for her entire life, > >she's been taught that it is? > > > >JENNY JONES: Tell us how you think postmodernism affected your career as a > >novelist. > > > >ALEX: I disavowed writing that contained real ideas or any real passion. > >My work became disjunctive, facetious and nihilistic. It was all blank > >parody, irony enveloped in more irony. > > > >It merely recapitulated the pernicious banality of television and > >advertising. I found myself indiscriminately incorporating any and all kinds > >of pop kitsch and shlock. (He begins to weep again.) > > > >JENNY JONES: And this spilled over into your personal life? > > > >ALEX: It was impossible for me to experience life with any emotional > >intensity. I couldn't control the irony anymore. I perceived my own feelings > >as if they were in quotes. > > > >I italicized everything and everyone. It became impossible for me to > >appraise the quality of anything. To me everything was equivalent -- the > >Brandenburg Concertos and the Lysol jingle had the same value - (He breaks > >down, sobbing.) > > > >JENNY JONES: Now, you're involved in a lawsuit, aren't you? > > > >ALEX: Yes. I'm suing the Modern Language Association. > > > >JENNY JONES: How confident are you about winning? > > > >ALEX: We need to prove that, while they were actively propounding it, > >academics knew all along that postmodernism was a specious theory. > > > >If we can unearth some intradepartmental memos -- y'know, a paper trail -- > >any corroboration that they knew postmodernism was worthless cant at the > >same time they were teaching it, then I think we have an excellent shot at > >establishing liability. > > > >JENNY JONES wades into audience and proffers microphone to a woman. > > > >WOMAN (with lateral head-bobbing): It's ironic that Barry Scheck is > >representing the M.L.A. in this litigation because Scheck is the postmodern > >attorney par excellence. This is the guy who's made a career of volatilizing > >truth in the simulacrum of exculpation! > > > >VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: You go, girl! > > > >WOMAN: Scheck is the guy who came up with the quintessentially postmodern > >re-bleed defense for O. J., which claims that O. J. merely vigorously shook > >Ron and Nicole, thereby re-aggravating pre-existing knife wounds. I'd just > >like to say to any client of Barry Scheck ? lose that zero and get a hero! > > > >The AUDIENCE cheers wildly. > > > >WOMAN: Uh, I forgot my question. > > > >Dissolve to message on screen: If you believe that mathematician Andrew > >Wiles' proof of Fermat's last theorem has caused you or a member of your > >family to dress too provocatively, call (800) 555-9455. > > > >Dissolve back to studio. In the audience, JENNY JONES extends the microphone > >to a man in his mid-30's with a scruffy beard and a bandana around his head. > > > >MAN WITH BANDANA: I'd like to say that this "Alex" is the single worst > >example of pointless irony in American literature, and this whole heartfelt > >renunciation of postmodernism is a ploy -- it's just more irony. > > > >The AUDIENCE whistles and hoots. > > > >ALEX: You think this is a ploy?! (He tears futilely at the electronic blob.) > >This is my face! > > > >The AUDIENCE recoils in horror. > > > >ALEX: This is what can happen to people who naively embrace postmodernism, > >to people who believe that the individual -- the autonomous, individualist > >subject -- is dead. They become a palimpsest of media pastiche -- a mask of > >metastatic irony. > > > >JENNY JONES (biting lip and shaking her head): That is so sad. Alex -- final > >words? > > > >ALEX: I'd just like to say that self-consciousness and irony seem like fun > >at first, but they can destroy your life. I know. You gotta be earnest, be > >real. Real feelings are important. Objective reality does exist. AUDIENCE > >members whoop, stomp and pump fists in the air. > > > >JENNY JONES: I'd like to thank Alex for having the courage to come on today > >and share his experience with us. > > > >Join us for tomorrow's show, "The End of Manichean, Bipolar Geopolitics > >Turned My Boyfriend Into an Insatiable Sex Freak (and I Love It!)." > > > > > > >
