Season's Greetings! --Chris
X-mas Downsizing
IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of this
season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels, the
Internet, and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share.
He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit
picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity
from Dasher and Dancer--who will retrain at the Harvard Business
School--is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne
environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received
unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for
better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following
economic measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost-effective. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who
the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it obtains will be
more productive.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee
to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Congresspersons.
While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are
significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
Congresspersons this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will
drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"),
action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs is the most efficient number.
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